Just when I start to feel like I know where life is headed everything falls apart. I am months away from finishing my Doctorate and now I don't even know if I want to have anything to do with music. I just got a rejection from a young artist program I have already worked with. As if doubting myself as a gay man wasn't enough now I have to feel like I am worthless as a singer. Seriously when it rains it pours!!! I guess I'll have to take that as an answer to my recent self doubts.
I have been wondering if I even want to be a singer anymore (I know $150,000 in tuition and 12 years of my life and now I think I don't want to). I realized about a month ago that I used music and singing as a way to find acceptance from others. Much needed acceptance since I loathed myself as a gay person. I always hid behind my talent even though many would consider it a fairly gay talent. I even admitted to a friend that perhaps I don't want to be a singer anymore because I no longer feel the need to be accepted by others on their terms but rather on mine now that I am comfortable with being gay.
And then today I get a rejection from someone/a program that I felt was a place I belonged and could finally gain much needed experience. Well that has been shot to hell!!! I feel horrible...this only compounds all of the horrible feelings I have felt about my marriage, the church, and life in general. What do I have to learn that requires everything to be happening at once.
I guess the good thing is that this experience has made me reach out to a friend who is interested in starting a business. Since I have no musical engagements and no future plans I can begin to invest fully in this opportunity....if it doesn't get shot to hell. I texted him just after I got my rejection letter. Our plans for this business are one of the only bright spots in my life right now and I decided if he wasn't interested anymore I needed to know tonight so I can face all my rejection issues right now. So i can say everything went south but there appears to be very little left for me right now and the worst part is I don't feel like anyone I could talk to face to face would understand because I am not out to enough people yet. Why can't things get simpler why do they have to keep compounding.
Where do I go from here? My music career is stagnant....I don't really want to teach...I don't have good enough performance credentials to teach anywhere that will pay decent...I won't lie suicide crossed my mind but don't worry that won't happen because it would just leave my boys and their mom in a very bad situation as my life insurance policy isn't old enough....yep I went there the darkest place one can go but I can't because I can't afford to do it...damn finances always getting in the way of everything.
I just have to keep reminding myself how accepted I felt at the Affirmation conference and I need to figure out a way that I can keep that feeling so that I can move forward.
I will probably be contact a therapist tomorrow as the pressure of everything feels like it demands extra help. I am not ashamed of therapy and think it will do me some good but damn I thought I was handling everything really well until this very moment!!! I guess when you get a rejection from an organization that has helped you grow so much and you trust and rely on them and then they pull the rug out from under you it brings up a lot of sh*t.
Well its late and this post has been dark enough....I am going to try and force myself to write a post about the conference so I can get back to a positive place. Besides its late and I am tired...hopefully I can sleep despite my anxiety and sadness.
To be honest I don't comments about my suicidal thoughts....I know I know it gets better. Maybe if you want to comment tell me a positive change that has happened in your life that brought you a lot of happiness or alleviated some stress instead. I promise I will not kill myself but I had to be honest while posting what I feel in this moment right now. I just tend to bottle up my emotions. I think my wife will be surprised about how much this upset me when she reads this because to her face I was just shrugging it off. What the hell???? (is up with my life right now)?????? I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out!!!
Sorry I'm a day late, but I dare comment, Drew, because in the midst of some of your rough turmoils you were thoughtful enough and willing to reach out to me to offer help. You're a good person, and frankly, I (or other Mohos like us) need you to be around when my life goes or their lives go to shit again. I've been at the rock bottom you're describing fairly recently. I covered it up to those that I love, but because I decided not to follow that darkest thought, and I listened to the great advice I've gotten from other Mohos, I'm in a place now where I'm actually really happy. I have hope for my future today more than I've felt in many many months. I need you to know that I value you, and I'm damn sure that other people do, too. Sorry, I'll stop now because I know this is what you said you didn't really want to hear. (But you deserve some compliments anyway.)
ReplyDeleteGraham,
DeleteThanks for your kind words. After a day in bed combined with several episodes of My name is Earl, I feel like I am on the road to recovery. It does feel good to know that others care and understand. Thanks again and I am glad you are here and happy.