Well, I am happy to report that my wife and I had a thorough conversation last night about many things including the questions I discussed in my previous post. I have to commend my wife for being such a wonderful person. We are feeling many of the same things about our marriage right now and she is so patient and understanding about my feelings. I feel like this conversation has deepened our respect for one another and given us a solid foundation to either save our marriage or end it.
The core of our discussion centered on what I now believe and what I struggle with in regards to the church. I don't need to go into the details but needless to say I basically told her that I am no longer a 100% committed member because of my personal experience. I asked her is she could accept that and she said that it worries her but she understands why I feel the way that I do. She also admitted that the things we discussed are things she needs to process to determine where she stands as well.
The hardest question to ask her was if she thought I was being selfish in considering divorce as an option. She quickly responded no and said that through the course of the last few months she has never felt I have been selfish in how I have approached our marriage. She also admitted that there are many days where she considers divorce. I asked her if the thought of divorce gave her peace, and she said that in many ways it does. She says that divorce scares her because of all of the logistics and how it will change our son's life but most of all she says she worries about what would happen to me if we got divorced. I was touched by this and don't feel the need to share all that we discussed around this comment but needless to say it gave me great insight into my wife's soul and hope for our continued relationship (married or not).
We talked about our relationship and compared it to her brothers relationship with his wife (we just got back from visiting them). She acknowledged that she feels our relationship is forced and sometimes awkward while theirs seemed so natural and effortless. We both acknowledged how this made us feel jealous. She asked a hard hitting question: "How do you love me?" I didn't want to go first so I asked her a dodging question that reflected back on her. She stated that she doesn't think she is in love with me but that she does love me and cares for me. I said that I felt exactly the same way. She seemed relieved to at my answer.
She cried a little through out conversation mostly when she talked about how worried she would be for me if we got divorced and when she admitted she wasn't in love with me, but on the whole I felt like we had probably the best conversation we have ever had in almost 8 years of marriage. (We both learned a lot about each other through this conversation).
The final portion of our conversation centered on what we wanted to do about our marriage. I told her that I felt I was unsure because, to me, if I stay in our marriage I feel like I am furthering the denial of my homosexuality and becoming a "poster child" for the mixed-orientation marriage approach too common in the church (this is my opinion and in no way means that I think it should never happen this is just what staying in our marriage makes me feel). I told her I felt like I could be a source for change and a voice/example for gay rights if we gt divorced. She acknowledged that she could see me in that way as well. I told her that I cannot commit anymore than I have at this point because I have too many years of repression, anger, resentment, and confusion to sort through. She said she understood why I feel that way and that she is willing to work through it all with me. We determined that perhaps in praying to strengthen our efforts to save our marriage we are preventing ourselves from understanding if we should stay married. We decided to pray to find out if we should stay married or if we should divorce.
In true fashion of our conversations this left us with little sleep for the next day but I think both of us found a new sense of peace by exploring these questions. This conversation did not yield any definitive answers but it has helped us to get on the same page as one another so that neither of us feel like the "bad" one exploring the possibility of divorce and what life would mean for us as friends rather than as a couple.
This conversation has truly brightened my day and has put me in a good place for my upcoming audition this Saturday. I am excited to sing for people and I am excited that my wife and son are going with me so we can have another vacation to become more familiar with one another. Life is good even though it is a bit messy right now.