I have been relatively silent compared to my typical blogging behavior and feel I need to explain. Since coming out to my wife I promised myself that I would be completely honest with her about everything. I have lived up to that promise but it has made saving our marriage much more difficult in some ways. Over the last week my wife and I have been in a very difficult place, fortunately everything came to a head on Saturday night (true to form we had a long and emotionally charged discussion in the middle of the night).
This semester has been hectic and has demanded that I miss a lot of class and cancel my students lessons. A few weeks ago I decided that I would schedule lessons on Saturday April 6, I did this on purpose. I had no desire to listen to conference and was glad I had a reason to miss two of the three sessions that day. I got home from teaching and didn't want to go to the Priesthood session but out of respect for my wife I went. Since my mission I have struggled with believing in the church. I had some bad experiences on my mission that left my testimony weakened to say the least. My coming to terms with being gay pushed me over the edge and I have decided I no longer believe in the church. A few weeks ago I expressed some concern about my testimony when I was having a conversation with my wife. She said she need time to process this and that we would talk again. Well two weeks later and I am ready to walk away from the church. My reasons are personal so they will not be shared here but I did share them with my wife.
She has been very depressed all day today and says she doesn't know what to do with this information. I told her I understand why she feels this way and that I would allow her time to figure out what she wants to do.
In the course of our conversation it became clear to me that the main reason we thought we wanted to save our marriage was because of our testimonies about the plan of salvation. For me this is no longer a consideration as I do not feel that I personally fit in that plan as I am gay and feel that this is not a temporary condition but one that will continue. She said she understand why I feel this way....I think she is starting to grasp that this is not a condition that will be removed through "faithful" living, at least not from where I stand.
Sunday I slept the majority of the conference sessions but was amazed when my wife said she would understand if I didn't want to listen to conference with her. I said I would just to spend time with her and to maintain a sense of consistency for our son.
On Sunday night we continued our conversation after finding out that the parents of my wife's good friend are getting divorced. This got us discussing where we stand and how we were going to proceed. I detailed my feelings for her about how being gay meant that I would always be gay and that I did not see an end to this part of myself. I told her my fear is that I will become more bitter and angry if I try and suppress this part of myself, like I did prior to coming out to her. I admitted that I had very little hope that saving our marriage would bring us happiness because I can't see myself happy continuing on the path we are on. I asked her if she would even consider me husband material after all of my confessions, (some of which I just mentioned). She stated that no, I would not make the cut because I am a very different person now than the man she married. I agreed with her.
In the course of our conversation it came out that she doesn't trust me. I feel I must explain this. I have been involved in pornography and masturbation, which I have confessed to her and our bishop three almost four months ago after I came out to her. I have gained self control and have been honest with her about all of it. I have NEVER had another relationship with anyone since I got married. Besides my viewing pornography I have never cheated on my wife, I realize this is still horrible but I have never sought relationships with men. Sure I am attracted to a lot of guys but I have never reached out to anyone. In order to keep myself clear of temptation I have even kept myself from developing friendships with anyone other than those couples my wife chooses. My response to her lack of trust surprised her. I was discouraged and let her know that I don't see a reason for us to try to save our marriage if there is no trust. She said she would work on gaining trust in me again. I feel so frustrated. I just want this all to end. I feel like I have a gaping wound and every time it starts to heal the wound tears open even bigger. By the end of our conversation I basically had told her that I just don't see a happy way to continue our marriage and that I felt maybe we should consider other options (hinting at divorce). I couldn't bring myself to say the words I know I need to: "I want a divorce." I can't say them because I know it will deeply hurt my wife, but then I keep thinking if I feel like I have a wound that keeps growing wouldn't she be feeling the same way????
I usually try to make my posts flow and feel organized but tonight I am just to emotionally and physically exhausted to edit and refine this post (maybe later). I don't know how much more I can take of this emotional rollercoaster. I just had to get some of these thoughts off my mind so that I can focus on all of the final projects I need to do tonight.
The only question resounding in my head now is: What do I do now? Hopefully a good nights rest will bring come clarity and further insight.