Thursday, April 25, 2013

Stuck in a Cycle

It feels as though I haven't posted in forever, but I finally have some time and something to share. Things with my wife have settled into what I have deemed the "cycle of tolerance." It feels as though we each are living separate lives and we meet at night to say prayers and sleep. So basically we just tolerate life with one another and go about our own business. I go about my school stuff and work all day, she is busy with church stuff and friends and then around 8 in the evening we see each other at home hardly say a word and then go to bed only to begin again the next day.

I have to say that this  cycle makes things much easier for me, though I realize it is not very healthy. I can just go about my day without having to worry about my being gay or even acknowledging it. We both just tolerate the elephant in the room and move around it as if there isn't anything bothering us. Our home life is quite and peaceful but it is void of anything that resembles a real relationship to me. I can't say that I want that to change. Emotionally I am ready to divorce and move on, but the reality of what is happening in our lives will not allow us to do that just yet. She has admitted that she isn't in love with me anymore and I have said the same to her, but I think we are both just too afraid to move in the direction that we know we should because our lives are just too messy right now. I think that as the dust settles from all that we have been dealing with (not related to my coming out/being gay) that we will be able to truly evaluate our relationship and see how we should proceed. The cycle we are in will not last forever and I know I don't want it to.

Despite the lack of connect between my wife and I, I still feel at peace. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I wouldn't change that for anything.

In other news we get to speak in church on Sunday, I'm not sure how I will approach this talk now that my dedication to the church is waning. But I do have a testimony of Christ which luckily my topic is Christ as our Savior, so I should be able to pull this off. Part of me wants to lay my being gay on our ward, which is way too stuffy and closed minded,  but I guess that probably would not be a very wise move. I let you know if there is anything to report.

I guess for now I'll just keep treading water and maneuver through life in the cycle my wife and I have fallen into. I know I titled this stuck in a cycle but I'm choosing to stay in the cycle so I guess I'm not really stuck.

1 comment:

  1. If the two of you have decided or are close to deciding to divorce I hope both can still feel respect towards each other. That helps with legal separation agreements (if needed) and property settlements.

    My former wife and I were bonded together by our son even though legally he was an adult when we divorced. We unexpectedly gained an appreciation for each other when he had emergency surgery. We also saw the detrimental manner in which some other people handled their divorces and that helped us realize that we were fortunate to have ended our marriage with each one of us still standing.

    Ten plus years later we have love for each other, though it is not the romantic love of a wife and a husband. It is the love of two people who shared some wonderful experiences in spite of not being able to stay married. We are both happy that the other person has found sustainable love with new companions. We feel blessed. That is my hope for you and your wife with this difficult decision.