Tuesday, March 29, 2016

What I miss....and other ramblings

Well, it has been nearly two years since my last post. There was a time when this blog meant the world to me. It was a way for me to express myself at a time when I felt I had no where to turn. I am sitting in a friends living room in Utah it is nearly midnight and I cannot sleep. My life has spun out of control in many ways and I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude for what has transpired and less frequently filled with mourning for the parts of my old life that I miss.

In order for me to move forward I need to express the things that I miss,  but first, an update.

So, as of February 29, 2016 my wife and I are officially divorced. I moved out in August of 2015 initially taking a adjunct position at a university in Idaho, with the plan that the family would move to Idaho once I secured a full-time position. The position never materialized and I was fired for being gay, God bless Idaho, due to being outed by my then in-laws to the university president who happened to be their best friend. I left the church shortly there after. My whole life I dedicated myself to the church and when I needed it the most It tossed me out and treated me like I had no value. I came out to my parents and sister/brother-in-law. My dad and brother-in-law took it well and initially were very supportive. My sister and mom made my life a living hell. I haven't spoken to my sister since December 2014 and my mom since November 2015 (thank you policy change). I was officially terminated from my job at the Idaho university December 2014. Since the policy change my dad and brother-in-law have become more unbearable as all they can do is push the church on me. I have not asked any of my family to fight the church nor have I demanded that they have to change their beliefs on the whole gay issue, but they cannot even empathize and accept me for who I am. So, I have had to cut ties almost completely. The only time I speak to my dad is when he randomly shows up at my house (I live next door to my grandma so he comes by once and a while).  I now teach at a university in Utah, but have since decided that a career in music is not meant to be, so after this semester I will be returning to New York to pursue my MBA with an emphasis in Marketing/Brand management. I have developed a few meaningful friendships and cannot express how thankful I am that they came into my life.

I have been through the darkest moments of my life over the course of the last two years. I have been abandoned by my family (except for my grandma and a few distant cousins), I was abandoned by the church I dedicated my life to just for identifying as gay (having not been with a guy until I was fired and outed to church members by my ex-in-laws and decided divorce was sure). I have cried many nights due to loneliness because I miss my two beautiful boys. Suicide was a constant plot, stopped only by the fact that my children would have no means of support. There were times when I didn't get out of bed for five or six days. But gradually I began to heal. I started to process what it meant to be me. I have been working through my faith transition and my new single life. There are still painful days when I mourn what I had planned for my life to be as a straight mormon husband and father. I have gone back to New York frequently to visit my children. My ex-wife and I are still close and I consider her to be my best friend.

The list of what I miss:
1. My boys....I miss being a 24 hrs/day 7 days a week dad. Skype and phone calls are great but not the same. I loved being a dad and miss being close to my boys. I want to be there when they fall and get hurt, when they have exciting news to share and can barely talk because of excitment, and I want to be their to help them grow into men.
2. I miss the companionship of my ex-wife and our boys. I now live alone and there are many days where I am the only one in my home and I have no one to visit. Loneliness is perhaps the worst part of my current existence. I live in a rural place with no real gay community and very few friends. I have had to come to terms with myself all alone without distractions, which I hope is a positive thing but going through it has been hell. I worry constantly that I will never find someone to spend my life with and in the end I will grow old and die alone. I have never really dated or put myself out their so I have no idea how to do this so moving forward is difficult
3. Family...My parents, sister, cousins, and grandparents all only want me in their life if I meet their conditions. I feel like an outcast...one of the unwanted ones because the people I have always been so close to have turned their backs on me. For the first time in my life I have been alone on holidays without any family to be with. I thought I had been taught that family mattered most but I guess for my family that only applies if they do what the church says.
4. Church...the church gave me a sense of purpose and direction. I miss the ease of church doctrine telling me my life plan. I have to design and implement my own road map now and boy is that scary but in some ways exciting.

These are just a few of the things that I miss, perhaps the core of what I miss. Would I change how my life has unfolded? I don't think so...because I am now living authentically and openly. Yes there have been challenges and so much pain that just thinking about it makes me cry, but there has also been immense joy as I discover who I am and what I want out of life.

My journey is now my own and I am on a path for true acceptance.