Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Full Circle

I have been out to my wife for exactly 11 months as of yesterday (11/27). I would never have imagined that I would be where I am at now a year ago. I was miserable then. I knew that I was gay and that I had lied to my wife, my family, and my son. I hated who I was and felt so hopeless that I just wanted life to end. I was not contemplating suicide but rather I was hoping God would at least see fit to extend a small amount of mercy and give me some terminal disease to end it all for me. I prayed regularly for this to happen. I felt a little hope when some medical issues I had been dealing with intensified and the doctor I was working with thought it might be cancer. I was hopeful that God had heard these prayers (since he hadn't heard the thousands asking for my sexuality to change), after a myriad of testing and some invasive procedures I was declared healthy despite the permanent abdominal pain amongst other symptoms. I was so depressed not only was stuck being a closeted gay married unbelieving mormon, but now I had to live with constant pain. I became angry because God wouldn't allow me to bow out of my miserable existence with some slight form of dignity, no if I wanted out I would have to do it myself. I was at this point that I came out to my wife. I couldn't handle it anymore this was all to much to take, I had to tell someone and she was the only person in my life that I felt deserved to know.

The last eleven months have been an emotional roller coaster but I have learned so much about myself. I still struggle with marriage/lifestyle depression (my term for the type of depression I feel, because I feel it about my marriage and choices I made). In fact today has been one of the hardest days in the past few months. My family is in town and the gay issue came up yet again. I was thinking now might be the time to tell them but yet again my bigoted family sent me crawling back into the closet even more. We were watching TV and Modern Family came on. I started watching it ( after all it is my house so I can watch what I want. One family member spoke up and said that show is disgusting. I asked why? They replied that there were gays on it and that is disgusting. I laughed and responded that they realize there are gay people/couples in the real world? They said yea, but it's just so gross. I was dying inside by this point. I felt like breaking down and sobbing. Over the last two weeks my wife and I have reached a level of functionality in our relationship that is unprecedented for us. I would not say it is a permanent situation but it is bareable for the time being since I don't want to loose my boys. But the dark foreboding heavy feeling has been hanging over my head and gradually increasing each day. When I woke up on the day of the "disgusting" incident, I was feeling overwhelmingly trapped and wanted to escape. This conversation just sent me feeling it even worse and has sent me spiraling full circle to where I was a year ago.

If God hates the gays as much as the people in my life seem to think then why in the hell are we still even allowed to breath on this earth. Why do I exist? What the hell is my purpose? Why does life have to hurt so much? (Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I sit in the dark all alone pondering on these questions). I am exhausted with the constant battle I feel raging within me. I feel torn and broken. I have been fighting for the last 11 months to discover a balance in my life, to understand my situation and how to improve upon it, buy instead as of this very moment I feel as though I want God to wipe me from existence. The most peaceful thought for me is the idea of complete nothingness after this life. I do not want an eternity of living with the memory of my existence and the pain I have caused and experienced. I do not want to be stranded in a facade of a marriage and I cannot handle feeling ignored by a so called "Loving Father." I do not feel peace nor love from the church or the gospel right now. I feel as though there is no point to what I have been going through. I just want out. I want a family that accepts me and loves me I want a family that will at least create a space where I feel I can tell them what I struggle with, I am tired of walking through this life so completely alone. I thought marriage would mean connection, support, and love, but I am not connected with my wife and so I actually feel more disconnected, and unloved than when I was single.

I was always taught that doing what was right would bring happiness but I have done what I was taught was right and now I am so far from happiness it actually hurts. I am tired of feeling on the verge of tears every time I look at my boys and wonder if they might be gay, I desperately hope that they are not so that they do not have to deal with all that comes with that. I am tired of the facade I have to project in order to preserve my marriage. I am just tired. I want to get away. Hope is gone. I feel I am a shell of a person who is just marching through life trying to live as others have told him he should. The easiest way to summarize how I feel is that I have come full circle. I am where I started when I came out to my wife. I feel alone, misunderstood, unloved, unconnected, and Godless.

I have reached the conclusion that the only way for me to survive my current situation is to resort to my old methods for dealing with all of this. I have to shut off my emotions, severe all links to the gay side of myself both internally and externally, and just keep swimming. I have to stop thinking about this and stop writing about it. This will probably be my last blog post for a while if not forever because I just can't handle this all anymore. I am trying to live two lives: one that is your atypical mormon man and another that accepts my sexual identity and seeks to live true to myself. I can't do this anymore and since I am to afraid to move in the direction I truly want I will instead close up shop and bury the gay like I did for the last 30 years. Hell, whats another 30 years of doing it? At least I can see a finish line that way.

But then again maybe after I cry myself to sleep and eat a pound of turkey I will feel better and delete this post. Who knows and frankly I don't give a shit. All I know is that I am sick of feeling the way I do and so I have to shutdown to escape it since suicide will never be an option. Good luck to the rest of you on your journeys.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Sink or Swim

Therapy has been going really well for me. I am finding balance in my life and I am accepting things as they are not for what they have been. We have spent a lot of time helping me reconnect with my emotions and I couldn't be happier with the progress I have made. Last week in my session I admitted that I want to get divorced and move on with my life. So my therapist asked me what that future looks like for me. I was baffled for a moment as I had never fully explored what I wanted in my "gay" future. I have daydreamed about things but I had never really discussed this with anyone. I mentioned a few things but we had to cut it short due to time constraints so today we picked up where we left off last time.

This time however we spent a lot of time talking about the things that hold me back from moving forward in the direction that I would like to go. What I determined is that there are two reasons: 1) I don't want to cause my wife more pain and 2) Financially we are not in a place to facilitate a divorced living situation. I feel emotionally ready to get a divorce and move on but financially I m stuck. So the reality is that I will probably need to stay married for a while longer.

One of the most shocking moments for me during this session was when my therapist asked me what my feelings were about getting divorced. I explained to her that setting aside my feelings on how much this would change the lives of my two boys, I felt relief and like a weight would be lifted off of my shoulders. Until today I did not realize how disconnected I truly felt from my wife. Despite how our relationship has improved, after bottoming out when I told her I was gay, my relationship with my wife is still only a shell of what I feel a true relationship could be. I feel like we function as roommates who have children together. As I was explaining all this to her I began to realize that I do not know how to be in love. I have NEVER been in love. I was in love with the idea of marriage when I married my wife and I do love her to a certain degree but not the way a person should love another person in a relationship. I guess what I truly realized today was that though some gay men are able to find satisfaction and fulfillment in their mixed orientation marriages, I am not able to do that. This idea seems foreign to me. I told my therapist how foreign it seemed to me that some guys were able to do this. I said that I wished I could understand how they are able to do this and then maybe I could find happiness in our situation. I no longer believe in the church and so the whole plan of "happiness" that we are taught doesn't bear sway in my thought process. Meaning, I don't have to stay married to a woman to find happiness in this life so why should I do it, for her and my sake?

I really do want to move on for the chance of finding happiness over staying where I am at and knowing that I will not be happy. I told my therapist I would like to take a break from therapy to process this and assess how I could possibly make changes in my life to make my divorce possible. She agreed that this might be a good move for me so I can assess and then come back with my ideas so that we can take a look at strategies to deal with the reality of what a divorced and out me might have to face. All in all I feel that I am in a much better place than I was two months ago when I started therapy but I still feel like there are things I need to learn. Like how to face being openly gay and divorced but also figuring out how to be in love. I want to fall in love so badly that it hurts physically. I cannot just stay where I am at without ever experiencing being in love. No one deserves to live without having true love and I cannot allow myself to go on pretending its ok for me to just survive my life. I want to live it and LOVE it!!! So I guess this is the part where I either sink or swim but either way if I try to live life at least I will be truly living. So how do I move forward now???? That is the real question!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

It's Time

With all the personal exploration of my emotions (discussed in my last post) I am some what emotionally crazy today. It feels like all my emotions are about to bubble over so when I saw this video and sobbed at the end I had to share it. It warmed my heart. And I have to agree it is time.

I think this video will help people to realize where I stand on the whole gay marriage issue (if they didn't already know).

Monday, October 21, 2013

The Sh@* in the Middle

I had my fourth session with my therapist and it was amazing!!! I love her to death because she doesn't let me just bury my feelings ( a defense mechanism I have perfected throughout my life). She has said to me a few times that she keeps sense a feeling of ambivalence on my part to 1) come out to my family, 2) move forward with the divorce, 3) fully accept myself as a gay man, and 4) allow my emotions to factor into my life. We boiled this down to be a major control issue. I will have to allow myself to open up and explore options and then I will have to work in a certain direction in order for there to be any change and that is's not easy. I realized that I want to  be on the outcome side of everything, the side where everyone knows I'm gay and I have accepted myself fully, have a relationship with a man, and allow myself to feel all my emotions. What I don't want is all the SHIT in the middle that requires the work. I want a short cut to the outcome, one that will make everything easy....and guess what that won't happen. This is the part where you say well no shit Sherlock! But I stayed ambivalent because then I have control I don't have to step into the unknown and wade through shit to get where I want to be, but instead of moving in a direction I stay stagnant where I don't want to be, it's a vicious cycle. It's a lovely catch 22 but at least now I realize why I keep vacillating as to what I want in life. I want the easiest path and really there isn't one, all directions take work and I have to relinquish control.

Each session with her goes by like it is 20 seconds not 55 minutes. But we made the best use of our time today. It has been hard for me to hear her say a few things. 1) I don't like it when she refers to me as gay...weird considering I refer to myself as gay all the time. I think it has to do with being bullied when I was younger and hearing others call me gay was not a positive experience. 2) I didn't respond well when she said that I was the child and my parents had a responsibility to create an environment where I felt safe telling them I am gay. She really has helped me to see that they hold a part in my deception in not telling them and fear of telling them. I immediately went to their defense but then as I allowed it to sink in, I realized the truth in what she was saying. I am a parent now and though my boys are very young I can see how important it is to foster a relationship that allows them to feel safe telling me anything. I needed that from my parents and I never got it and still don't feel that I have it from them. I want to know why my being gay was just buried and ignored. I never told them but lets face it I gave off a pretty strong gay vibe when I was young....and my dad even discussed it with me once but he was so forceful about how wrong it is to be gay I just denied everything and agreed with him. I know my parents know but I am upset that they never asked me about my feelings and tried to understand or at least fostered an environment where I could feel safe telling them I am gay.

The nifty little gay box has been ripped open and a shitload of emotion is pouring out...and I like sucks in the moment but I am starting to feel the weight of everything being lifted off of my chest. I feel like I can breath and be happy. Something I realize I haven't felt since high school. This is not going to be an easy journey but I know it will be worth it, no matter what I chose to do or how I chose to proceed. I just better get my wading boots on and grab a shovel because I have a ton of shit in my way and I have to get through it!!!!

Here are two little ditties I am in love with right now...I just connect with the lyrics of both a lot right now.

Hopefully this all made sense if not I hope you at least enjoyed the songs. I have to head to the gym....weight to lose and so little time left in the day. I wish I could go clubbing instead...I need to dance!

Friday, October 18, 2013


****Warning: This is the MOST random blog I have ever posted, fasten your seat belt its going to be a bumpy ride.****

For the last week I have been feeling like I need to unplug from the cyber world and engage in the real world. I have been looking at ways to minimize my computer and phone time and have decided that blogging (and mainly social media) has become a bit much. I am starting to feel that I use my time blogging and facebooking as means to escape reality so that I don't have to face life. This is no way to live! I have set the goal to go one week without facebook and I keep procrastinating swearing I will start tomorrow, well, tomorrow has arrived. I just logged in checked everything and am now hoping I can stay away from midnight Saturday 10/19 until next Saturday. I am not as concerned about my blogging since I have not been as obsessed about writing. For a while it almost got to the point that everything I did I was thinking of ways to blog about it. I don't do that at all anymore, but rather I sit down and get the urge to blog about something and so I do. In fact I can't even remember what I have blogged about over the last two weeks (for the most part). This forum has become more a means for me to empty my mind than detail my life. Speaking of...

The last two weeks have been crazy! My wife declared that she wanted me to move out....but due to financial reasons that hasn't happened. As a means to facilitate her desires I immediately began looking for full-time jobs and have been applying like crazy...nothing yet but we'll see. We unloaded a lot in our conversation when she announced that and I think it helped us clear the air a little. The dust has settled and we seem to be in a better place than we have been in a long time. In fact she turned to me today and asked if I wanted to have another baby. Don't get me wrong I love babies but I have never felt so horrible in my life, I felt like my skin was far to tight for my body and I just wanted to claw my way out. My response was that we are in no position to have a third child. She just looked at me and said why not? I didn't get upset or even repeat myself...luckily  I was saved by a dirty diaper (our 5 month old decided he needed to unload). I realized as I was changing my sons diaper that my wife wants to have more children because she feels she will not be able to remarry. She has said several times she thinks she won't find anyone because we are in upstate New York and she is 27 years old. I may be gay but my wife's beauty is not lost on me. She is drop dead gorgeous!!! She has a rockin body and is beautiful. (Man, I wish I was straight...She really is the perfect woman physically and in every other aspect, a guy couldn't ask for anyone better!) I just worry what the added stress of one more child would do to us. Our marriage is very broken. But, since I started therapy I have been finding myself thinking through possibly staying married for the sake of our children.

I have been vehemently against this idea for the last few months mainly because of my parents awful marriage. But, I have been finding more inner peace and working hard to be a kinder and more patient person and I think this is beginning to help our marriage.  I still lean toward divorce because I will never be able to give her the physical relationship she desires (and deserves) but there apparently there is still a part of me that wants to save our marriage. I think it has to do more with being there for my boys each day rather than a few weekends here and there. This has also been part of the reason I am pulling back a bit from blogging and FB. I wonder how I would feel if I did constantly have single gay guys involved in my life (guys I love you but I have to ponder on this a bit for now). How much of my desire is out of envy for the gay life I never had? I think I just found what I will be discussing in therapy on Monday.

I just feel like a lot of my actions and desires have been led by outside influences (church/family/friends/etc) and that I haven't thoroughly thought things out and made an honest decision for myself. Hence, the feeling I need to unplug. I'll talk it over with my therapist and see what answer presents itself now that I am looking at everything this way.

Moving on....

So the dream I talked about a few posts back has come to life a little. I have been spending a lot of time at the library on campus to study for my comprehensive exams and the guy I dreamed about now works at the library. We have chatted a few times and play eye tag quite a bit. No I am not trying to develop a relationship I just wanted to give an update that this really cute guy (who is a little too young for me any way) is becoming more involved in my life. I really like him. We used to just bump into each other after classes and in the main hall, but now we cross paths a lot more (that's why I don't think I ever thought of him in a romantic way). Oh the life of a gay man married to a hetero woman.....One time my wife joked that I should have married a lesbian and this could have been a lot better for me....awkward yes, but still a little funny.

In other news....
I have officially joined the LGBT support group on campus...I am a little nervous mainly because I am so ashamed to admit that I am gay and married to a woman. And the fact that I will probably be the oldest person in the group, but I feel good about being involved and can't wait to start meeting. We will meet on Tuesday (Depending on how well I do unplugging from the cyber community I might "reward" myself and blog about it that night, if I've been not so dedicated I might wait until next weekend. Either way eventually it will make its way one here.

Big surprise....
I was looking at a moho website (kinda like facebook) and I found a friend from my BYUI days looking to date. I always knew he's gay (I wonder if he realized I was gay) and said so to a friend one time, she told him and he unfriended me from facebook a few years ago. Come to think of it that was a little bitchy of me to do but whats done is done and turns out I was right, maybe if I ever am fully out he and I can reconnect. That makes four for four of our group of guys from the BYUI music majors that are gay. Wow!!! Nope nohomos at BYUI right. Well not anymore now that we're all gone right? I hope he is able to find happiness, I am proud that he is being true to himself and did not get married just to hide it like I did.

Well, sorry for the randomness that is this post but to be fair the title did give that away. It is late I have a bad chest cold and need to get some rest. I don't see how this post can be useful to anyone but it shouldn't matter anyway because posting it is helpful to me. Good night.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Clearing my mind

I recently started therapy due to the suicidal thoughts I have been having and things are going fantastically!!! I love my therapist she is awesome. I was afraid I wouldn't have anything to talk about with her but we definitely fill the time. I am learning so much. I love how non-judgmental she is, I know that is how she should be but it is the first time in my life I have truly experienced that.

Maybe after I finish a few more sessions I will be able to sort out everything good enough to share hear but I feel like I am growing so much through this experience.

I am joining a support group for LGBTQ students here on the recommendation of my therapist. I met with the two lead therapists for group and enjoyed my conversation with them. I think this will be a great way for me to create a path for me to meet other LGBT individuals that will be safe and social. Right now I feel like my gay world only exists online and though I have created many great friendships this way I need real world people to meet with and talk about life.

I have also decided to postpone my final exams to allow more time for studying with everything that has been happening I haven't been able to study as much as I should be. This has been a huge relief for me.

My wife admitted that she wants me to move out ASAP...I am ok with this because we are both ready to move on but we are too poor at the present time. I am applying for jobs like crazy!!! I just submitted an application for a job in Chicago as well as four others but I am hoping for Chicago to come through. Chicago is one of the five cities I would like to live in before I die. Plus there are many gays there!!!

Well back to studying...just wanted to put a few thoughts down to clear my mind.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

What am I meant to learn?

Attending the Affirmation Conference will probably always be one of the top ten greatest experiences of my life. It has taken me three weeks to fully assess how much that experience is affecting me.  I arrived there bitter, filled with doubt, and lacking an sense of hope. I left feeling loved, appreciate, uplifted, and hopeful. I wish I could say that the conference was the reason but I think it was merely the venue I needed to be in so that I would be ready to recognize things in my past that had prepared me for where I am at in life currently.

Don't get me wrong I learned a great deal through all of the workshops and speakers, but my personal inspirations were much more important for my personal journey.

There was one particular lesson that hit me so strongly on Sunday afternoon after all of the events were over. I had gone up to a lake with my best friend and his wife (two wonderful people who are extremely supportive and understanding). I had already talked with them about my mission and how my relationship with my mission president had caused major doubts about the church and lead me to feel that I should never go to church again when I got home from my mission. This is a long story but the short version goes as follows:

I felt inspired to do one thing my mission president another. I thought I was wrong and did as he asked because he was my leader, later I found out he had been told he was wrong by his leaders and still did it his way. He released me as a zone leader banished me to the outer realms of our mission and bad mouthed me to my new zone leader at the time (who happened to be a close friend and told me everything). I doubted my ability to receive revelation from that time on and stopped trying. I found out shortly after this that my dad had lost his job while I was on my mission about 6 months after I left. I was devastated and no longer wanted anything to do with the church. I quelched those thoughts and stayed active, got married, and never really prayed after my mission in order to avoid being wrong again. (This is extremely watered down but the main point is I began to doubt my ability to receive personal revelation).

This experience combined with my obedient personality growing up lead me to ignore the promptings I received about being gay. I couldn't accept myself because everyone kept telling me it was wrong even though I kept feeling that maybe I was meant to be gay but I would never ask God because I had been so horribly wrong on my mission.

One night after I came out to my wife I finally asked God for his input on who I am. The overwhelming response was that I was fine as I was. I was not an accident or a mistake, I was made this was for a reason. 

Fast forward 10 years and here I am walking by a lake talking with my friends about all of this and it hit me like a lightning bolt. My mission was meant to help prepare me to accept what the Lord would tell me about who I am. I nearly began to weep. I have always felt like a failure because of what happened between me and my mission president but in that moment I saw clearly. I had to learn that I could ask and receive and have it not be what others might be telling me. I finally felt at peace about my mission and thanked God that I finally understood why I had to go through what I did.

Everything I had experienced up to that day was to prepare me to be willing to stand tall and declare what I knew to be true for me. I am Drew and I am GAY!!! And God says its Okay!!

As I was sitting on the couch thinking about how I would distill my thoughts for this blog post I realized that I need to be looking at each day from this exact angle. What am I meant to learn? I do not consider myself to be a TBM (True Blue Mormon) but I do consider myself to be in tune with God. I want others to know my experience in the hope it can help them stand up and ask the difficult questions for themselves and the pose them to others. I have decided that the next time someone attempts to belittle or marginalize the "gays" I am going to ask them if they have asked God if the gays are wrong? I am going to ask them if they have tried to understand what it is to be gay and what they are meant to learn from the "gays"? The cornerstone of knowledge is seeking...meaning if you are looking for an answer you can't get one. Hopefully this will open their eyes. I know mine have been opened and I know I will no longer just suffer through life I will try to understand what I am meant to learn from my experiences and from those around me.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sweet Dream

This post breaks from my traditional rants about my life and dives into my subconscious.Below is the retelling of a very vivid dream that I had last night and since this blog is my journal I of course had to share it....

I have not been a very heavy sleeper for many years now, in fact most nights I sleep so lightly that even a slight sound will wake me up and I only usually get around 6 hours of sleep on a good night. So I was shocked when I fell into a very deep sleep last night. For the first time in months I also had a vivid dream. I rarely remember dreaming, probably because I don't sleep very well, but last nights was fantastic in so many ways.

I was singing at a concert so I was all dressed up in a tux... Hugo Boss slim fit (like I said very vivid dream and also one of the fantastic things), I felt fantastic I had just finished singing and the audience loved it. After everything was done I came out from back stage and was standing next to a good friend. I consider this person to be a close friend but I had never thought about him romantically in anyway. Well it became apparent that he was there to see me perform and I remembered that we had been seeing each other but I thought it had been mainly just a friend thing. He looked fantastic by the way, in his tux (Ralph Lauren) and at this point in my blog I realized that I need to stop spending my free time browsing fashion websites/magazines....who am I kidding that isn't going to happen. moving on.....

So we chatted with people and then we decided it was time to go. We headed out the back when suddenly we stopped looked at each other and I blurted out "I love you" I grabbed my mouth and immediately wanted to I started to leave. He grabbed my arm turned me around looked into my eyes and said "I love you too." My next statement was..."how can we love each other we haven't even held hands?" He didn't say a word he just grabbed my hand. Then instead of heading out the back exit we moved toward the main lobby in order to leave. I was super nervous because I had never had a boyfriend and I wasn't out to everyone yet. I was floating on cloud nine. I could not believe how wonderful it felt to be in love. It was amazing.

We made our way down the hallway and the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we ran into a missionary from my mission, someone I haven't thought about in years. I just wanted to run...rather than acknowledge him I turned to leave, but my friend, now boyfriend, stopped me and introduced himself. I cut in and said that he was my boyfriend. The missionary looked down at our clasped hands and nodded but looked shock. I was worried what he was going to say.

He smiled nervously like he didn't know how to respond so I started to leave, though I felt comfortable about my situation, he stopped me and said he really was happy for me. I smiled and I cannot explain how at peace I felt and how happy I was. I became extremely aware of my boyfriend's hand he was squeezing my hand I looked at him and I could instantly see how happy he was as well. We left the building and started down the stairs to get to the street.

Out of nowhere a group of guys in Knicks jerseys approached us, I could hear in the distance someone in the group say "fags" I recoiled from my boyfriend. He had heard it too. Someone on the street told us to run, my boyfriend began to leave but I froze. I couldn't move. One of the guys came up to me and asked me if we were gay. I nodded. My boyfriend grabbed me and wispered in my ear don't do this lets go. I shook my head. I verbally confirmed that we were in fact gay. The guy looked me in the eye shrugged his shoulders and turned around waving the crowd away. I stood there in shock....I didn't feel powerful but I felt in love.

This dream was amazing because I felt loved and accepted in ways that I do not right now, but it was also amazing because I faced a couple of my real life all time fears. I faced the fear of being rejected by admitting you love someone. I faced the fear of rejection from my friends by admitting who I am. I faced my biggest fear which is facing the bigotry and hate of society in general. I stood up to my fears in this dream and this was amazing, but it was not the most amazing part for me.

The most amazing part was feeling a deep bond and connection of love with someone I was attracted too. Feeling him support me through my weaknesses and seeing myself stand strong for that love when he needed me. This is what love is about, this is what I need in my life. I realize that this was in fact a dream and was fantasy, but I think I am a deep romantic at heart and I realized that I do not have that right now.

I wanted to cry when I woke up from this dream, because the dream was over, I didn't want to leave this place where I had love, acceptance, strength, commitment, and courage. Yet, I was still happy when I woke up because of how wonderful the dream had felt. Maybe someday my sweet dream can become my waking reality. We'll see.....

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Back on my feet and ready to run!!!

Well I can safely say that my personal crisis has been extinguished. It took 24 hours in bed with far too many episodes of Raising Hope but I marched my way out of the abyss that sucked me into such a dark place. I feel I must say that I am a stronger and better person having plunged to my personal rock bottom.

Since coming out to my wife in January my life has been filled with a lot of sorrow as I have searched to understand who I am. My rejection in my professional realm was similar to a 9.0 earthquake, no buildings were left standing, emotionally speaking I had my confidence completely destroyed. Throughout this whole process of coming out and even the dark days in the closet the only source of confidence I had that was real was my talent. This rejection was the final straw that had to break in order for me to truly dive inward. As I was sobbing in bed repeating to myself how worthless I am, I suddenly heard in my mind YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS....YOU ARE VALUED! I instantly stopped sobbing and no longer felt overwhelmed with sorrow or self-pity. I decided if I wanted to be a famous operatic tenor then I will just stand up on my own two feet and make it happen. I don't need the approval of one individual or organization to make that happen. I realized I had, for too long, bundled all of my sense of self worth into my abilities as a singer and this is very dangerous. I am worth more than how beautiful my voice is and I need to find value in all aspects of myself.

I got out of bed at midnight and marched to my computer and quickly typed a note to the director of the program and cordially thanked them for their consideration and all that I had learned from my past participation. I also asked if they had any recommendations as to what I could have done better to be more strongly considered to continue with them. They have yet to respond (and I highly doubt that they will) but I no longer feel weighed down by their decision. I took control the only way I can in this situation and asked for them to own their decision. I consider the matter closed and have already begun to plan my next move. I'm not sure I really want to sing professionally anymore but I know feel that I have the proper approach to be successful without being so overly invested in my career.

The next thing I realized after I had sent that email was that there is a major need for a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) support group. And people, LDS and non, need to understand how complex this type of relationship is and how much denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual. I pictured a website with a Q&A type format that will provide insight into these types of relationships. I picture support groups for those in these marriages and those that are transitioning out of them. What I realized as I thought about this was that I am not a thorough enough person to attempt this on my own. It then hit me that I am not alone, I have the whole moho blogoshpere. So I need everyones help.

I need questions.....
Send me any questions you may have about what it is like being gay and married to a woman. Anything at all. I want to use your questions to give a more detailed look inside my marriage and my situation. If you are in an MOM and would be willing to answer the questions I gather I would love that too, just let me know. I want this to be about many peoples experiences not just mine. Having multiple view points will give people more opportunity to get an authentic look at the dynamics of these types of marriages. If you were in an MOM and are no longer I would love your input as well.

This is not about picking a side in the debate on staying mormon or not it is about truth and understanding. And helping others to grasp the challenges and joys of being in an MOM.

In attending the Affirmation conference I felt that there were great strides being made in helping people understand what it means to be LGBT and mormon but I never felt that there was an attempt to understand what it means to be gay and in an MOM, which could be helpful for those who are considering entering into a MOM. I love Affirmation and support what they are doing, I just feel that this could be an additional way to save people from increase understanding.

In short I need your help. I need you to contact friends and family and get them to send me questions. I need your questions. I want people to understand better what it means to be in a MOM so that the advice I still here some giving to "just get married to the opposite gender", despite what the church says, will not be so flippantly given. My wife is a wonderful person and we are learning a lot about each other and about ourselves as individuals through this process but we both wish I would have made other choices so that we could have avoided a lot of sadness.

My biggest fear is that people will not send me questions so please help me question is stupid and it will not be ignored. I will even send a personal response before I post the final document so you will get an in-depth answer to your question.

Please either comment below or feel free to email me at 

* Fingers crossed and hoping that I will at least get a few questions...if not I can learn an additional opera role instead I guess. :)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What the Hell???? Why can't I just hide under a rock??

Just when I start to feel like I know where life is headed everything falls apart. I am months away from finishing my Doctorate and now I don't even know if I want to have anything to do with music. I just got a rejection from a young artist program I have already worked with. As if doubting myself as a gay man wasn't enough now I have to feel like I am worthless as a singer. Seriously when it rains it pours!!! I guess I'll have to take that as an answer to my recent self doubts.

I have been wondering if I even want to be a singer anymore (I know $150,000 in tuition and 12 years of my life and now I think I don't want to). I realized about a month ago that I used music and singing as a way to find acceptance from others. Much needed acceptance since I loathed myself as a gay person. I always hid behind my talent even though many would consider it a fairly gay talent. I even admitted to a friend that perhaps I don't want to be a singer anymore because I no longer feel the need to be accepted by others on their terms but rather on mine now that I am comfortable with being gay.

And then today I get a rejection from someone/a program that I felt was a place I belonged and could finally gain much needed experience. Well that has been shot to hell!!! I feel horrible...this only compounds all of the horrible feelings I have felt about my marriage, the church, and life in general. What do I have to learn that requires everything to be happening at once.

I guess the good thing is that this experience has made me reach out to a friend who is interested in starting a business. Since I have no musical engagements and no future plans I can begin to invest fully in this opportunity....if it doesn't get shot to hell. I texted him just after I got my rejection letter. Our plans for this business are one of the only bright spots in my life right now and I decided if he wasn't interested anymore I needed to know tonight so I can face all my rejection issues right now. So i can say everything went south but there appears to be very little left for me right now and the worst part is I don't feel like anyone I could talk to face to face would understand because I am not out to enough people yet. Why can't things get simpler why do they have to keep compounding.

Where do I go from here? My music career is stagnant....I don't really want to teach...I don't have good enough performance credentials to teach anywhere that will pay decent...I won't lie suicide crossed my mind but don't worry that won't happen because it would just leave my boys and their mom in a very bad situation as my life insurance policy isn't old enough....yep I went there the darkest place one can go but I can't because I can't afford to do it...damn finances always getting in the way of everything.

I just have to keep reminding myself how accepted I felt at the Affirmation conference and I need to figure out a way that I can keep that feeling so that I can move forward.

I will probably be contact a therapist tomorrow as the pressure of everything feels like it demands extra help. I am not ashamed of therapy and think it will do me some good but damn I thought I was handling everything really well until this very moment!!! I guess when you get a rejection from an organization that has helped you grow so much and you trust and rely on them and then they pull the rug out from under you it brings up a lot of sh*t.

Well its late and this post has been dark enough....I am going to try and force myself to write a post about the conference so I can get back to a positive place. Besides its late and I am tired...hopefully I can sleep despite my anxiety and sadness.

To be honest I don't comments about my suicidal thoughts....I know I know it gets better. Maybe if you want to comment tell me a positive change that has happened in your life that brought you a lot of happiness or alleviated some stress instead. I promise I will not kill myself but I had to be honest while posting what I feel in this moment right now. I just tend to bottle up my emotions. I think my wife will be surprised about how much this upset me when she reads this because to her face I was just shrugging it off. What the hell???? (is up with my life right now)?????? I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out!!!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Chance at Happiness

I have started this post many times but I can't get my thoughts organized. I have been depressed for a few days but the fog has lifted so I decided to give it another chance.

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend the Affirmation conference. I went back and forth on whether I should attend or not. I wasn't sure if it would be a good fit for where I am at right now. I could not have been more wrong. This conference was exactly what I needed. I learned so much about myself that I cannot even attempt to share it all with you here, mainly because the written word is not my specialty...I would rather talk about it. Any way, it was wonderful to be with so many people who accepted me for who I am and where I am at in my spiritual journey. I was fed spiritually and emotionally. There were so many wonderful people in attendance and I am grateful I was able to meet new people and form new friendships. I am compiling ideas for a post to explore what I learned through the conference but needless to say I got a lot out of it and I am so glad that I was able to go.

I came home feeling uplifted and thought I was in a very good place emotionally and then my wife and I had a two hour conversation that changed all of that. I sank into a very dark place quickly. I have avoided just flat out telling her that I want a divorce because I was afraid of hurting her. But while I was away something happened that made me just blurt out that I wanted out in the middle of our conversations.

My wife had the sister missionaries over for dinner while I was gone. She told me how the sisters had asked my son if he missed his dad (my son is 4 ) his response hurt really bad but it is the truth...."he said yes but not too much because sometimes he makes my mom cry." We have been going through a lot lately, obviously, but we thought we had been hiding it from him. The sisters didn't pay too much attention to it, but I did. Immediately after my wife said that I responded by saying I want out. I explained that our issues are obviously affecting our son more than we thought and we can't keep going the way we are. She agreed. She opened up about how hurt she is and how embarrassed. She said she can't get over the fact that I got married to her when I knew I was gay. (She doesn't understand how repressed I was and that I didn't even fully understand my sexuality back then.) She expounded a lot on this but long story short...she has a hard time not hating me because she feels I should have just chosen not to get married. I agreed. We discussed this in length, along with other specifics of how our families are going to react as well as the birth mother of our second son who is adopted. I was an emotional wreck throughout this conversation. I feel so guilty about everything. I just kept thinking a single question: Why couldn't I have been more brave and stood up for myself so that I wouldn't have caused all of this suffering?

So I guess what I need to ask myself, even though I don't want to is: Will I be brave enough now? Throughout the course of the Affirmation conference I cam to realize how much I desire to be an activist. I have often heard the phrase, "be the change you want to see." How can I stay married and pretend I am happy and committed when in fact I desire a change for those of us that are gay. I do not want to be married and I do not want other gay people to feel that they must get married. So, will I stand up and do what I feel is right....Will I stand up and work for change? I have to stand up and be brave now. I cannot just stand on the sidelines anymore and watch my life pass by.

I was so depressed after my conversation with my wife it took me two days of recovery just to be able to function. What I realized was that I wasn't depressed about my marriage ending, I was depressed because of the pain I have caused and the pain I will continue to cause if I stay married. My wife and I have moved closer to divorce. It feels that it is merely a matter of time and money before we pull the trigger and I think both of us feel it is for the best. We both are afraid of what everyone else will think and how many of them will hate me, but this will not be the reason we stay together. The chance of happiness is better than the continuation of suffering we are both feeling. 

Well there it is. This is where I/we are at. We shall see what unfolds but I am beginning to feel strength developing inside and I am encouraged by what I learned at the Affirmation conference. I apologize for this post it was merely a means for me to unload so that I can further process everything. I will post again when things are a little more coherent.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Turn it off!!!!!

I have really been getting into The Book of Mormon lately.

What, you ask has caused this sudden change?

Well, did you know that there is a musical by the same title...probably most of you do. I am a big fan!!! My next trip to NYC I will be seeing it! One of the songs had me rolling on the ground because it rang true to me and summed up my entire life until 8 months ago when I came out to my wife.

There is nothing like a good musical to get you in touch with your personal reality. If your in a hurry scroll to around 3:00 and watch to the end that's when its really good.

Monday, August 5, 2013


I finished my last summer class last Friday and I feel no sense of release, but rather, I feel a sense of loneliness. I am so alone right now....and the problem is I am not alone. my being alone stems from my lack of emotional connection to my wife. I have come to realize how disconnected I feel from my wife now that I have created relationships with others built entirely on the true/real me and I know now that I don't have that with my wife. i have tried to open up to her about how I feel but she just gets upset because my feelings toward the church differ from hers a great deal right now. I have tried to help her see my side but she just rights it off as anti-mormon BS and avoids talking about it further. She acts as if I have no reason to consider my personal experience about being gay. I feel like she wants me to just accept the churches stance and disregard anything that I feel. I feel so rejected by her that I have completely shut down again. It feels as if we are roommates who share parenting responsibilities.

I have discovered how wonderful it is for me to be out and open about my being gay and what I feel and now that I am back home, that freedom is completely gone. I can't handle sliding back into the closet it makes the loneliness increase and makes me feel trapped and smothered. I don't know what to do. I have shut down so completely that I have even given up on fights. She gets angry with me and says what's upsetting her and my response is, "add it to the list of things, it doesn't matter what I do any way you can't stand me so just add it to the list." I don't know what to do. I just want the loneliness to go away. Last week when I was in class and around a lot of people it was manageable, but over the weekend it kept deepening until I just can't stand it anymore. I long to be back in Salt Lake with all of my new friends. But I realize that that will not happen and even if we were all there again it wouldn't be exactly the same. I just need an authentic life, one where I am accepted and respected for who I am and what I believe. I wish I knew how to help my wife understand how I am feeling now. I don't know what to do. But knowing myself I will just bury these thoughts and feelings and it will all blow over in a few days. Maybe then I can look back with some perspective and figure out how to help my wife see my side of things.

Anyway, I have a lot of studying to do for a final doctoral exam so I guess I will bury myself in my preparations for the next 7 months and hope that will distract me enough so that I can function.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Acceptance: Love the Journey

I have spent the last three weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah and I had no idea how much I was going to learn while I was there. I am admittedly not a fan of mormondom right now so the fact I spent three weeks in the heart of the kingdom and survived surprises me.

I auditioned for a special opera program back in March and I was thrilled when I got accepted. This program is an amazing opportunity as it gives rare voice types much needed training and support. I was so excited to attend until I found out it was going to held in Salt Lake City. I knew this program would be a huge opportunity for me but I never could have imaged how much it would help me learn about myself.

About a week into the program I decided I was going to tell some of the friends I had made that I am gay. Needless to say this was not a major event for them because almost all of the people I told were not surprised that I was gay they were surprised that I knew I am gay. The common answer when I told people was that they already knew they just weren't sure that I was aware of my sexual orientation. Talk about a relief. I became very comfortable with these people and we had so many quality conversations. They were intrigued by my being Mormon, gay, and married to a woman. I have never thought of myself as being a brave or adventurous person but my friends in this program kept telling me that I was so brave for coming out to my wife and being honest with those around me. I have to be honest even after they told me this I still didn't really accept the idea of me being brave, until I came out to my best friend and his wife.

I have been friends with this guy since I was twelve years old.  We have always been close and I knew that I wanted to come out to him first of all of my childhood friends and even before my family. The process of coming out to people has been interesting to me. I get a definite feeling when it is time to share my secret with others. I have come out to 22 people now and each time I distinctly knew the right time. For my best friend the day came and I knew I was ready and that I would share with him. It took me an hour to work up the courage to tell him. We had spent the car ride together discussing his personal issues with the church right now and even had cycled through his thoughts on people being gay. He has always been very liberal minded and even about 9 years ago he turned to me in mid conversation and blurted out that it was ok if I was gay because he would still be my friend. I shrugged off this comment because I wasn't gay...hahaha. But this comment stuck with me even though he didn't remember making it. The time had arrived and I gathered up all my courage, after I had discussed my issues with the church with him, and told him that my issues stemmed from one thing. I had the issues I had because I am gay. He was surprised but then immediately said that it didn't matter to him at all and he was happy that I had shared the truth with him. Over the course of a few days I disclosed everything to him and his wife. She was super supportive as well and they both called me brave for coming out and sharing my struggles with them. I still didn't want to accept that I was brave but after a few days I began to feel that I have been. I may not be as brave as a solider but for my life I am brave.

Lessons learned:
Through the course of the past three weeks I have learned how much better life can be when you accept who you are and share your complete self with those around you. I had no secrets from all of my opera friends and it felt fantastic. They loved and accepted me for who I am. I didn't have any pretenses to keep up at all. I just got to be me, honest me. I have never felt so free in my entire life and I learned that freedom helps me find happiness.

I didn't think of myself as a different person but there was one guy in this program who has known me for two years and he told me that he couldn't believe how different I was. He was shocked after we talked more extensively and he began to understand where I was emotionally for the last few years. He was so supportive and has offered to be a constant contact to help me when things get rough. I learned through him how important it is to be true to yourself so that others can get to know you fully.

I learned that being gay and out is not nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be.

I never once went to church while I was in Salt Lake and I was happy. I always thought that not going to church would make me feel horrible but it was reversed. I took a group of people to temple square one Sunday and we went to Music and the Spoke word. This trip happened after I had come out to pretty much all of the program participants and nearly two weeks into my trip. Throughout the entire program I just couldn't shake how horrible I was beginning to feel. As we walked around temple square the feeling intensified. One of my friends that was with me asked if I was ok. I explained that all of this was making me feel horrible. Suicidal thoughts has begun to resurface, thoughts I haven't had since I came out to my wife six months ago. I was miserable and it was at church headquarters that I began to have these feelings again. A place supposedly filled with the spirit and I was feeling ill, both physically and emotionally. I realized that while I was on temple square I began to contemplate how I was going to go home and go back into the closet and put on the same old façade that I had been maintaining for years. These feelings helped me realize that I can no longer continue to do this, I must be fully out in order to find true self acceptance and in order to nurture my beliefs. I no longer feel that the church is the place for me because it will not allow me to believe what I do, nor will it allow me to be who I feel I need to be.

My final day at this program was fantastic. I had wonderful friends surrounding me that day who came to support me as I sang at the final concert. I was fortunate to even have a fellow moho come and my best friend and his wife. It was great to look out in the audience and see them as I sang. Later that evening I was able to go out with some of these people and I had a wonderful time. That night made me love life more fully. I cannot remember a time when I felt so accepted and loved by those around me. I realized that night that for me being gay is truly a blessing and living as a gay man will not be horrible but could be a source of great joy ( especially if I can maintain the friendships with those who were with me that night). I learned that I love being a gay man.

I am grateful for the experiences I was able to have through the course of these last three weeks. I feel like I am finally fully accepting myself and that I am no longer as concerned about what others will think about who I really am.  Through all of this I realized that I am finally on the right path to self acceptance and I am loving this journey.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


Things have been crazy lately and I have completely ignored my blog. Partly because my wife found my blog ( I hadn't told her about it, I need a place to work through my thoughts and feelings and I have been sharing a lot with her and our bishop and I wanted this to just be for me) Needless to say she wasn't very happy about this but I didn't want to discuss my blog with her and just explained why I needed it. She didn't like my reason for having a blog but it seems like she understands it enough to respect my decision for having one. We'll keep discussing it and hopefully she will fully understand and support my decision. I have nothing to hide from her, as almost everything on this blog has been shared verbally with her, its just it felt good to have a private space that I could sort through things.

Life is a out of control right now. After a long trip to Idaho we are back in New York and life just keeps moving forward. I am preparing to return out west for an opera program in Salt Lake. I leave on Saturday and will be there for almost four weeks. My family will be staying in New York and I will be going alone. This is the first time that I will leave for more than a night or two since we got married. I have to admit that I am a little anxious about being gone for so long, but I need to know what it is like since being an opera singer doesn't exactly mean you stay in one place for long periods of time. This will help us test the waters to see if  we can handle this lifestyle.

I would be lying if I didn't admit it also gives us a chance to see what divorced life might be like. My wife will basically be functioning as a single mom and I will be a bachelor again. I know I will miss my family more than I can describe but I think this will be a good growing opportunity for us. I have been fearing what life would mean if we divorce and I think this will give me a much needed glimpse.

I guess I am feeling really reflective because it was our eighth anniversary yesterday and neither of us were really into it. Life has become a process that we routinely move through. I think this is mainly my fault because I have found myself retreating emotionally again. It is just so much easier to shut down and retreat to the old non-emotional me, rather than face the internal battle that comes with acknowledging and experiencing emotion. Our anniversary was the most uneventful day especially when you compare it with past celebrations. My wife is usually all about celebrating and doing fun things on this day and yet this year neither of us really seemed to be invested in celebrating. I'm sure she is struggling with everything and just doesn't know how to bring up what she is feeling. It will probably come up soon though because it feels a little like the quiet before the storm which has proceeded so many of our intense conversations. I think both of us are feeling the fatigue of life and we are sick of battling with my being gay.

Well, just writing this much has helped ease my mind a little and made me feel tired so I need to get some sleep, I have 15 pages of music to memorize tomorrow and I need sleep to do that.

If anyone is in the Salt Lake area and would like to hang out shoot me an email at I would love to meet more mohos while I am out west.

Anyway its 3 am and time to say....Good night.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

And here we have Idaho....

We have been in Idaho now for 2 weeks and we still have another 2 weeks before we go back to New York. I am going crazy here. I feel trapped in a close-minded world!!! (Though I am sure this more my own perception than reality)

I came to Idaho determined to tell my parents everything. I wanted so badly to share with them about my being gay and what I am currently feeling but my family quickly shut that down. I began to approach the subject one night but as we started talking about "the gays" there were many things said that I would classify as insensitive and bigoted. I shut down immediately and quickly changed the subject. What hurt the most was in the middle of that conversation my wife began to side with what was being said, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I am so frustrated right now! I am so sick of people being unwilling to understand different perspectives. I am not asking that everyone believe the way that I do but I would hope that would at least be able to listen and think about things before discounting anything. I guess I shouldn't be so upset because its not like I opened up and came out but the environment made me rethink my desire to tell anyone in my family. I hate how I feel right now. I feel myself slipping backward. Two weeks ago I felt so comfortable with who I am and I just wanted to share everything with everyone. One conversation with my family and I shrivel up and hide. I guess I have a lot of insecurity in regards to my family. I wish I was stronger and more self confident.

Since that conversation my wife and I have been fighting a lot more. From my perspective I feel like my wife is mad at me because of my feelings toward the church and my belief that being gay is a permanent part of who I am. Her true feelings emerged during the conversation and I can't get the look on her face out of my head when she began throwing subtle verbal daggers as I was trying to guide the conversation toward me coming out to my family.

I am so lost about my feelings right now. I feel like I just want to go back into the closet and shut my emotions down (it seems that this happens every time I have a set back emotionally). I realize that I can't do this but it is so appealing because it makes life seem so simple and easy in comparison to what I am facing right now.

Being home in Idaho makes me feel like the young and dumb guy I used to be. It is easy to want to slip into my old habits because this place triggers so many self loathing feelings and I just hate it! I am so excited to go back to New York and get back to the place where I feel like the real me. I know eventually I will need to find a way to be authentic to who I am when I am around family and in Idaho but right now it feels impossible.

Even though I am not out to anyone in my social circle in New York it still feels good to be around them because there are several gay guys in that circle and I know when I do come out it will not be a big deal. I guess the lack of emotional connection I feel here stems from my lack of friendships and honest relationships. But I guess I can endure this for a few more weeks and hopefully begin to figure out how to have more self confidence for the next time I come back to Idaho.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Importance of Friendship

During my teenage years I would have considered myself a very outgoing and friendly person. I had many friends from multiple high schools and I was always doing things with my friends. I had four extremely close friends and I loved each of them. I had a lot of fun with them and miss those days, it still fun to catch up with them every so often but distance and life have caused us to grow apart. But the older I got the more I began to realize that I was different. I liked guys.

My first year of college was a time of transition and change for me. I began to shut myself off from those around me. I had great roommates for my freshman year and they did a lot to try and include me but I hide behind my homework and classes so that I wouldn't have to do much with them. At the time I didn't realize that I was doing this because I was attracted to one of my roommates. It was easier to avoid him and thus the group than face what I was feeling. My freshman year began the "new" non-emotional me. This pattern of social avoidance started that year and continued until I finally came out to my wife earlier this year. I had begun to hide who I was because I felt ashamed that I was attracted to guys. It wasn't until the second year of my masters, and nearly 10 years after my freshman year that everything fell into place and I realized I had done all of this because I was gay.

I didn't really form any lasting friendships while I was in undergrad and getting married made this much worse for me. I had three part-time jobs and was a full time student giving ample excuse not to venture out socially. I hide behind the piano and organ at church so I wouldn't have to interact with people until eventually I no longer sought to establish friendships or even simply talk with people anywhere I went. I came across to people as being very stern and "business" focused. I thought I was ok with this, I thought I would be able to keep up this façade for the rest of my life so that I would never have to face the fact that I am gay. Boy was I wrong!!!

Since January, when I came out to my wife, I have had no choice but to explore my emotions and assess how I have cheated myself out of truly living. Establishing quality friendships is one of the biggest areas I have cut myself short. I was/am emotionally stunted but I feel this changing each and every day. I have begun to force myself to not only respond to people when they speak to me but I seek people out to establish better relationships.

I have never been one to have a guys night out nor have I been one to go out to lunch with a group of school mates. But this week I took a big first step and went out for drinks and lunch with a couple of the TAs I teach with. I had a fantastic time we spent two and half hours talking, laughing, and having fun. I can't believe that in all of the years of my education this is the first time I have done this. This experience was the catalyst for me to realize how cut off I have been in terms of friendships. This is changing and I am excited for this part of my journey. Besides working to cultivate deeper friendships with those around me I have begun to reach out to all of my past friends and I am working to build lasting friendships with new people.

I just cannot believe how stunted I have become emotionally because of my suppression of who I am. The next step for me in my journey is to continue to cultivate the friendships I have with other gay men and expand that circle to include many more people who will be a support system for the difficult times ahead.  I now feel ready to begin coming out to some of my friends who are gay and are probably unaware of my orientation. The thought of coming out to them is exciting and encouraging, quite the opposite of how I thought I would feel.

My growing friendships have given me new hope for life. Getting in touch with my emotions has made me cherish each day and I am excited for each new day because each day is a chance for me to engage in living rather than just pretending to live. I now understand the importance of friendship and I am excited for life!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Stuck in a Cycle

It feels as though I haven't posted in forever, but I finally have some time and something to share. Things with my wife have settled into what I have deemed the "cycle of tolerance." It feels as though we each are living separate lives and we meet at night to say prayers and sleep. So basically we just tolerate life with one another and go about our own business. I go about my school stuff and work all day, she is busy with church stuff and friends and then around 8 in the evening we see each other at home hardly say a word and then go to bed only to begin again the next day.

I have to say that this  cycle makes things much easier for me, though I realize it is not very healthy. I can just go about my day without having to worry about my being gay or even acknowledging it. We both just tolerate the elephant in the room and move around it as if there isn't anything bothering us. Our home life is quite and peaceful but it is void of anything that resembles a real relationship to me. I can't say that I want that to change. Emotionally I am ready to divorce and move on, but the reality of what is happening in our lives will not allow us to do that just yet. She has admitted that she isn't in love with me anymore and I have said the same to her, but I think we are both just too afraid to move in the direction that we know we should because our lives are just too messy right now. I think that as the dust settles from all that we have been dealing with (not related to my coming out/being gay) that we will be able to truly evaluate our relationship and see how we should proceed. The cycle we are in will not last forever and I know I don't want it to.

Despite the lack of connect between my wife and I, I still feel at peace. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I wouldn't change that for anything.

In other news we get to speak in church on Sunday, I'm not sure how I will approach this talk now that my dedication to the church is waning. But I do have a testimony of Christ which luckily my topic is Christ as our Savior, so I should be able to pull this off. Part of me wants to lay my being gay on our ward, which is way too stuffy and closed minded,  but I guess that probably would not be a very wise move. I let you know if there is anything to report.

I guess for now I'll just keep treading water and maneuver through life in the cycle my wife and I have fallen into. I know I titled this stuck in a cycle but I'm choosing to stay in the cycle so I guess I'm not really stuck.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Plan of Happiness????

When I finally admitted to my wife that I was gay our initial approach to our situation was that we could "overcome" this "temptation." I remember my first meeting with our bishop. I told him that I loved my family more than some "temptation" I realize now that I was so naïve about what my being gay was going to mean for me personally.

My beliefs have changed drastically since I initially came out to my wife. I now believe that my being gay is a part of my personal plan of happiness. This is a part of who I am and it is not something that will change or go away. I do not believe that this part of myself will disappear when I die, I do not hold out for some magical transformation. I believe that God made me how I am and that he accepts every part of me, including the gay part. When the reassuring confirmation came letting me know that I was accepted by God I struggled to accept the answer I was receiving. But eventually peace settled within me and I accepted what I was being told. I just kept wondering how I could be receiving this answer? This had to be wrong. No one was supposed to be gay. I have never felt such overwhelming peace in my life and I finally realized that this part of myself was meant to be and was natural. Many point to the rest of the animal kingdom to support this notion citing the more than 1500 species that have homosexual interactions/pairings to support their claims. While I find this fact reassuring the peace I felt gave me more in terms of support than science can right now.

My personal acceptance of being gay has made me take a long hard look at where I fit within the plan of salvation ( and for that matter the church as a whole). The reality of my personal experience with being gay does not mesh with what I heard growing up within the church. This is what happens when dogma collides with personal experience. I am trying to decide how I should proceed. Do I pretend that my personal inspiration and experience do not matter and are false or do I assess what the church has said and reject that which conflicts with my reality. Recently the plan of "happiness" has weighed heavily on my mind. I have had to assess where I fit within this plan. Initially I feel like there is no place for me within the plan as I understand it. I cannot accept an eternity married to a woman. I am struggling to survive the here and now being married to a woman. I do not feel like being married to a woman would be  a source of happiness for me. Right now I do not see my marriage as a source of happiness and my wife agrees with me. We have fallen into a cycle, we have a huge fight, a solid discussion, and then a few days of relative happiness; which in my mind only seems like happiness because there is an absence of frustration and anxiety.

I truly believe that there is happiness to be found. My situation and personal feelings make me feel that it will be best found outside of my marriage. I haven't shared this with my wife yet but in an effort to continue to be honest will bring this up when the time is right. I am still assessing where I stand and deciding if this is truly what I want. In our last conversation I explained my feelings about the plan of salvation, the church, and my personal stance. She was far more understanding than I expected. I agreed not to act hastily but that I would continue with our routine while continuing to discuss my change in beliefs. Today in church the speaker made a comment about how wonderful it is to have a solid testimony of the church and my wife leaned over to me and said "don't you want that again" I looked her in the eye and said that I don't think it will ever be the same for me. She smiled and went back to listening to the speaker I on the other hand began to ponder on the things I am sharing here.

I don't know what the future holds but I am moving forward. I am feeling peace more consistently as I continue to accept myself and formulate what I believe. I am excited to learn more about myself and accept what I find. Maybe some day soon I will understand more clearly where I fit within God's plan of happiness, but for now I am happy creating a plan for my own happiness.

Monday, April 8, 2013

What do I do now?

I have been relatively silent compared to my typical blogging  behavior and feel I need to explain. Since coming out to my wife I promised myself that I would be completely honest with her about everything. I have lived up to that promise but it has made saving our marriage much more difficult in some ways. Over the last week my wife and I have been in a very difficult place, fortunately everything came to a head on Saturday night (true to form we had a long and emotionally charged discussion in the middle of the night).

This semester has been hectic and has demanded that I miss a lot of class and cancel my students lessons. A few weeks ago I decided that I would schedule lessons on Saturday April 6, I did this on purpose. I had no desire to listen to conference and was glad I had a reason to miss two of the three sessions that day. I got home from teaching and didn't want to go to the Priesthood session but out of respect for my wife I went. Since my mission I have struggled with believing in the church. I had some bad experiences on my mission that left my testimony weakened to say the least. My coming to terms with being gay pushed me over the edge and I have decided I no longer believe in the church. A few weeks ago I expressed some concern about my testimony when I was having a conversation with my wife. She said she need time to process this and that we would talk again. Well two weeks later and I am ready to walk away from the church. My reasons are personal so they will not be shared here but I did share them with my wife.

She has been very depressed all day today and says she doesn't know what to do with this information. I told her I understand why she feels this way and that I would allow her time to figure out what she wants to do.

In the course of our conversation it became clear to me that the main reason we thought we wanted to save our marriage was because of our testimonies about the plan of salvation. For me this is no longer a consideration as I do not feel that I personally fit in that plan as I am gay and feel that this is not a temporary condition but one that will continue. She said she understand why I feel this way....I think she is starting to grasp that this is not a condition that will be removed through "faithful" living, at least not from where I stand.

Sunday I slept the majority of the conference sessions but was amazed when my wife said she would understand if I didn't want to listen to conference with her. I said I would just to spend time with her and to maintain a sense of consistency for our son.

On Sunday night we continued our conversation after finding out that the parents of my wife's good friend are getting divorced. This got us discussing where we stand and how we were going to proceed. I detailed my feelings for her about how being gay meant that I would always be gay and that I did not see an end to this part of myself. I told her my fear is that I will become more bitter and angry if I try and suppress this part of myself, like I did prior to coming out to her. I admitted that I had very little hope that saving our marriage would bring us happiness because I can't see myself happy continuing on the path we are on. I asked her if she would even consider me husband material after all of my confessions, (some of which I just mentioned). She stated that no, I would not make the cut because I am a very different person now than the man she married. I agreed with her.

In the course of our conversation it came out that she doesn't trust me. I feel I must explain this. I have been involved in pornography and masturbation, which I have confessed to her and our bishop three almost four months ago after I came out to her. I have gained self control and have been honest with her about all of it. I have NEVER had another relationship with anyone since I got married. Besides my viewing pornography I have never cheated on my wife, I realize this is still horrible but I have never sought relationships with men. Sure I am attracted to a lot of guys but I have never reached out to anyone. In order to keep myself clear of temptation I have even kept myself from developing friendships with anyone other than those couples my wife chooses. My response to her lack of trust surprised her. I was discouraged and let her know that I don't see a reason for us to try to save our marriage if there is no trust. She said she would work on gaining trust in me again. I feel so frustrated. I just want this all to end. I feel like I have a gaping wound and every time it starts to heal the wound tears open even bigger. By the end of our conversation I basically had told her that I just don't see a happy way to continue our marriage and that I felt maybe we should consider other options (hinting at divorce). I couldn't bring myself to say the words I know I need to: "I want a divorce." I can't say them because I know it will deeply hurt my wife, but then I keep thinking if I feel like I have a wound that keeps growing wouldn't she be feeling the same way????

I usually try to make my posts flow and feel organized but tonight I am just to emotionally and physically exhausted to edit and refine this post (maybe later). I don't know how much more I can take of this emotional rollercoaster. I just had to get some of these thoughts off my mind so that I can focus on all of the final projects I need to do tonight.

The only question resounding in my head now is: What do I do now? Hopefully a good nights rest will bring come clarity and further insight.

Friday, March 29, 2013


My post tonight is coming from a very different place for me. For the first time I feel calm and centered. I have been thinking a great deal about the current debate centered on gay marriage. I am very much in support of gay marriage but this is not what has been humming around in my mind. I made a major realization for myself.

I have mentioned before that had my parents and the world in general been more understanding of gay people I probably would have chosen a different life path. As I have been following the political discourse surrounding gay marriage I realized that by staying married I am in fact continuing the cycle that I have felt kept me from accepting myself fully. It dawned on me that this could be the main reason I have struggled to commit to stay married. I feel that by continuing my marriage I am continuing a lie that was told to me when I was young and impressionable. I was told that marriage was the answer to everything, that if I prayed hard enough, served diligently enough, and had self-control, I would marry and life would be wonderful. I can guarantee you that this was not the case for me.

I have come to understand that for me personally I want to be an advocate for change, a force for equality and freedom. I want to stand on top of the rooftops and shout that being gay is acceptable and for me preferable. I want to be politically involved, I don't want to silently rejoice when gay rights are moved forward, I want to be part of the process. I want to reduce the pain for teens and young adults unsure of what their sexuality means for them. I want to provide help for the suffering teens in Utah forsaken by their families and abandoned by their government. I have discussed these desires with my wife and she says she understands why I feel this way but anytime she sees me watching news reports centered on gay marriage she quickly suggests I change the channel. I think, based on some things she has said, she thinks if I avoid all things gay I will be able to "overcome" my gayness and we can be a normal couple. I don't want to hide who I am any more and I don't want to be a mute observer of the changes happening within our society. So what do I do?

As I see it I have two legitimate options: 1- I stay married and become more vocal about who I am and what I stand for, convincing my wife to be more open and to help her understand that being an advocate doesn't have to mean that I embrace a different life path. 2- I end my marriage, move forward in a new life as a gay man, and pursue my dreams to be a gay rights activist/advocate. I have to be honest, I think I prefer #2 because it allows me the freedom to truly live and advocate what I believe in, I don't have to justify a hetero appearance with the homosexual within. I would get to be what I feel would be authentic.

I can't shake the passion I feel about standing up for equality. I want to be a source of goodness in this world and feel like a fake as a married gay Mormon. I still have not decided about my marriage but with these strong desires to be a gay rights advocate I don't see how I can justify/sustain a mixed orientation marriage. Anyone got any suggestions?

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Inner Peace

It seems that any time I have massive amounts of homework all I can think of is writing my next post. I have been in a very introspective mood today and have had a few thoughts that I have to explore.

First, there has been a major shift in my personal sense of self over the last week. I realized today that what used to be a sense of emptiness and darkness within myself has lifted, it happened without my noticing and I realized as I was working out this morning that I have found a sense of peace and comfort that I never knew was possible. My entire life my being gay was an obstacle standing in the way of personal acceptance and peace. I cannot remember a time in my life where I didn't feel this emptiness/darkness, because of my hidden secret, but today as I sit and think about who I am I feel a strong sense of peace and acceptance. I haven't figured out everything for myself but I finally feel like I matter and I deserve peace and happiness.

A single thought has begun to simmer in my mind during this same time. If I have found peace in accepting myself as a gay man could I find happiness through living the lifestyle I am drawn to. By "lifestyle" I mean a committed gay relationship where I am married to a man and creating a life for ourselves. I used to think that my being gay just meant that I was attracted to men. But I have come to realize that it is much more than that. By analyzing my marriage with my wife we have come to realize that my being gay has affected every aspect of our interactions together. My attraction to men is deeply ingrained in all aspects of my personality. I have come to realize that for me, in every aspect of my relationship with my wife I have some sort of emotional block because of my attraction to men. I consider my wife to be a friend but don't feel she is my partner. Even she has acknowledged that our interactions as a couple seem more like friends who share a bed rather than a couple in love. We sometimes joke that we are really good roommates but an awkward couple.

I have begun to assess what is keeping me from fully committing myself to divorce since I have been analyzing what has been keeping me from committing fully to my marriage I decided I need to turn the coin over and do some analyses. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that the idea of getting a divorce and moving on with my life gives me a sense of peace in many ways. Yet there are a few things that keep me from accepting divorce as the answer. 1- I will miss he daily contact with my son as my wife would move back to Idaho and I would be in New York. I love my son completely and him being absent from my life makes me extremely sorrowful. 2- I am very concerned with how my family and friends would react to our divorcing, especially when they find out that I am gay. 3- I am afraid of being single and alone. I do not consider myself very outgoing so I am afraid that I would forever be alone which would be far worse than my current situation. These three things are what keep me from requesting a divorce. What makes me feel horrible about this list of concerns is that losing my wife isn't on the list. I would be sad if our relationship went south and we were unable to be friends, but I would not miss our marriage (at least I feel this way standing in the middle of the situation). I feel like our marriage is so much work. It doesn't feel motivated by the type of love that should sustain a marriage. I worry about what would happen to her if we divorced, though I know she would find someone and move on.

The initial thought is that of all these concerns #1 is the crucial concern because it concerns my son. The other two have to do with personal insecurity and should not be reasons for stopping yourself from pursuing a course of action. But I have said before that I will not stay in a rough marriage just for my son because my parents marriage was horrible and they stayed in it just for me and my sister. My experience dictates that this isn't something I can recommend for myself now.

Funny how you can have a sense of peace with a whirlwind of concerns swimming around in your head. I am growing accustomed to the juxtaposition of peace and concern though because it seems to be the center of my daily experience.

So what do I do? Have I considered all that I should? Maybe tomorrow I'll have some more ideas.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Why me?

In the course of coming to terms with my being gay I have wondered many times.... why me? So it came as no surprise to me when my wife turned to me the other day and said "why us? What are we supposed to learn from all of this (referencing my being gay)?" My quick response was: I don't know and I don't know if I will ever know why. Her question brought the "why me" front and center for me again and I have been trying to construct my ideas around this question for several days.

Today I have finally had a little time to reflect on the why behind my being gay. Not that I have reached a definitive answer as to why I am gay, but I did get an affirmation that has put my mind at ease. I was sitting in a classroom waiting for my next student and it hit me that personal "why me" could have two answers. It may mean that I have the strength to endure and find peace and joy in my marriage or it may mean that I have the strength to acknowledge who I am and choose to live in complete honesty. Both options have value to me and as I sat there thinking about this I realized that it would be ok if I chose either option. I no longer feel trapped or as if I must choice one or the other. I now feel that I get to decide how my life will unfold. This quiet affirmation has brought me an even deeper sense of unity with my inner self. I don't feel as though I am being ripped apart but rather I feel as though I now get to choose how to sustain and nurture who I am by choosing the path of life I will find most fulfilling. I think before this realization I spent too much to cursing God and trying to define why I was gay when in fact I do not need to have a why but rather a how should I move forward.

My focus is no longer on the why me and I realize it doesn't have to be. The fact of the matter is that I am alive and have the opportunity to choose for myself the paths that will enhance my personal journey through life. This does not mean that I will not struggle but it means that I have control. I do not have to be a passive drone marching through life to the beat of someone else's drum. I set my own beat and can march as I please. For too long I have contorted myself to do as others have planned for me, and now I have decided that I am no longer beholden to anyone's idea of life other than my own. This means I have to reconcile any differences with my wife and determine how we should proceed, but by acknowledging that I am the master of my destiny I no longer feel the strong need to understand the "why me".  I get to live and enjoy the journey, I am trying to figure out how my life will unfold. I can now enjoy the "what next" rather than the "why."

Thursday, March 21, 2013 a way.

Well, I am happy to report that my wife and I had a thorough conversation last night about many things including the questions I discussed in my previous post. I have to commend my wife for being such a wonderful person. We are feeling many of the same things about our marriage right now and she is so patient and understanding about my feelings. I feel like this conversation has deepened our respect for one another and given us a solid foundation to either save our marriage or end it.

The core of our discussion centered on what I now believe and what I struggle with in regards to the church. I don't need to go into the details but needless to say I basically told her that I am no longer a 100% committed member because of my personal experience. I asked her is she could accept that and she said that it worries her but she understands why I feel the way that I do. She also admitted that the things we discussed are things she needs to process to determine where she stands as well.

The hardest question to ask her was if she thought I was being selfish in considering divorce as an option. She quickly responded no and said that through the course of the last few months she has never felt I have been selfish in how I have approached our marriage. She also admitted that there are many days where she considers divorce. I asked her if the thought of divorce gave her peace, and she said that in many ways it does. She says that divorce scares her because of all of the logistics and how it will change our son's life but most of all she says she worries about what would happen to me if we got divorced. I was touched by this and don't feel the need to share all that we discussed around this comment but needless to say it gave me great insight into my wife's soul and hope for our continued relationship (married or not).

We talked about our relationship and compared it to her brothers relationship with his wife (we just got back from visiting them). She acknowledged that she feels our relationship is forced and sometimes awkward while theirs seemed so natural and effortless. We both acknowledged how this made us feel jealous. She asked a hard hitting question: "How do you love me?" I didn't want to go first so I asked her a dodging question that reflected back on her. She stated that she doesn't think she is in love with me but that she does love me and cares for me. I said that I felt exactly the same way. She seemed relieved to at my answer.

She cried a little through out conversation mostly when she talked about how worried she would be for me if we got divorced and when she admitted she wasn't in love with me, but on the whole I felt like we had probably the best conversation we have ever had in almost 8 years of marriage. (We both learned a lot about each other through this conversation).

The final portion of our conversation centered on what we wanted to do about our marriage. I told her that I felt I was unsure because, to me, if I stay in our marriage I feel like I am furthering the denial of my homosexuality and becoming a "poster child" for the mixed-orientation marriage approach too common in the church (this is my opinion and in no way means that I think it should never happen this is just what staying in our marriage makes me feel). I told her I felt like I could be a source for change and a voice/example for gay rights if we gt divorced. She acknowledged that she could see me in that way as well. I told her that I cannot commit anymore than I have at this point because I have too many years of repression, anger, resentment, and confusion to sort through. She said she understood why I feel that way and that she is willing to work through it all with me. We determined that perhaps in praying to strengthen our efforts to save our marriage we are preventing ourselves from understanding if we should stay married. We decided to pray to find out if we should stay married or if we should divorce.

In true fashion of our conversations this left us with little sleep for the next day but I think both of us found a new sense of peace by exploring these questions. This conversation did not yield any definitive answers but it has helped us to get on the same page as one another so that neither of us feel like the "bad" one exploring the possibility of divorce and what life would mean for us as friends rather than as a couple.

This conversation has truly brightened my day and has put me in a good place for my upcoming audition this Saturday. I am excited to sing for people and I am excited that my wife and son are going with me so we can have another vacation to become more familiar with one another. Life is good even though it is a bit messy right now.