Well I can safely say that my personal crisis has been extinguished. It took 24 hours in bed with far too many episodes of Raising Hope but I marched my way out of the abyss that sucked me into such a dark place. I feel I must say that I am a stronger and better person having plunged to my personal rock bottom.
Since coming out to my wife in January my life has been filled with a lot of sorrow as I have searched to understand who I am. My rejection in my professional realm was similar to a 9.0 earthquake, no buildings were left standing, emotionally speaking I had my confidence completely destroyed. Throughout this whole process of coming out and even the dark days in the closet the only source of confidence I had that was real was my talent. This rejection was the final straw that had to break in order for me to truly dive inward. As I was sobbing in bed repeating to myself how worthless I am, I suddenly heard in my mind YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS....YOU ARE VALUED! I instantly stopped sobbing and no longer felt overwhelmed with sorrow or self-pity. I decided if I wanted to be a famous operatic tenor then I will just stand up on my own two feet and make it happen. I don't need the approval of one individual or organization to make that happen. I realized I had, for too long, bundled all of my sense of self worth into my abilities as a singer and this is very dangerous. I am worth more than how beautiful my voice is and I need to find value in all aspects of myself.
I got out of bed at midnight and marched to my computer and quickly typed a note to the director of the program and cordially thanked them for their consideration and all that I had learned from my past participation. I also asked if they had any recommendations as to what I could have done better to be more strongly considered to continue with them. They have yet to respond (and I highly doubt that they will) but I no longer feel weighed down by their decision. I took control the only way I can in this situation and asked for them to own their decision. I consider the matter closed and have already begun to plan my next move. I'm not sure I really want to sing professionally anymore but I know feel that I have the proper approach to be successful without being so overly invested in my career.
The next thing I realized after I had sent that email was that there is a major need for a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) support group. And people, LDS and non, need to understand how complex this type of relationship is and how much denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual. I pictured a website with a Q&A type format that will provide insight into these types of relationships. I picture support groups for those in these marriages and those that are transitioning out of them. What I realized as I thought about this was that I am not a thorough enough person to attempt this on my own. It then hit me that I am not alone, I have the whole moho blogoshpere. So I need everyones help.
I need questions.....
Send me any questions you may have about what it is like being gay and married to a woman. Anything at all. I want to use your questions to give a more detailed look inside my marriage and my situation. If you are in an MOM and would be willing to answer the questions I gather I would love that too, just let me know. I want this to be about many peoples experiences not just mine. Having multiple view points will give people more opportunity to get an authentic look at the dynamics of these types of marriages. If you were in an MOM and are no longer I would love your input as well.
This is not about picking a side in the debate on staying mormon or not it is about truth and understanding. And helping others to grasp the challenges and joys of being in an MOM.
In attending the Affirmation conference I felt that there were great strides being made in helping people understand what it means to be LGBT and mormon but I never felt that there was an attempt to understand what it means to be gay and in an MOM, which could be helpful for those who are considering entering into a MOM. I love Affirmation and support what they are doing, I just feel that this could be an additional way to save people from increase understanding.
In short I need your help. I need you to contact friends and family and get them to send me questions. I need your questions. I want people to understand better what it means to be in a MOM so that the advice I still here some giving to "just get married to the opposite gender", despite what the church says, will not be so flippantly given. My wife is a wonderful person and we are learning a lot about each other and about ourselves as individuals through this process but we both wish I would have made other choices so that we could have avoided a lot of sadness.
My biggest fear is that people will not send me questions so please help me out....no question is stupid and it will not be ignored. I will even send a personal response before I post the final document so you will get an in-depth answer to your question.
Please either comment below or feel free to email me at heldentenor82@gmail.com
* Fingers crossed and hoping that I will at least get a few questions...if not I can learn an additional opera role instead I guess. :)
SO happy to see you're feeling better, Drew. (Raising Hope is a great, underrated show.) Way to take charge of a way you can help others. I have personally gone through something that was very difficult, and I found that there was no support on the Internet. So, I started something to offer that support, and over a year later... it proved a very cathartic opportunity for me, and I've had many thank me for providing a space for people like us. (This is not Moho related at all.) I don't think I'm writing very clearly, but I'm just trying to say that I really think what you're doing will prove to be a powerfully helpful thing for you, and could be very helpful to others, too.
ReplyDeleteAs far as questions, I immediately feel like the information that I would have needed when I considered that I may still try to suppress my SSA and get married was, what would that do to me? You said "denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual," why do you say that? (I think I know the answer to a degree, but I think this is a fundamental question for your Q&As, nonetheless.
Wish you well, Drew. You're a stand-up guy.