Sunday, April 27, 2014

What's next?

So I just had a very depressing conversation with my wife and it only lasted maybe a minute. Today had been a very long day for me. Sacrament meeting was annoying as I had to sit through early 20 somethings talk about how much they know the church is true and blah, blah, blah. Then in Primary the theme for the month is "The Family is Ordained of God." The children have to repeat a quote from the proclamation. I just want to stand up and scream, " what about me and all of us LGBT people?" I am tired of feeling like a trapped rat. Then church was finally over and it was our week to do the cleaning of the building. My wife had a meeting so I wandered the building cleaning and wishing I could just run away. I got home in time to prepare a lesson for home teaching....which I love doing ;). I have to really carefully word things so that I don't feel like a liar. By the time I got home from home teaching I was done with everything. I refused to go to choir practice which frustrated my wife, but luckily our youngest fell asleep just in time for me to have an excuse.
When my wife got home it was business as usual. Watched an episode of Once Upon a Time, then Turn and she then started to get texts like crazy. I asked who is texting she said it was her sister (the one she has confided in about our situation). I didn't think anything of it but then she suddenly came into the living room and said that her sister texts her a lot because she knows everything now. I said ok, that's fine. Then she blurted out that her sister was worried that I was physically abusing her and forcing her to stay with me. I rolled my eyes and hide the tears. She laughed and said that she had finally convinced her sister that I was not abusing her and that she is in control of her situation. I shut down immediately I just wanted to sob. I am still holding back the tears as I type. Everyone is in bed and I am too upset to sleep. I mean what the hell??? So because I am gay I am now the scum of the earth and treat everyone like shit? I admit there are very intense moments between my wife and I but I have never even thought about going into a physical realm and I work hard to make sure that I avoid hurtful things in my speech when I am upset. I try to stay calm and use words to work myself through whatever I am feeling. This just makes me wonder what my wife has been telling her sister. I know she feels betrayed because of my being closeted for so long and that she feels deceived, I have acknowledged that her feelings are justified and I continually apologize. I thought that her sister was being supportive and understanding but instead it seems that she is trying to make things worse. My wife already wants a divorce, and we are trying to make that happen according to our own timeline, but it seems that her sister is trying to spur her on because she feels that my wife will give up and just stay. After my wife had shared this with me she didn't ask how I felt, she just turned to me and said  "I told you she would push for me to get out." I just shook my head. I am tired of feeling like a horrible person and my wife doesn't help because she is so flippant about everything in how she says it to me. It feels as though she thinks that our situation doesn't cause me any pain. I feel that for her I will forever be the asshole that married a woman to cure the gay and wasn't faithful enough to make it happen.
It is getting to the point that each night I go to bed exhausted emotionally most nights I feel on the verge of tears. Then each morning I wake up hoping for a good day only to end the day thinking what will happen tomorrow to make me feel worse. You see, on top of all of this personal bullshit, my career is in the toilet. Every audition is a resounding NO, because I am too young, not developed enough, lack experience, etc. I am beginning to wish I could move to Alaska and live off the land and never be around people again. But then I remember how much I love not having to kill my own food. Plus I would not have any malls and as a gay man I need a good mall in order to survive : ).
If I could have one wish I would wish to be out of this situation just so I can find happiness again. I don't consider myself a negative person (even though this post testifies otherwise), but I long for peace and happiness. I still find joy in my boys, I love and cherish every moment with them because I know there is change coming, but I feel I would be such a better father if I wasn't in a situation that constantly reminds me of all of my failures. Plus then I wouldn't always be wondering what's coming next?
To be fair to myself I feel that through my therapy and support group I have gotten a lot better at handling all of this, I mean I think the old me would have broken down and stayed in bed a long time ago but the new me keeps trucking onward (maybe this is a benefit of all of my pioneer ancestry). I do believe that eventually this will pass so for now I will just have to vent to my blog.

Sunday, April 20, 2014


Well it has been a while, hasn't it? Things have been a little crazy for me for the past few weeks and I lost interest in blogging. But today has been a very emotional day for me and I need to empty my mind.

Church was very difficult for me. I have landed in atheist land and find myself mourning the loss of all of the plans I had for this and the next life. Seeing as how it is Easter my ward actually had very good talks and lessons centered on Jesus Christ, but I was not interested in the subjects being explored but rather in how I was responding. I found myself longing for the things were saying to be true. I wished that the church was right, that there was a way to escape being gay. I longed for there to be a God who loved me, and I wished that there was a savior of mankind. I nearly broke down in tears twice during the three hour block of meetings. I am the primary pianist and the children sang today in sacrament meeting. The song was beautiful and many in the meeting broke down in tears. I assume that it was due to the Easter message voiced through the song. I however was mourning my loss. I feel that I have lost all faith in the divine. My being gay has left me feeling abandoned and betrayed thus my faith is fading. I have had a hard time accepting the title of atheist but I feel for now I must. I am just so tired of kicking myself over my sexuality, my religious beliefs (or lack there of), and my marriage. I have to stop writing about this because it is still too dark a place for me to fully explore.

In other news....Three weeks ago my wife announced she wants a divorce because we have very different religious views and thus feelings about my being gay. I was numb for a day or two after this announcement, but I have come to terms with it. I am hunting for jobs and we have discussed that when I get a new job I will move and she will either stay here or move back to Idaho. She also mentioned to me that she wants to tell someone about our situation and I said that was fine. She told me that she was thinking she would tell her sister, I said that would be fine just please let me know before you do it. I had been gone for two weeks auditioning in New York City and when I got home after I unpacked and we were sitting down for dinner, my wife turned to me and told me she had told her sister everything two days earlier. Again, shocked but not upset at all. She told me her sisters response was tears and major amounts of empathy, which I thought was great! She then told me that her sister said she wanted to come get her and the boys and help them escape. I was hurt by that because it made me feel like I was a horrible father and person in general. But my wife explained that she said that she would not allow them to come and get her because this situation is her life and she has to work it out. I was proud of my wife for saying that it showed a lot of growth for her. She then told me that she had given her sister permission to tell our brother in law as well. I said fine they will all know anyway. So now her sister and her sister's husband know. They have been texting her to give her much needed support over the last week. Her sister called on Monday and invited her to visit them (a 10 hour drive away) for Easter. As an after thought they said that I could come too if I didn't think it would be too weird. To be fair her sister told my wife that she didn't hate me but that she felt bad for me and knows that this has to be hard. But, it seems they still think I should hide in shame, at least that's how it feels to me. But I have to be fair, my birthday was this week and of all of my wife's family they each wished me a  happy birthday and no one else did so I think maybe I am being a little too sensitive. I don't know I am just feeling like an emotional mess.

I have had a crush on this guy for a few months but I have failed to stop crushing on this guy and as I have gotten to know him more my feelings have deepened and I think it is full on love now. He is not the type I typically crush on and he has no idea how I feel. I keep hiding my feelings in an effort to stop feeling this way. I have never felt this way before, it is scary to me because I feel like he could never feel the same way about me and this just makes me resent my feelings even more. Plus, I am still married, so I don't want to be a cheater. But the biggest issue with this situation is that I realized this is the first time that I have felt real romantic love. I have crushed on guys before but this time is different. I feel drawn to him. I want to be close to him. I want to get to know him as deeply as possible. And I can't seem to shake the way I feel, even though I want these feelings to go away to make my life less complicated. I just want to fall in love and be with someone who loves me fully and who I am compatible with. Will that day ever come???? Will I ever fall in love with someone who will fall in love with me???? What is that like??? Will I be ready for it or is he even out there??? This all leaves me wishing I was straight, Good night, I need to stop writing because this is already a hot mess and I have no desire to read it to make edits. What ever!!!!