It seems that any time I have massive amounts of homework all I can think of is writing my next post. I have been in a very introspective mood today and have had a few thoughts that I have to explore.
First, there has been a major shift in my personal sense of self over the last week. I realized today that what used to be a sense of emptiness and darkness within myself has lifted, it happened without my noticing and I realized as I was working out this morning that I have found a sense of peace and comfort that I never knew was possible. My entire life my being gay was an obstacle standing in the way of personal acceptance and peace. I cannot remember a time in my life where I didn't feel this emptiness/darkness, because of my hidden secret, but today as I sit and think about who I am I feel a strong sense of peace and acceptance. I haven't figured out everything for myself but I finally feel like I matter and I deserve peace and happiness.
A single thought has begun to simmer in my mind during this same time. If I have found peace in accepting myself as a gay man could I find happiness through living the lifestyle I am drawn to. By "lifestyle" I mean a committed gay relationship where I am married to a man and creating a life for ourselves. I used to think that my being gay just meant that I was attracted to men. But I have come to realize that it is much more than that. By analyzing my marriage with my wife we have come to realize that my being gay has affected every aspect of our interactions together. My attraction to men is deeply ingrained in all aspects of my personality. I have come to realize that for me, in every aspect of my relationship with my wife I have some sort of emotional block because of my attraction to men. I consider my wife to be a friend but don't feel she is my partner. Even she has acknowledged that our interactions as a couple seem more like friends who share a bed rather than a couple in love. We sometimes joke that we are really good roommates but an awkward couple.
I have begun to assess what is keeping me from fully committing myself to divorce since I have been analyzing what has been keeping me from committing fully to my marriage I decided I need to turn the coin over and do some analyses. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that the idea of getting a divorce and moving on with my life gives me a sense of peace in many ways. Yet there are a few things that keep me from accepting divorce as the answer. 1- I will miss he daily contact with my son as my wife would move back to Idaho and I would be in New York. I love my son completely and him being absent from my life makes me extremely sorrowful. 2- I am very concerned with how my family and friends would react to our divorcing, especially when they find out that I am gay. 3- I am afraid of being single and alone. I do not consider myself very outgoing so I am afraid that I would forever be alone which would be far worse than my current situation. These three things are what keep me from requesting a divorce. What makes me feel horrible about this list of concerns is that losing my wife isn't on the list. I would be sad if our relationship went south and we were unable to be friends, but I would not miss our marriage (at least I feel this way standing in the middle of the situation). I feel like our marriage is so much work. It doesn't feel motivated by the type of love that should sustain a marriage. I worry about what would happen to her if we divorced, though I know she would find someone and move on.
The initial thought is that of all these concerns #1 is the crucial concern because it concerns my son. The other two have to do with personal insecurity and should not be reasons for stopping yourself from pursuing a course of action. But I have said before that I will not stay in a rough marriage just for my son because my parents marriage was horrible and they stayed in it just for me and my sister. My experience dictates that this isn't something I can recommend for myself now.
Funny how you can have a sense of peace with a whirlwind of concerns swimming around in your head. I am growing accustomed to the juxtaposition of peace and concern though because it seems to be the center of my daily experience.
So what do I do? Have I considered all that I should? Maybe tomorrow I'll have some more ideas.