Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Why me?

In the course of coming to terms with my being gay I have wondered many times.... why me? So it came as no surprise to me when my wife turned to me the other day and said "why us? What are we supposed to learn from all of this (referencing my being gay)?" My quick response was: I don't know and I don't know if I will ever know why. Her question brought the "why me" front and center for me again and I have been trying to construct my ideas around this question for several days.

Today I have finally had a little time to reflect on the why behind my being gay. Not that I have reached a definitive answer as to why I am gay, but I did get an affirmation that has put my mind at ease. I was sitting in a classroom waiting for my next student and it hit me that personal "why me" could have two answers. It may mean that I have the strength to endure and find peace and joy in my marriage or it may mean that I have the strength to acknowledge who I am and choose to live in complete honesty. Both options have value to me and as I sat there thinking about this I realized that it would be ok if I chose either option. I no longer feel trapped or as if I must choice one or the other. I now feel that I get to decide how my life will unfold. This quiet affirmation has brought me an even deeper sense of unity with my inner self. I don't feel as though I am being ripped apart but rather I feel as though I now get to choose how to sustain and nurture who I am by choosing the path of life I will find most fulfilling. I think before this realization I spent too much to cursing God and trying to define why I was gay when in fact I do not need to have a why but rather a how should I move forward.

My focus is no longer on the why me and I realize it doesn't have to be. The fact of the matter is that I am alive and have the opportunity to choose for myself the paths that will enhance my personal journey through life. This does not mean that I will not struggle but it means that I have control. I do not have to be a passive drone marching through life to the beat of someone else's drum. I set my own beat and can march as I please. For too long I have contorted myself to do as others have planned for me, and now I have decided that I am no longer beholden to anyone's idea of life other than my own. This means I have to reconcile any differences with my wife and determine how we should proceed, but by acknowledging that I am the master of my destiny I no longer feel the strong need to understand the "why me".  I get to live and enjoy the journey, I am trying to figure out how my life will unfold. I can now enjoy the "what next" rather than the "why."

1 comment:

  1. I'm happy for you. It is not healthy to live as a passive drone, as you put it. I see people who mindlessly follow, and others who petulantly rebel, and both are letting others make choices for them. What bothers me the most is when rebels claim that anyone who chooses to follow is a passive drone, or when those who follow claim anyone who rebels is childishly petulant. It is possible to actively choose to follow and thoughtfully deliberately rebel, possible but difficult. It's easier to mindlessly follow or petulantly rebel.