Monday, August 5, 2013


I finished my last summer class last Friday and I feel no sense of release, but rather, I feel a sense of loneliness. I am so alone right now....and the problem is I am not alone. my being alone stems from my lack of emotional connection to my wife. I have come to realize how disconnected I feel from my wife now that I have created relationships with others built entirely on the true/real me and I know now that I don't have that with my wife. i have tried to open up to her about how I feel but she just gets upset because my feelings toward the church differ from hers a great deal right now. I have tried to help her see my side but she just rights it off as anti-mormon BS and avoids talking about it further. She acts as if I have no reason to consider my personal experience about being gay. I feel like she wants me to just accept the churches stance and disregard anything that I feel. I feel so rejected by her that I have completely shut down again. It feels as if we are roommates who share parenting responsibilities.

I have discovered how wonderful it is for me to be out and open about my being gay and what I feel and now that I am back home, that freedom is completely gone. I can't handle sliding back into the closet it makes the loneliness increase and makes me feel trapped and smothered. I don't know what to do. I have shut down so completely that I have even given up on fights. She gets angry with me and says what's upsetting her and my response is, "add it to the list of things, it doesn't matter what I do any way you can't stand me so just add it to the list." I don't know what to do. I just want the loneliness to go away. Last week when I was in class and around a lot of people it was manageable, but over the weekend it kept deepening until I just can't stand it anymore. I long to be back in Salt Lake with all of my new friends. But I realize that that will not happen and even if we were all there again it wouldn't be exactly the same. I just need an authentic life, one where I am accepted and respected for who I am and what I believe. I wish I knew how to help my wife understand how I am feeling now. I don't know what to do. But knowing myself I will just bury these thoughts and feelings and it will all blow over in a few days. Maybe then I can look back with some perspective and figure out how to help my wife see my side of things.

Anyway, I have a lot of studying to do for a final doctoral exam so I guess I will bury myself in my preparations for the next 7 months and hope that will distract me enough so that I can function.


  1. I am sincerely sorry that things are so tough for you right now. I admire the strength you have to live in your situation and endure. (As a gay woman married to a man, I lasted about a second before I realized that I could not, would not, live that way, and left or else I would have died.) I have probably shared that before with you- sorry to repeat myself, but it is true.

    I am sending all the good energy I have to you this morning. I hope you feel it and that it can help you, in some small way, to continue on.

    And, best of luck with your studies for your Doctoral Exam. Music, right? I admire you for getting this degree- TONS of hard work and time!!

    Happy day, Duck

    1. Duck,

      Thanks for your support it means a lot. The good energy has arrived it just took a while but feeling much better now.

      Yea its Music, though right now I wish it was something else.

      I loved your tootsie roll brightened my day.


  2. Wow, I'm sorry you're having it so rough. Hang in there, sending you and your family good thoughts.

    1. The clouds have lifted and life has improved for now. Thank you for your are a good friend.

  3. I am so glad that things are a bit better for you!! And, I am so glad that you liked the tootsie roll post. :) It was such a silly post. But, hey, that is so me and a part of my day, so I posted it. :)

    Continued great luck with your doctoral exams!! You will do awesome. :)

    And, sending love for you and your family. I know that times have been rough for each of you, in your own way. I hope you feel loved by many. :)

    Happy day!

  4. Wow Drew, you've got a lot going on in your life! I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you and your wife lately.

    I know what you're going through isn't easy at all. I came out to my wife a year ago and it has been a rough road. Most days things are fine now, but some days they aren't and it's hell.

    I hope you know you're not alone in this- there are actually many of us out there dealing with these issues- being gay, married, and Mormon. I understand what it's like to have my feelings disregarded. I understand the feeling of being torn in two, the loneliness, and it's not fun. So with that, you're in my prayers- if you ever need to talk, feel free to shoot me an email too.

    Hang in there!