Sunday, April 27, 2014

What's next?

So I just had a very depressing conversation with my wife and it only lasted maybe a minute. Today had been a very long day for me. Sacrament meeting was annoying as I had to sit through early 20 somethings talk about how much they know the church is true and blah, blah, blah. Then in Primary the theme for the month is "The Family is Ordained of God." The children have to repeat a quote from the proclamation. I just want to stand up and scream, " what about me and all of us LGBT people?" I am tired of feeling like a trapped rat. Then church was finally over and it was our week to do the cleaning of the building. My wife had a meeting so I wandered the building cleaning and wishing I could just run away. I got home in time to prepare a lesson for home teaching....which I love doing ;). I have to really carefully word things so that I don't feel like a liar. By the time I got home from home teaching I was done with everything. I refused to go to choir practice which frustrated my wife, but luckily our youngest fell asleep just in time for me to have an excuse.
When my wife got home it was business as usual. Watched an episode of Once Upon a Time, then Turn and she then started to get texts like crazy. I asked who is texting she said it was her sister (the one she has confided in about our situation). I didn't think anything of it but then she suddenly came into the living room and said that her sister texts her a lot because she knows everything now. I said ok, that's fine. Then she blurted out that her sister was worried that I was physically abusing her and forcing her to stay with me. I rolled my eyes and hide the tears. She laughed and said that she had finally convinced her sister that I was not abusing her and that she is in control of her situation. I shut down immediately I just wanted to sob. I am still holding back the tears as I type. Everyone is in bed and I am too upset to sleep. I mean what the hell??? So because I am gay I am now the scum of the earth and treat everyone like shit? I admit there are very intense moments between my wife and I but I have never even thought about going into a physical realm and I work hard to make sure that I avoid hurtful things in my speech when I am upset. I try to stay calm and use words to work myself through whatever I am feeling. This just makes me wonder what my wife has been telling her sister. I know she feels betrayed because of my being closeted for so long and that she feels deceived, I have acknowledged that her feelings are justified and I continually apologize. I thought that her sister was being supportive and understanding but instead it seems that she is trying to make things worse. My wife already wants a divorce, and we are trying to make that happen according to our own timeline, but it seems that her sister is trying to spur her on because she feels that my wife will give up and just stay. After my wife had shared this with me she didn't ask how I felt, she just turned to me and said  "I told you she would push for me to get out." I just shook my head. I am tired of feeling like a horrible person and my wife doesn't help because she is so flippant about everything in how she says it to me. It feels as though she thinks that our situation doesn't cause me any pain. I feel that for her I will forever be the asshole that married a woman to cure the gay and wasn't faithful enough to make it happen.
It is getting to the point that each night I go to bed exhausted emotionally most nights I feel on the verge of tears. Then each morning I wake up hoping for a good day only to end the day thinking what will happen tomorrow to make me feel worse. You see, on top of all of this personal bullshit, my career is in the toilet. Every audition is a resounding NO, because I am too young, not developed enough, lack experience, etc. I am beginning to wish I could move to Alaska and live off the land and never be around people again. But then I remember how much I love not having to kill my own food. Plus I would not have any malls and as a gay man I need a good mall in order to survive : ).
If I could have one wish I would wish to be out of this situation just so I can find happiness again. I don't consider myself a negative person (even though this post testifies otherwise), but I long for peace and happiness. I still find joy in my boys, I love and cherish every moment with them because I know there is change coming, but I feel I would be such a better father if I wasn't in a situation that constantly reminds me of all of my failures. Plus then I wouldn't always be wondering what's coming next?
To be fair to myself I feel that through my therapy and support group I have gotten a lot better at handling all of this, I mean I think the old me would have broken down and stayed in bed a long time ago but the new me keeps trucking onward (maybe this is a benefit of all of my pioneer ancestry). I do believe that eventually this will pass so for now I will just have to vent to my blog.

Sunday, April 20, 2014


Well it has been a while, hasn't it? Things have been a little crazy for me for the past few weeks and I lost interest in blogging. But today has been a very emotional day for me and I need to empty my mind.

Church was very difficult for me. I have landed in atheist land and find myself mourning the loss of all of the plans I had for this and the next life. Seeing as how it is Easter my ward actually had very good talks and lessons centered on Jesus Christ, but I was not interested in the subjects being explored but rather in how I was responding. I found myself longing for the things were saying to be true. I wished that the church was right, that there was a way to escape being gay. I longed for there to be a God who loved me, and I wished that there was a savior of mankind. I nearly broke down in tears twice during the three hour block of meetings. I am the primary pianist and the children sang today in sacrament meeting. The song was beautiful and many in the meeting broke down in tears. I assume that it was due to the Easter message voiced through the song. I however was mourning my loss. I feel that I have lost all faith in the divine. My being gay has left me feeling abandoned and betrayed thus my faith is fading. I have had a hard time accepting the title of atheist but I feel for now I must. I am just so tired of kicking myself over my sexuality, my religious beliefs (or lack there of), and my marriage. I have to stop writing about this because it is still too dark a place for me to fully explore.

In other news....Three weeks ago my wife announced she wants a divorce because we have very different religious views and thus feelings about my being gay. I was numb for a day or two after this announcement, but I have come to terms with it. I am hunting for jobs and we have discussed that when I get a new job I will move and she will either stay here or move back to Idaho. She also mentioned to me that she wants to tell someone about our situation and I said that was fine. She told me that she was thinking she would tell her sister, I said that would be fine just please let me know before you do it. I had been gone for two weeks auditioning in New York City and when I got home after I unpacked and we were sitting down for dinner, my wife turned to me and told me she had told her sister everything two days earlier. Again, shocked but not upset at all. She told me her sisters response was tears and major amounts of empathy, which I thought was great! She then told me that her sister said she wanted to come get her and the boys and help them escape. I was hurt by that because it made me feel like I was a horrible father and person in general. But my wife explained that she said that she would not allow them to come and get her because this situation is her life and she has to work it out. I was proud of my wife for saying that it showed a lot of growth for her. She then told me that she had given her sister permission to tell our brother in law as well. I said fine they will all know anyway. So now her sister and her sister's husband know. They have been texting her to give her much needed support over the last week. Her sister called on Monday and invited her to visit them (a 10 hour drive away) for Easter. As an after thought they said that I could come too if I didn't think it would be too weird. To be fair her sister told my wife that she didn't hate me but that she felt bad for me and knows that this has to be hard. But, it seems they still think I should hide in shame, at least that's how it feels to me. But I have to be fair, my birthday was this week and of all of my wife's family they each wished me a  happy birthday and no one else did so I think maybe I am being a little too sensitive. I don't know I am just feeling like an emotional mess.

I have had a crush on this guy for a few months but I have failed to stop crushing on this guy and as I have gotten to know him more my feelings have deepened and I think it is full on love now. He is not the type I typically crush on and he has no idea how I feel. I keep hiding my feelings in an effort to stop feeling this way. I have never felt this way before, it is scary to me because I feel like he could never feel the same way about me and this just makes me resent my feelings even more. Plus, I am still married, so I don't want to be a cheater. But the biggest issue with this situation is that I realized this is the first time that I have felt real romantic love. I have crushed on guys before but this time is different. I feel drawn to him. I want to be close to him. I want to get to know him as deeply as possible. And I can't seem to shake the way I feel, even though I want these feelings to go away to make my life less complicated. I just want to fall in love and be with someone who loves me fully and who I am compatible with. Will that day ever come???? Will I ever fall in love with someone who will fall in love with me???? What is that like??? Will I be ready for it or is he even out there??? This all leaves me wishing I was straight, Good night, I need to stop writing because this is already a hot mess and I have no desire to read it to make edits. What ever!!!!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Who do you talk to...

Who do you talk to....
When no one is there?
Alone in the dark
Afraid of your heart.

Who do you talk to...
When no one cares?
To one's self I wonder
Trust your inner spite.

Who do you talk to...
When you can't hear
The voices you stifle
That hate your existence?

Who do you talk to...
When that loved one
asks you to leave?
Perhaps the moon?

Who do you talk to...
When you cry yourself to sleep?
Is God in existence?
Does he even care?

Who do you talk to...
When the heavens seem so silent
A Bishop, a Teacher,
or no one at all?

Who do you talk to...
When you decide your path.
A path of distinction
and change from those that proclaim their love

Who do you talk to...
When you are trapped
under the weight of it all?
A friend, A father
or no one at all?

Who do you talk to...
When dreams are gone,
All hope, and joy,

Who do you talk to...
When no one seems to understand
A mother, A sister
or no one at all?

Who do you talk to...
when love enters your heart
A silent love
An unholy love

Who do you talk to...
As life begins to crumble.
A lawyer, A doctor,
or no one at all?

Who do you talk to...
When you doubt your very self
Your path
Your place

Who do you talk to...
When no one can comprehend
My struggles
My pain

Who do you talk to....
Unsure where to confide
In short, I'll settle for me,
a no one at all.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Mindfulness: The Power of Me!!

Last year has been an emotional roller coaster ride and I have had enough!!! I have decided to get off of the roller coaster and gain control of my emotional responses to my situation. I had buried and ignored my emotions for many years so it makes sense that when I initially began to allow myself to feel and experience my emotions they would tend to be a bit overwhelming. But, I had lost all sense of order in my life because I spent far to much time dwelling on regrets and daydreaming about imaginary possibilities. These thoughts have proven to be far to damaging to me emotionally and mentally. I ended hating my life and wishing for something else nearly all my waking hours. The affected my teaching, my relationships, and my education. Over the last two months I truly debated about shutting down again emotionally (after all I know how to function that way and it seems a lot easier) or else accept my reality and begin sorting my emotions by living in the now....the present!

Over the holidays I was blessed to be struck with the flu (influenza...if you haven't had it, it feels like death) and a pretty bad sinus infection. This cut into family time, causing me to miss Christmas Eve activities and most of Christmas day...followed by a short New Years celebration. As I write this I am deaf in my left ear due to a third infection as a result of the flu, a severe ear infection. But all of this gave me some much needed alone time to process how I should proceed. I decided that there is only one thing that will help me to truly enjoy my situation. I have to accept every moment and live in the now. By this I mean that I cannot allow myself to daydream, I cannot allow myself to wallow in my past, both of which only serve to cause me to regret my reality. Due to things beyond my control my situation will not be changing soon, thus, I must accept that and learn from these experiences. Every time I start to think about a what if or a could have been I cut the thought off instantly and instead pose the question: what about my now is causing me to retreat inward to find a different place? I have begin to learn a great deal about myself and have finally began to find a source of peace. Instead of dwelling on what could have been, should have been, or might very will be, I am truly immersing myself in the now. I feel so grounded and have lost the sense of being overwhelmed.

A positive result of this new approach to experiencing life has been an improved financial situation. I am a monetary hoarder. I love to save money and hate to spend it. My wife loves to spend money and has no problem doing so. I wear my shoes until they fall apart on my feet. All of the dress shoes I own have cracks in the bottoms of the soles, but you can't see the damage when I where them so I refuse to replace them, even though with the wet weather my feet always get soaked. I have been this way since I was a child. My mom would give us cash when we went on vacation as a child, I never spent it and even held on to the change when my parents would send me to buy things for them. By the time I was 12 years old I had saved nearly $1,000 in a tin can....when we packed up my room to move my mom saw the can and discovered the cash. That was when I opened my first savings account.

From the first day my wife and I got married I have been the accountant and obsessively watched our bank accounts. It mad me upset when she would just spend without checking the bank account and making sure all bills had been covered. Her spending habits have resulted in a few too many mad dashes to the bank to deposit cash to make sure we avoid fees. (Pause for a brief caveat: She is not frivolous but she has just never been very financially minded she has many other strengths.) This has always frustrated me and I have tried for years to get her involved in our finances.

The old me would just dwell on the regrets and ignore why this frustrated me and would avoid thinking about the now. So this year the day after we got off of the plane after our trip to Idaho, I decided to gently force her to be involved. I set up automatic bill pay for everything. I laid out our entire budget in excel, with a really simplistic break down of everything and then showed her how to use it. I explained all of the auto pays and detailed what I do before I go to the store to buy something, depending on how much I estimate I will spend. She was shocked at how much money we spend each month (rent in NY is not cheap). Besides writing a rent check occasionally, she didn't realize how groceries, electricity, gas, car payment, etc all added up. She committed to follow the budget and even gave a few suggestions on how we could work together to save more money each month so that we can gradually save six months worth of living expenses in savings. (This is for our eventual move to Germany). We didn't discuss our decision three months ago to divorce if we could get to a place we could afford it, we just focused on that moment and really came together to budget in better detail and as a partnership. This eliminated a lot of anxiety for me because I now knew that she understand our financial situation clearly and was on board with the actions we need to take in order to become more financially secure. This also made me feel less trapped in my marriage because it meant that we are both working toward the same financial goals which ultimately will enable us to divorce should we still choose.

So now every time we go some place we pay cash as often as we can and we keep all receipts to perfect our budget.

Another change in my life has been in spiritual realizations. I have been struggling with the very idea of the existence of a God. For too many years I felt ignored, unloved, and betrayed by a God that would make me gay and then abandon me to fend for myself. I felt I couldn't trust God and felt that he was never there for me because far to many prayers were given with fervent heart felt pleading with no sign of relief or peace given. As I suffered through all of the bullying I experienced growing up he was never there, no one ever intervened and I never felt he loved me because I was different and wanted bad things. I grew to resent God and never sought by faith to know he existed. As I lay on my sick bed I finally realized that I used to be so afraid that I would go to hell that I convinced myself that there was but to force a relationship with God and never allow faith into the mix. I knew God existed because he had to so that I wouldn't die and disappear into nothingness. Well, this last month I realized that I needed to be in the now with regards to my faith. I had to accept that all of the hurt I felt growing up meant that for my now experience, I had to allow myself to explore possibility that God does not exist. I have never felt so at peace in my life!! The moment I thought this was amazing. I am not saying I am an atheist, but I have opened myself up to the possibility that I very well might be. I no longer feel the need to prove to myself that God is real. The burden of proof rests on God. If I am to believe he must answer me in a manner that I can relate to as I search to understand or even believe if he exists. I do not have to prove myself correct. In other words I no longer feel the need to force myself to believe. I will be ok if there is no God. Maybe as I live each day for that day I will gradually see God in my life but for right now I am just taking everything a day at a time and trying to learn all I can about myself and not force myself to believe (I did that for too long and it blew up in my face). So in religious terms I describe myself as being agnostic with strong atheist leanings.

These two developments have brought me a great amount of peace and contentedness that I have been longing for most of my life. Beside the fact that my ear is killing me and I am deaf for the time being, I am sitting here with a huge smile on my face because of the peace I feel. I am gay, married to a woman, the father of two beautiful boys, a non-believing active mormon, a temporarily deaf opera singer and music teacher, and I am an Agnostic!

I conveyed all of this to my therapist for our first session together after two months off and she explained to me that I had been using mindfulness techniques and they seemed to be helping me a lot because I seemed less anxious, depressed, and all together more grounded. Needless to say I walked out of her office feeling good but ultimately proud that I had been able to set my own course and arrive at this place using my intuition and needs to reach such a balanced place emotionally. I sum up mindfulness as being the power of me!!!

PS It has now been over a year since I came out to my wife and though our relationship is dicey, I now can say I feel that I am in a better place personally.