Things have been crazy lately and I have completely ignored my blog. Partly because my wife found my blog ( I hadn't told her about it, I need a place to work through my thoughts and feelings and I have been sharing a lot with her and our bishop and I wanted this to just be for me) Needless to say she wasn't very happy about this but I didn't want to discuss my blog with her and just explained why I needed it. She didn't like my reason for having a blog but it seems like she understands it enough to respect my decision for having one. We'll keep discussing it and hopefully she will fully understand and support my decision. I have nothing to hide from her, as almost everything on this blog has been shared verbally with her, its just it felt good to have a private space that I could sort through things.
Life is a out of control right now. After a long trip to Idaho we are back in New York and life just keeps moving forward. I am preparing to return out west for an opera program in Salt Lake. I leave on Saturday and will be there for almost four weeks. My family will be staying in New York and I will be going alone. This is the first time that I will leave for more than a night or two since we got married. I have to admit that I am a little anxious about being gone for so long, but I need to know what it is like since being an opera singer doesn't exactly mean you stay in one place for long periods of time. This will help us test the waters to see if we can handle this lifestyle.
I would be lying if I didn't admit it also gives us a chance to see what divorced life might be like. My wife will basically be functioning as a single mom and I will be a bachelor again. I know I will miss my family more than I can describe but I think this will be a good growing opportunity for us. I have been fearing what life would mean if we divorce and I think this will give me a much needed glimpse.
I guess I am feeling really reflective because it was our eighth anniversary yesterday and neither of us were really into it. Life has become a process that we routinely move through. I think this is mainly my fault because I have found myself retreating emotionally again. It is just so much easier to shut down and retreat to the old non-emotional me, rather than face the internal battle that comes with acknowledging and experiencing emotion. Our anniversary was the most uneventful day especially when you compare it with past celebrations. My wife is usually all about celebrating and doing fun things on this day and yet this year neither of us really seemed to be invested in celebrating. I'm sure she is struggling with everything and just doesn't know how to bring up what she is feeling. It will probably come up soon though because it feels a little like the quiet before the storm which has proceeded so many of our intense conversations. I think both of us are feeling the fatigue of life and we are sick of battling with my being gay.
Well, just writing this much has helped ease my mind a little and made me feel tired so I need to get some sleep, I have 15 pages of music to memorize tomorrow and I need sleep to do that.
If anyone is in the Salt Lake area and would like to hang out shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to meet more mohos while I am out west.
Anyway its 3 am and time to say....Good night.