Monday, October 21, 2013

The Sh@* in the Middle

I had my fourth session with my therapist and it was amazing!!! I love her to death because she doesn't let me just bury my feelings ( a defense mechanism I have perfected throughout my life). She has said to me a few times that she keeps sense a feeling of ambivalence on my part to 1) come out to my family, 2) move forward with the divorce, 3) fully accept myself as a gay man, and 4) allow my emotions to factor into my life. We boiled this down to be a major control issue. I will have to allow myself to open up and explore options and then I will have to work in a certain direction in order for there to be any change and that is's not easy. I realized that I want to  be on the outcome side of everything, the side where everyone knows I'm gay and I have accepted myself fully, have a relationship with a man, and allow myself to feel all my emotions. What I don't want is all the SHIT in the middle that requires the work. I want a short cut to the outcome, one that will make everything easy....and guess what that won't happen. This is the part where you say well no shit Sherlock! But I stayed ambivalent because then I have control I don't have to step into the unknown and wade through shit to get where I want to be, but instead of moving in a direction I stay stagnant where I don't want to be, it's a vicious cycle. It's a lovely catch 22 but at least now I realize why I keep vacillating as to what I want in life. I want the easiest path and really there isn't one, all directions take work and I have to relinquish control.

Each session with her goes by like it is 20 seconds not 55 minutes. But we made the best use of our time today. It has been hard for me to hear her say a few things. 1) I don't like it when she refers to me as gay...weird considering I refer to myself as gay all the time. I think it has to do with being bullied when I was younger and hearing others call me gay was not a positive experience. 2) I didn't respond well when she said that I was the child and my parents had a responsibility to create an environment where I felt safe telling them I am gay. She really has helped me to see that they hold a part in my deception in not telling them and fear of telling them. I immediately went to their defense but then as I allowed it to sink in, I realized the truth in what she was saying. I am a parent now and though my boys are very young I can see how important it is to foster a relationship that allows them to feel safe telling me anything. I needed that from my parents and I never got it and still don't feel that I have it from them. I want to know why my being gay was just buried and ignored. I never told them but lets face it I gave off a pretty strong gay vibe when I was young....and my dad even discussed it with me once but he was so forceful about how wrong it is to be gay I just denied everything and agreed with him. I know my parents know but I am upset that they never asked me about my feelings and tried to understand or at least fostered an environment where I could feel safe telling them I am gay.

The nifty little gay box has been ripped open and a shitload of emotion is pouring out...and I like sucks in the moment but I am starting to feel the weight of everything being lifted off of my chest. I feel like I can breath and be happy. Something I realize I haven't felt since high school. This is not going to be an easy journey but I know it will be worth it, no matter what I chose to do or how I chose to proceed. I just better get my wading boots on and grab a shovel because I have a ton of shit in my way and I have to get through it!!!!

Here are two little ditties I am in love with right now...I just connect with the lyrics of both a lot right now.

Hopefully this all made sense if not I hope you at least enjoyed the songs. I have to head to the gym....weight to lose and so little time left in the day. I wish I could go clubbing instead...I need to dance!

1 comment:

  1. That first paragraph... whew, I am the exact same way.

    Glad things are going well!