Friday, March 29, 2013


My post tonight is coming from a very different place for me. For the first time I feel calm and centered. I have been thinking a great deal about the current debate centered on gay marriage. I am very much in support of gay marriage but this is not what has been humming around in my mind. I made a major realization for myself.

I have mentioned before that had my parents and the world in general been more understanding of gay people I probably would have chosen a different life path. As I have been following the political discourse surrounding gay marriage I realized that by staying married I am in fact continuing the cycle that I have felt kept me from accepting myself fully. It dawned on me that this could be the main reason I have struggled to commit to stay married. I feel that by continuing my marriage I am continuing a lie that was told to me when I was young and impressionable. I was told that marriage was the answer to everything, that if I prayed hard enough, served diligently enough, and had self-control, I would marry and life would be wonderful. I can guarantee you that this was not the case for me.

I have come to understand that for me personally I want to be an advocate for change, a force for equality and freedom. I want to stand on top of the rooftops and shout that being gay is acceptable and for me preferable. I want to be politically involved, I don't want to silently rejoice when gay rights are moved forward, I want to be part of the process. I want to reduce the pain for teens and young adults unsure of what their sexuality means for them. I want to provide help for the suffering teens in Utah forsaken by their families and abandoned by their government. I have discussed these desires with my wife and she says she understands why I feel this way but anytime she sees me watching news reports centered on gay marriage she quickly suggests I change the channel. I think, based on some things she has said, she thinks if I avoid all things gay I will be able to "overcome" my gayness and we can be a normal couple. I don't want to hide who I am any more and I don't want to be a mute observer of the changes happening within our society. So what do I do?

As I see it I have two legitimate options: 1- I stay married and become more vocal about who I am and what I stand for, convincing my wife to be more open and to help her understand that being an advocate doesn't have to mean that I embrace a different life path. 2- I end my marriage, move forward in a new life as a gay man, and pursue my dreams to be a gay rights activist/advocate. I have to be honest, I think I prefer #2 because it allows me the freedom to truly live and advocate what I believe in, I don't have to justify a hetero appearance with the homosexual within. I would get to be what I feel would be authentic.

I can't shake the passion I feel about standing up for equality. I want to be a source of goodness in this world and feel like a fake as a married gay Mormon. I still have not decided about my marriage but with these strong desires to be a gay rights advocate I don't see how I can justify/sustain a mixed orientation marriage. Anyone got any suggestions?


  1. You ask tough questions. Especially when there is a family involved. I am sorry- I do not know if you have children? They, of course, could further complicate the matter.

    I have been in your position, of being married to the opposite sex. Within just a short time, I knew that, as a gay woman, I could not stay in the marriage. If I did, I was going to blow my head off, and I rather liked living. So, I left the marriage. That has been one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

    I know that when one marries, other people get instantly involved and pulled into ensuing problems. I am happy for those who can remain in MOMs and make them work, are happy and can live that way. For me, I could not do it and only did it because I felt the pressures of family and church TO do it. I would never have chosen being opposite-sex married for myself. Looking back, I wish I had been bold enough to have never married him. But, I could not erase what had been done, so I had to do the next best thing and leave the marriage.

    I feel for you in your situation. Ultimately, you will have to do what is best for you. Yes, it may mean leaving your marriage. Yes, it may mean your wife being hurt. It may also mean having done the best thing for the two of you. If you love her, and want to remain married, do it. If staying is going to kill you, leave.

    I am pretty sure I have not helped here- sorry about that. Those are my opinions and experiences. I am pulling for you in whatever you choose.

    Happy night. Duck

  2. Best wishes to you and your wife on some very important decisions. It takes a whole lot of hard work whether you remain together or if you divorce. Neither path is easy, especially if you have children.

    I write from the perspective of someone who did not realize I was gay until counseling after my separation and divorce. My former wife initiated the separation. I inititated the divorce before the gay realization. We had one son who was legally an adult. As a college freshman, though, we were supporting him.

    We separated and let the emotions settle a few months before starting the negotiations for our separation agreement and property settlement. We respected each other enough by that point to resolve the terms of our divorce and property settlement on our own. The legal documents were prepared by our attorneys.

    We did not put our son in the middle of our discussions or settlement. The two of us needed to temporarily cut back on our lifestyles. We were able to maintain our son at his previous financial and lifestyle, which was an important consideration for both of us.

    My attorney advised me to not begin dating until after all of the legalities were resolved. That was excellent advice.

    I met and dated one man several months after the resolution of our legal agreements. It was a short relationship that he broke off. That hurt me deeply. I decided to stay in the closet, not date, and be celibate.

    That was my plan and how I lived for over ten years until I had a strong unexpected (and at the time unwelcomed) premonition that I should come out, resign from the church, and have a gay partner. I became a quiet actvist working on the logistics of the Mormon Pride Parade contingents last spring and summer. I came out in cycles, first to close family and friends and then to others.

    It took a while to meet someone who I was interested in dating. Fortunately, I found someone and it has been wonderful. We have dated four months, do not live together, but have committed to be faithful to each other. We are continuing to get to know each other.

    I was supportive of my former wife's remarriage which occurred some years ago. She has been supportive of my gay relationship. There were times of intense pain and sorrow for both of us, but things appear to have worked out well for both of us and our son.

    Each person's experience is unique. I am not trying to say that my experience is what you should do. I am sharing this excerpt of my story since the stories of other people were helpful to me. Again, best wishes to you and your wife on some very difficult decisions.