My post tonight is coming from a very different place for me. For the first time I feel calm and centered. I have been thinking a great deal about the current debate centered on gay marriage. I am very much in support of gay marriage but this is not what has been humming around in my mind. I made a major realization for myself.
I have mentioned before that had my parents and the world in general been more understanding of gay people I probably would have chosen a different life path. As I have been following the political discourse surrounding gay marriage I realized that by staying married I am in fact continuing the cycle that I have felt kept me from accepting myself fully. It dawned on me that this could be the main reason I have struggled to commit to stay married. I feel that by continuing my marriage I am continuing a lie that was told to me when I was young and impressionable. I was told that marriage was the answer to everything, that if I prayed hard enough, served diligently enough, and had self-control, I would marry and life would be wonderful. I can guarantee you that this was not the case for me.
I have come to understand that for me personally I want to be an advocate for change, a force for equality and freedom. I want to stand on top of the rooftops and shout that being gay is acceptable and for me preferable. I want to be politically involved, I don't want to silently rejoice when gay rights are moved forward, I want to be part of the process. I want to reduce the pain for teens and young adults unsure of what their sexuality means for them. I want to provide help for the suffering teens in Utah forsaken by their families and abandoned by their government. I have discussed these desires with my wife and she says she understands why I feel this way but anytime she sees me watching news reports centered on gay marriage she quickly suggests I change the channel. I think, based on some things she has said, she thinks if I avoid all things gay I will be able to "overcome" my gayness and we can be a normal couple. I don't want to hide who I am any more and I don't want to be a mute observer of the changes happening within our society. So what do I do?
As I see it I have two legitimate options: 1- I stay married and become more vocal about who I am and what I stand for, convincing my wife to be more open and to help her understand that being an advocate doesn't have to mean that I embrace a different life path. 2- I end my marriage, move forward in a new life as a gay man, and pursue my dreams to be a gay rights activist/advocate. I have to be honest, I think I prefer #2 because it allows me the freedom to truly live and advocate what I believe in, I don't have to justify a hetero appearance with the homosexual within. I would get to be what I feel would be authentic.
I can't shake the passion I feel about standing up for equality. I want to be a source of goodness in this world and feel like a fake as a married gay Mormon. I still have not decided about my marriage but with these strong desires to be a gay rights advocate I don't see how I can justify/sustain a mixed orientation marriage. Anyone got any suggestions?