It's Time

With all the personal exploration of my emotions (discussed in my last post) I am some what emotionally crazy today. It feels like all my emotions are about to bubble over so when I saw this video and sobbed at the end I had to share it. It warmed my heart. And I have to agree it is time.

I think this video will help people to realize where I stand on the whole gay marriage issue (if they didn't already know).

The Sh@* in the Middle

I had my fourth session with my therapist and it was amazing!!! I love her to death because she doesn't let me just bury my feelings ( a defense mechanism I have perfected throughout my life). She has said to me a few times that she keeps sense a feeling of ambivalence on my part to 1) come out to my family, 2) move forward with the divorce, 3) fully accept myself as a gay man, and 4) allow my emotions to factor into my life. We boiled this down to be a major control issue. I will have to allow myself to open up and explore options and then I will have to work in a certain direction in order for there to be any change and that is work...it's not easy. I realized that I want to  be on the outcome side of everything, the side where everyone knows I'm gay and I have accepted myself fully, have a relationship with a man, and allow myself to feel all my emotions. What I don't want is all the SHIT in the middle that requires the work. I want a short cut to the outcome, one that will make everything easy....and guess what that won't happen. This is the part where you say well no shit Sherlock! But I stayed ambivalent because then I have control I don't have to step into the unknown and wade through shit to get where I want to be, but instead of moving in a direction I stay stagnant where I don't want to be, it's a vicious cycle. It's a lovely catch 22 but at least now I realize why I keep vacillating as to what I want in life. I want the easiest path and really there isn't one, all directions take work and I have to relinquish control.

Each session with her goes by like it is 20 seconds not 55 minutes. But we made the best use of our time today. It has been hard for me to hear her say a few things. 1) I don't like it when she refers to me as gay...weird considering I refer to myself as gay all the time. I think it has to do with being bullied when I was younger and hearing others call me gay was not a positive experience. 2) I didn't respond well when she said that I was the child and my parents had a responsibility to create an environment where I felt safe telling them I am gay. She really has helped me to see that they hold a part in my deception in not telling them and fear of telling them. I immediately went to their defense but then as I allowed it to sink in, I realized the truth in what she was saying. I am a parent now and though my boys are very young I can see how important it is to foster a relationship that allows them to feel safe telling me anything. I needed that from my parents and I never got it and still don't feel that I have it from them. I want to know why my being gay was just buried and ignored. I never told them but lets face it I gave off a pretty strong gay vibe when I was young....and my dad even discussed it with me once but he was so forceful about how wrong it is to be gay I just denied everything and agreed with him. I know my parents know but I am upset that they never asked me about my feelings and tried to understand or at least fostered an environment where I could feel safe telling them I am gay.

The nifty little gay box has been ripped open and a shitload of emotion is pouring out...and I like it...it sucks in the moment but I am starting to feel the weight of everything being lifted off of my chest. I feel like I can breath and be happy. Something I realize I haven't felt since high school. This is not going to be an easy journey but I know it will be worth it, no matter what I chose to do or how I chose to proceed. I just better get my wading boots on and grab a shovel because I have a ton of shit in my way and I have to get through it!!!!

Here are two little ditties I am in love with right now...I just connect with the lyrics of both a lot right now.

Hopefully this all made sense if not I hope you at least enjoyed the songs. I have to head to the gym....weight to lose and so little time left in the day. I wish I could go clubbing instead...I need to dance!

Randomness

****Warning: This is the MOST random blog I have ever posted, fasten your seat belt its going to be a bumpy ride.****

For the last week I have been feeling like I need to unplug from the cyber world and engage in the real world. I have been looking at ways to minimize my computer and phone time and have decided that blogging (and mainly social media) has become a bit much. I am starting to feel that I use my time blogging and facebooking as means to escape reality so that I don't have to face life. This is no way to live! I have set the goal to go one week without facebook and I keep procrastinating swearing I will start tomorrow, well, tomorrow has arrived. I just logged in checked everything and am now hoping I can stay away from midnight Saturday 10/19 until next Saturday. I am not as concerned about my blogging since I have not been as obsessed about writing. For a while it almost got to the point that everything I did I was thinking of ways to blog about it. I don't do that at all anymore, but rather I sit down and get the urge to blog about something and so I do. In fact I can't even remember what I have blogged about over the last two weeks (for the most part). This forum has become more a means for me to empty my mind than detail my life. Speaking of...

The last two weeks have been crazy! My wife declared that she wanted me to move out....but due to financial reasons that hasn't happened. As a means to facilitate her desires I immediately began looking for full-time jobs and have been applying like crazy...nothing yet but we'll see. We unloaded a lot in our conversation when she announced that and I think it helped us clear the air a little. The dust has settled and we seem to be in a better place than we have been in a long time. In fact she turned to me today and asked if I wanted to have another baby. Don't get me wrong I love babies but I have never felt so horrible in my life, I felt like my skin was far to tight for my body and I just wanted to claw my way out. My response was that we are in no position to have a third child. She just looked at me and said why not? I didn't get upset or even repeat myself...luckily  I was saved by a dirty diaper (our 5 month old decided he needed to unload). I realized as I was changing my sons diaper that my wife wants to have more children because she feels she will not be able to remarry. She has said several times she thinks she won't find anyone because we are in upstate New York and she is 27 years old. I may be gay but my wife's beauty is not lost on me. She is drop dead gorgeous!!! She has a rockin body and is beautiful. (Man, I wish I was straight...She really is the perfect woman physically and in every other aspect, a guy couldn't ask for anyone better!) I just worry what the added stress of one more child would do to us. Our marriage is very broken. But, since I started therapy I have been finding myself thinking through possibly staying married for the sake of our children.

I have been vehemently against this idea for the last few months mainly because of my parents awful marriage. But, I have been finding more inner peace and working hard to be a kinder and more patient person and I think this is beginning to help our marriage.  I still lean toward divorce because I will never be able to give her the physical relationship she desires (and deserves) but there apparently there is still a part of me that wants to save our marriage. I think it has to do more with being there for my boys each day rather than a few weekends here and there. This has also been part of the reason I am pulling back a bit from blogging and FB. I wonder how I would feel if I did constantly have single gay guys involved in my life (guys I love you but I have to ponder on this a bit for now). How much of my desire is out of envy for the gay life I never had? I think I just found what I will be discussing in therapy on Monday.

I just feel like a lot of my actions and desires have been led by outside influences (church/family/friends/etc) and that I haven't thoroughly thought things out and made an honest decision for myself. Hence, the feeling I need to unplug. I'll talk it over with my therapist and see what answer presents itself now that I am looking at everything this way.

Moving on....

So the dream I talked about a few posts back has come to life a little. I have been spending a lot of time at the library on campus to study for my comprehensive exams and the guy I dreamed about now works at the library. We have chatted a few times and play eye tag quite a bit. No I am not trying to develop a relationship I just wanted to give an update that this really cute guy (who is a little too young for me any way) is becoming more involved in my life. I really like him. We used to just bump into each other after classes and in the main hall, but now we cross paths a lot more (that's why I don't think I ever thought of him in a romantic way). Oh the life of a gay man married to a hetero woman.....One time my wife joked that I should have married a lesbian and this could have been a lot better for me....awkward yes, but still a little funny.

In other news....
I have officially joined the LGBT support group on campus...I am a little nervous mainly because I am so ashamed to admit that I am gay and married to a woman. And the fact that I will probably be the oldest person in the group, but I feel good about being involved and can't wait to start meeting. We will meet on Tuesday (Depending on how well I do unplugging from the cyber community I might "reward" myself and blog about it that night, if I've been not so dedicated I might wait until next weekend. Either way eventually it will make its way one here.


Big surprise....
I was looking at a moho website (kinda like facebook) and I found a friend from my BYUI days looking to date. I always knew he's gay (I wonder if he realized I was gay) and said so to a friend one time, she told him and he unfriended me from facebook a few years ago. Come to think of it that was a little bitchy of me to do but whats done is done and turns out I was right, maybe if I ever am fully out he and I can reconnect. That makes four for four of our group of guys from the BYUI music majors that are gay. Wow!!! Nope nohomos at BYUI right. Well not anymore now that we're all gone right? I hope he is able to find happiness, I am proud that he is being true to himself and did not get married just to hide it like I did.

Well, sorry for the randomness that is this post but to be fair the title did give that away. It is late I have a bad chest cold and need to get some rest. I don't see how this post can be useful to anyone but it shouldn't matter anyway because posting it is helpful to me. Good night.

Clearing my mind

I recently started therapy due to the suicidal thoughts I have been having and things are going fantastically!!! I love my therapist she is awesome. I was afraid I wouldn't have anything to talk about with her but we definitely fill the time. I am learning so much. I love how non-judgmental she is, I know that is how she should be but it is the first time in my life I have truly experienced that.

Maybe after I finish a few more sessions I will be able to sort out everything good enough to share hear but I feel like I am growing so much through this experience.

I am joining a support group for LGBTQ students here on the recommendation of my therapist. I met with the two lead therapists for group and enjoyed my conversation with them. I think this will be a great way for me to create a path for me to meet other LGBT individuals that will be safe and social. Right now I feel like my gay world only exists online and though I have created many great friendships this way I need real world people to meet with and talk about life.

I have also decided to postpone my final exams to allow more time for studying with everything that has been happening I haven't been able to study as much as I should be. This has been a huge relief for me.

My wife admitted that she wants me to move out ASAP...I am ok with this because we are both ready to move on but we are too poor at the present time. I am applying for jobs like crazy!!! I just submitted an application for a job in Chicago as well as four others but I am hoping for Chicago to come through. Chicago is one of the five cities I would like to live in before I die. Plus there are many gays there!!!

Well back to studying...just wanted to put a few thoughts down to clear my mind.

What am I meant to learn?

Attending the Affirmation Conference will probably always be one of the top ten greatest experiences of my life. It has taken me three weeks to fully assess how much that experience is affecting me.  I arrived there bitter, filled with doubt, and lacking an sense of hope. I left feeling loved, appreciate, uplifted, and hopeful. I wish I could say that the conference was the reason but I think it was merely the venue I needed to be in so that I would be ready to recognize things in my past that had prepared me for where I am at in life currently.

Don't get me wrong I learned a great deal through all of the workshops and speakers, but my personal inspirations were much more important for my personal journey.

There was one particular lesson that hit me so strongly on Sunday afternoon after all of the events were over. I had gone up to a lake with my best friend and his wife (two wonderful people who are extremely supportive and understanding). I had already talked with them about my mission and how my relationship with my mission president had caused major doubts about the church and lead me to feel that I should never go to church again when I got home from my mission. This is a long story but the short version goes as follows:

I felt inspired to do one thing my mission president another. I thought I was wrong and did as he asked because he was my leader, later I found out he had been told he was wrong by his leaders and still did it his way. He released me as a zone leader banished me to the outer realms of our mission and bad mouthed me to my new zone leader at the time (who happened to be a close friend and told me everything). I doubted my ability to receive revelation from that time on and stopped trying. I found out shortly after this that my dad had lost his job while I was on my mission about 6 months after I left. I was devastated and no longer wanted anything to do with the church. I quelched those thoughts and stayed active, got married, and never really prayed after my mission in order to avoid being wrong again. (This is extremely watered down but the main point is I began to doubt my ability to receive personal revelation).

This experience combined with my obedient personality growing up lead me to ignore the promptings I received about being gay. I couldn't accept myself because everyone kept telling me it was wrong even though I kept feeling that maybe I was meant to be gay but I would never ask God because I had been so horribly wrong on my mission.

One night after I came out to my wife I finally asked God for his input on who I am. The overwhelming response was that I was fine as I was. I was not an accident or a mistake, I was made this was for a reason. 

Fast forward 10 years and here I am walking by a lake talking with my friends about all of this and it hit me like a lightning bolt. My mission was meant to help prepare me to accept what the Lord would tell me about who I am. I nearly began to weep. I have always felt like a failure because of what happened between me and my mission president but in that moment I saw clearly. I had to learn that I could ask and receive and have it not be what others might be telling me. I finally felt at peace about my mission and thanked God that I finally understood why I had to go through what I did.

Everything I had experienced up to that day was to prepare me to be willing to stand tall and declare what I knew to be true for me. I am Drew and I am GAY!!! And God says its Okay!!

As I was sitting on the couch thinking about how I would distill my thoughts for this blog post I realized that I need to be looking at each day from this exact angle. What am I meant to learn? I do not consider myself to be a TBM (True Blue Mormon) but I do consider myself to be in tune with God. I want others to know my experience in the hope it can help them stand up and ask the difficult questions for themselves and the pose them to others. I have decided that the next time someone attempts to belittle or marginalize the "gays" I am going to ask them if they have asked God if the gays are wrong? I am going to ask them if they have tried to understand what it is to be gay and what they are meant to learn from the "gays"? The cornerstone of knowledge is seeking...meaning if you are looking for an answer you can't get one. Hopefully this will open their eyes. I know mine have been opened and I know I will no longer just suffer through life I will try to understand what I am meant to learn from my experiences and from those around me.