Sunday, April 14, 2013

Plan of Happiness????

When I finally admitted to my wife that I was gay our initial approach to our situation was that we could "overcome" this "temptation." I remember my first meeting with our bishop. I told him that I loved my family more than some "temptation" I realize now that I was so na├»ve about what my being gay was going to mean for me personally.

My beliefs have changed drastically since I initially came out to my wife. I now believe that my being gay is a part of my personal plan of happiness. This is a part of who I am and it is not something that will change or go away. I do not believe that this part of myself will disappear when I die, I do not hold out for some magical transformation. I believe that God made me how I am and that he accepts every part of me, including the gay part. When the reassuring confirmation came letting me know that I was accepted by God I struggled to accept the answer I was receiving. But eventually peace settled within me and I accepted what I was being told. I just kept wondering how I could be receiving this answer? This had to be wrong. No one was supposed to be gay. I have never felt such overwhelming peace in my life and I finally realized that this part of myself was meant to be and was natural. Many point to the rest of the animal kingdom to support this notion citing the more than 1500 species that have homosexual interactions/pairings to support their claims. While I find this fact reassuring the peace I felt gave me more in terms of support than science can right now.

My personal acceptance of being gay has made me take a long hard look at where I fit within the plan of salvation ( and for that matter the church as a whole). The reality of my personal experience with being gay does not mesh with what I heard growing up within the church. This is what happens when dogma collides with personal experience. I am trying to decide how I should proceed. Do I pretend that my personal inspiration and experience do not matter and are false or do I assess what the church has said and reject that which conflicts with my reality. Recently the plan of "happiness" has weighed heavily on my mind. I have had to assess where I fit within this plan. Initially I feel like there is no place for me within the plan as I understand it. I cannot accept an eternity married to a woman. I am struggling to survive the here and now being married to a woman. I do not feel like being married to a woman would be  a source of happiness for me. Right now I do not see my marriage as a source of happiness and my wife agrees with me. We have fallen into a cycle, we have a huge fight, a solid discussion, and then a few days of relative happiness; which in my mind only seems like happiness because there is an absence of frustration and anxiety.

I truly believe that there is happiness to be found. My situation and personal feelings make me feel that it will be best found outside of my marriage. I haven't shared this with my wife yet but in an effort to continue to be honest will bring this up when the time is right. I am still assessing where I stand and deciding if this is truly what I want. In our last conversation I explained my feelings about the plan of salvation, the church, and my personal stance. She was far more understanding than I expected. I agreed not to act hastily but that I would continue with our routine while continuing to discuss my change in beliefs. Today in church the speaker made a comment about how wonderful it is to have a solid testimony of the church and my wife leaned over to me and said "don't you want that again" I looked her in the eye and said that I don't think it will ever be the same for me. She smiled and went back to listening to the speaker I on the other hand began to ponder on the things I am sharing here.

I don't know what the future holds but I am moving forward. I am feeling peace more consistently as I continue to accept myself and formulate what I believe. I am excited to learn more about myself and accept what I find. Maybe some day soon I will understand more clearly where I fit within God's plan of happiness, but for now I am happy creating a plan for my own happiness.

2 comments:

  1. Hi, haven't heard from you in a while. I've been following your blog shortly after you started to post. For some reason I've been really drawn to your story. I'm also a musician in the city and working on my phD in theory. I came out to myself about six months ago and family and friends last month. One of the hardest things I've done. I think your story has really helped me move things along. Still trying to decide what the church means to me after all this. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. It amazes me how hearing the experiences of others helps. If you ever want to talk to someone about stuff shoot me an email. Hope you're doing well.

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    Replies
    1. HI,
      Great to hear from you I was just getting online to start a new post. Life has been a bit crazy as my semester draws to a close. I would be interested in hearing your story. My personal email is heldentenor82@gmail.com.
      I am a bit jealous that you came out to your family and friends, I still haven't done that and there is a major life event happening right now that is kind of preventing me (at least in my mind it is).
      A phD in Theory is a massive undertaking...all I can say is Wow!!! Shoot me an email at the above address when you get this so I can learn more about you.

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