This post breaks from my traditional rants about my life and dives into my subconscious.Below is the retelling of a very vivid dream that I had last night and since this blog is my journal I of course had to share it....
I have not been a very heavy sleeper for many years now, in fact most nights I sleep so lightly that even a slight sound will wake me up and I only usually get around 6 hours of sleep on a good night. So I was shocked when I fell into a very deep sleep last night. For the first time in months I also had a vivid dream. I rarely remember dreaming, probably because I don't sleep very well, but last nights was fantastic in so many ways.
I was singing at a concert so I was all dressed up in a tux... Hugo Boss slim fit (like I said very vivid dream and also one of the fantastic things), I felt fantastic I had just finished singing and the audience loved it. After everything was done I came out from back stage and was standing next to a good friend. I consider this person to be a close friend but I had never thought about him romantically in anyway. Well it became apparent that he was there to see me perform and I remembered that we had been seeing each other but I thought it had been mainly just a friend thing. He looked fantastic by the way, in his tux (Ralph Lauren) and at this point in my blog I realized that I need to stop spending my free time browsing fashion websites/magazines....who am I kidding that isn't going to happen. moving on.....
So we chatted with people and then we decided it was time to go. We headed out the back when suddenly we stopped looked at each other and I blurted out "I love you" I grabbed my mouth and immediately wanted to run....so I started to leave. He grabbed my arm turned me around looked into my eyes and said "I love you too." My next statement was..."how can we love each other we haven't even held hands?" He didn't say a word he just grabbed my hand. Then instead of heading out the back exit we moved toward the main lobby in order to leave. I was super nervous because I had never had a boyfriend and I wasn't out to everyone yet. I was floating on cloud nine. I could not believe how wonderful it felt to be in love. It was amazing.
We made our way down the hallway and the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we ran into a missionary from my mission, someone I haven't thought about in years. I just wanted to run...rather than acknowledge him I turned to leave, but my friend, now boyfriend, stopped me and introduced himself. I cut in and said that he was my boyfriend. The missionary looked down at our clasped hands and nodded but looked shock. I was worried what he was going to say.
He smiled nervously like he didn't know how to respond so I started to leave, though I felt comfortable about my situation, he stopped me and said he really was happy for me. I smiled and I cannot explain how at peace I felt and how happy I was. I became extremely aware of my boyfriend's hand he was squeezing my hand I looked at him and I could instantly see how happy he was as well. We left the building and started down the stairs to get to the street.
Out of nowhere a group of guys in Knicks jerseys approached us, I could hear in the distance someone in the group say "fags" I recoiled from my boyfriend. He had heard it too. Someone on the street told us to run, my boyfriend began to leave but I froze. I couldn't move. One of the guys came up to me and asked me if we were gay. I nodded. My boyfriend grabbed me and wispered in my ear don't do this lets go. I shook my head. I verbally confirmed that we were in fact gay. The guy looked me in the eye shrugged his shoulders and turned around waving the crowd away. I stood there in shock....I didn't feel powerful but I felt in love.
This dream was amazing because I felt loved and accepted in ways that I do not right now, but it was also amazing because I faced a couple of my real life all time fears. I faced the fear of being rejected by admitting you love someone. I faced the fear of rejection from my friends by admitting who I am. I faced my biggest fear which is facing the bigotry and hate of society in general. I stood up to my fears in this dream and this was amazing, but it was not the most amazing part for me.
The most amazing part was feeling a deep bond and connection of love with someone I was attracted too. Feeling him support me through my weaknesses and seeing myself stand strong for that love when he needed me. This is what love is about, this is what I need in my life. I realize that this was in fact a dream and was fantasy, but I think I am a deep romantic at heart and I realized that I do not have that right now.
I wanted to cry when I woke up from this dream, because the dream was over, I didn't want to leave this place where I had love, acceptance, strength, commitment, and courage. Yet, I was still happy when I woke up because of how wonderful the dream had felt. Maybe someday my sweet dream can become my waking reality. We'll see.....
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Back on my feet and ready to run!!!
Well I can safely say that my personal crisis has been extinguished. It took 24 hours in bed with far too many episodes of Raising Hope but I marched my way out of the abyss that sucked me into such a dark place. I feel I must say that I am a stronger and better person having plunged to my personal rock bottom.
Since coming out to my wife in January my life has been filled with a lot of sorrow as I have searched to understand who I am. My rejection in my professional realm was similar to a 9.0 earthquake, no buildings were left standing, emotionally speaking I had my confidence completely destroyed. Throughout this whole process of coming out and even the dark days in the closet the only source of confidence I had that was real was my talent. This rejection was the final straw that had to break in order for me to truly dive inward. As I was sobbing in bed repeating to myself how worthless I am, I suddenly heard in my mind YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS....YOU ARE VALUED! I instantly stopped sobbing and no longer felt overwhelmed with sorrow or self-pity. I decided if I wanted to be a famous operatic tenor then I will just stand up on my own two feet and make it happen. I don't need the approval of one individual or organization to make that happen. I realized I had, for too long, bundled all of my sense of self worth into my abilities as a singer and this is very dangerous. I am worth more than how beautiful my voice is and I need to find value in all aspects of myself.
I got out of bed at midnight and marched to my computer and quickly typed a note to the director of the program and cordially thanked them for their consideration and all that I had learned from my past participation. I also asked if they had any recommendations as to what I could have done better to be more strongly considered to continue with them. They have yet to respond (and I highly doubt that they will) but I no longer feel weighed down by their decision. I took control the only way I can in this situation and asked for them to own their decision. I consider the matter closed and have already begun to plan my next move. I'm not sure I really want to sing professionally anymore but I know feel that I have the proper approach to be successful without being so overly invested in my career.
The next thing I realized after I had sent that email was that there is a major need for a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) support group. And people, LDS and non, need to understand how complex this type of relationship is and how much denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual. I pictured a website with a Q&A type format that will provide insight into these types of relationships. I picture support groups for those in these marriages and those that are transitioning out of them. What I realized as I thought about this was that I am not a thorough enough person to attempt this on my own. It then hit me that I am not alone, I have the whole moho blogoshpere. So I need everyones help.
I need questions.....
Send me any questions you may have about what it is like being gay and married to a woman. Anything at all. I want to use your questions to give a more detailed look inside my marriage and my situation. If you are in an MOM and would be willing to answer the questions I gather I would love that too, just let me know. I want this to be about many peoples experiences not just mine. Having multiple view points will give people more opportunity to get an authentic look at the dynamics of these types of marriages. If you were in an MOM and are no longer I would love your input as well.
This is not about picking a side in the debate on staying mormon or not it is about truth and understanding. And helping others to grasp the challenges and joys of being in an MOM.
In attending the Affirmation conference I felt that there were great strides being made in helping people understand what it means to be LGBT and mormon but I never felt that there was an attempt to understand what it means to be gay and in an MOM, which could be helpful for those who are considering entering into a MOM. I love Affirmation and support what they are doing, I just feel that this could be an additional way to save people from increase understanding.
In short I need your help. I need you to contact friends and family and get them to send me questions. I need your questions. I want people to understand better what it means to be in a MOM so that the advice I still here some giving to "just get married to the opposite gender", despite what the church says, will not be so flippantly given. My wife is a wonderful person and we are learning a lot about each other and about ourselves as individuals through this process but we both wish I would have made other choices so that we could have avoided a lot of sadness.
My biggest fear is that people will not send me questions so please help me out....no question is stupid and it will not be ignored. I will even send a personal response before I post the final document so you will get an in-depth answer to your question.
Please either comment below or feel free to email me at heldentenor82@gmail.com
* Fingers crossed and hoping that I will at least get a few questions...if not I can learn an additional opera role instead I guess. :)
Since coming out to my wife in January my life has been filled with a lot of sorrow as I have searched to understand who I am. My rejection in my professional realm was similar to a 9.0 earthquake, no buildings were left standing, emotionally speaking I had my confidence completely destroyed. Throughout this whole process of coming out and even the dark days in the closet the only source of confidence I had that was real was my talent. This rejection was the final straw that had to break in order for me to truly dive inward. As I was sobbing in bed repeating to myself how worthless I am, I suddenly heard in my mind YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS....YOU ARE VALUED! I instantly stopped sobbing and no longer felt overwhelmed with sorrow or self-pity. I decided if I wanted to be a famous operatic tenor then I will just stand up on my own two feet and make it happen. I don't need the approval of one individual or organization to make that happen. I realized I had, for too long, bundled all of my sense of self worth into my abilities as a singer and this is very dangerous. I am worth more than how beautiful my voice is and I need to find value in all aspects of myself.
I got out of bed at midnight and marched to my computer and quickly typed a note to the director of the program and cordially thanked them for their consideration and all that I had learned from my past participation. I also asked if they had any recommendations as to what I could have done better to be more strongly considered to continue with them. They have yet to respond (and I highly doubt that they will) but I no longer feel weighed down by their decision. I took control the only way I can in this situation and asked for them to own their decision. I consider the matter closed and have already begun to plan my next move. I'm not sure I really want to sing professionally anymore but I know feel that I have the proper approach to be successful without being so overly invested in my career.
The next thing I realized after I had sent that email was that there is a major need for a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) support group. And people, LDS and non, need to understand how complex this type of relationship is and how much denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual. I pictured a website with a Q&A type format that will provide insight into these types of relationships. I picture support groups for those in these marriages and those that are transitioning out of them. What I realized as I thought about this was that I am not a thorough enough person to attempt this on my own. It then hit me that I am not alone, I have the whole moho blogoshpere. So I need everyones help.
I need questions.....
Send me any questions you may have about what it is like being gay and married to a woman. Anything at all. I want to use your questions to give a more detailed look inside my marriage and my situation. If you are in an MOM and would be willing to answer the questions I gather I would love that too, just let me know. I want this to be about many peoples experiences not just mine. Having multiple view points will give people more opportunity to get an authentic look at the dynamics of these types of marriages. If you were in an MOM and are no longer I would love your input as well.
This is not about picking a side in the debate on staying mormon or not it is about truth and understanding. And helping others to grasp the challenges and joys of being in an MOM.
In attending the Affirmation conference I felt that there were great strides being made in helping people understand what it means to be LGBT and mormon but I never felt that there was an attempt to understand what it means to be gay and in an MOM, which could be helpful for those who are considering entering into a MOM. I love Affirmation and support what they are doing, I just feel that this could be an additional way to save people from increase understanding.
In short I need your help. I need you to contact friends and family and get them to send me questions. I need your questions. I want people to understand better what it means to be in a MOM so that the advice I still here some giving to "just get married to the opposite gender", despite what the church says, will not be so flippantly given. My wife is a wonderful person and we are learning a lot about each other and about ourselves as individuals through this process but we both wish I would have made other choices so that we could have avoided a lot of sadness.
My biggest fear is that people will not send me questions so please help me out....no question is stupid and it will not be ignored. I will even send a personal response before I post the final document so you will get an in-depth answer to your question.
Please either comment below or feel free to email me at heldentenor82@gmail.com
* Fingers crossed and hoping that I will at least get a few questions...if not I can learn an additional opera role instead I guess. :)
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
What the Hell???? Why can't I just hide under a rock??
Just when I start to feel like I know where life is headed everything falls apart. I am months away from finishing my Doctorate and now I don't even know if I want to have anything to do with music. I just got a rejection from a young artist program I have already worked with. As if doubting myself as a gay man wasn't enough now I have to feel like I am worthless as a singer. Seriously when it rains it pours!!! I guess I'll have to take that as an answer to my recent self doubts.
I have been wondering if I even want to be a singer anymore (I know $150,000 in tuition and 12 years of my life and now I think I don't want to). I realized about a month ago that I used music and singing as a way to find acceptance from others. Much needed acceptance since I loathed myself as a gay person. I always hid behind my talent even though many would consider it a fairly gay talent. I even admitted to a friend that perhaps I don't want to be a singer anymore because I no longer feel the need to be accepted by others on their terms but rather on mine now that I am comfortable with being gay.
And then today I get a rejection from someone/a program that I felt was a place I belonged and could finally gain much needed experience. Well that has been shot to hell!!! I feel horrible...this only compounds all of the horrible feelings I have felt about my marriage, the church, and life in general. What do I have to learn that requires everything to be happening at once.
I guess the good thing is that this experience has made me reach out to a friend who is interested in starting a business. Since I have no musical engagements and no future plans I can begin to invest fully in this opportunity....if it doesn't get shot to hell. I texted him just after I got my rejection letter. Our plans for this business are one of the only bright spots in my life right now and I decided if he wasn't interested anymore I needed to know tonight so I can face all my rejection issues right now. So i can say everything went south but there appears to be very little left for me right now and the worst part is I don't feel like anyone I could talk to face to face would understand because I am not out to enough people yet. Why can't things get simpler why do they have to keep compounding.
Where do I go from here? My music career is stagnant....I don't really want to teach...I don't have good enough performance credentials to teach anywhere that will pay decent...I won't lie suicide crossed my mind but don't worry that won't happen because it would just leave my boys and their mom in a very bad situation as my life insurance policy isn't old enough....yep I went there the darkest place one can go but I can't because I can't afford to do it...damn finances always getting in the way of everything.
I just have to keep reminding myself how accepted I felt at the Affirmation conference and I need to figure out a way that I can keep that feeling so that I can move forward.
I will probably be contact a therapist tomorrow as the pressure of everything feels like it demands extra help. I am not ashamed of therapy and think it will do me some good but damn I thought I was handling everything really well until this very moment!!! I guess when you get a rejection from an organization that has helped you grow so much and you trust and rely on them and then they pull the rug out from under you it brings up a lot of sh*t.
Well its late and this post has been dark enough....I am going to try and force myself to write a post about the conference so I can get back to a positive place. Besides its late and I am tired...hopefully I can sleep despite my anxiety and sadness.
To be honest I don't comments about my suicidal thoughts....I know I know it gets better. Maybe if you want to comment tell me a positive change that has happened in your life that brought you a lot of happiness or alleviated some stress instead. I promise I will not kill myself but I had to be honest while posting what I feel in this moment right now. I just tend to bottle up my emotions. I think my wife will be surprised about how much this upset me when she reads this because to her face I was just shrugging it off. What the hell???? (is up with my life right now)?????? I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out!!!
I have been wondering if I even want to be a singer anymore (I know $150,000 in tuition and 12 years of my life and now I think I don't want to). I realized about a month ago that I used music and singing as a way to find acceptance from others. Much needed acceptance since I loathed myself as a gay person. I always hid behind my talent even though many would consider it a fairly gay talent. I even admitted to a friend that perhaps I don't want to be a singer anymore because I no longer feel the need to be accepted by others on their terms but rather on mine now that I am comfortable with being gay.
And then today I get a rejection from someone/a program that I felt was a place I belonged and could finally gain much needed experience. Well that has been shot to hell!!! I feel horrible...this only compounds all of the horrible feelings I have felt about my marriage, the church, and life in general. What do I have to learn that requires everything to be happening at once.
I guess the good thing is that this experience has made me reach out to a friend who is interested in starting a business. Since I have no musical engagements and no future plans I can begin to invest fully in this opportunity....if it doesn't get shot to hell. I texted him just after I got my rejection letter. Our plans for this business are one of the only bright spots in my life right now and I decided if he wasn't interested anymore I needed to know tonight so I can face all my rejection issues right now. So i can say everything went south but there appears to be very little left for me right now and the worst part is I don't feel like anyone I could talk to face to face would understand because I am not out to enough people yet. Why can't things get simpler why do they have to keep compounding.
Where do I go from here? My music career is stagnant....I don't really want to teach...I don't have good enough performance credentials to teach anywhere that will pay decent...I won't lie suicide crossed my mind but don't worry that won't happen because it would just leave my boys and their mom in a very bad situation as my life insurance policy isn't old enough....yep I went there the darkest place one can go but I can't because I can't afford to do it...damn finances always getting in the way of everything.
I just have to keep reminding myself how accepted I felt at the Affirmation conference and I need to figure out a way that I can keep that feeling so that I can move forward.
I will probably be contact a therapist tomorrow as the pressure of everything feels like it demands extra help. I am not ashamed of therapy and think it will do me some good but damn I thought I was handling everything really well until this very moment!!! I guess when you get a rejection from an organization that has helped you grow so much and you trust and rely on them and then they pull the rug out from under you it brings up a lot of sh*t.
Well its late and this post has been dark enough....I am going to try and force myself to write a post about the conference so I can get back to a positive place. Besides its late and I am tired...hopefully I can sleep despite my anxiety and sadness.
To be honest I don't comments about my suicidal thoughts....I know I know it gets better. Maybe if you want to comment tell me a positive change that has happened in your life that brought you a lot of happiness or alleviated some stress instead. I promise I will not kill myself but I had to be honest while posting what I feel in this moment right now. I just tend to bottle up my emotions. I think my wife will be surprised about how much this upset me when she reads this because to her face I was just shrugging it off. What the hell???? (is up with my life right now)?????? I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out!!!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
A Chance at Happiness
I have started this post many times but I can't get my thoughts organized. I have been depressed for a few days but the fog has lifted so I decided to give it another chance.
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend the Affirmation conference. I went back and forth on whether I should attend or not. I wasn't sure if it would be a good fit for where I am at right now. I could not have been more wrong. This conference was exactly what I needed. I learned so much about myself that I cannot even attempt to share it all with you here, mainly because the written word is not my specialty...I would rather talk about it. Any way, it was wonderful to be with so many people who accepted me for who I am and where I am at in my spiritual journey. I was fed spiritually and emotionally. There were so many wonderful people in attendance and I am grateful I was able to meet new people and form new friendships. I am compiling ideas for a post to explore what I learned through the conference but needless to say I got a lot out of it and I am so glad that I was able to go.
I came home feeling uplifted and thought I was in a very good place emotionally and then my wife and I had a two hour conversation that changed all of that. I sank into a very dark place quickly. I have avoided just flat out telling her that I want a divorce because I was afraid of hurting her. But while I was away something happened that made me just blurt out that I wanted out in the middle of our conversations.
My wife had the sister missionaries over for dinner while I was gone. She told me how the sisters had asked my son if he missed his dad (my son is 4 ) his response hurt really bad but it is the truth...."he said yes but not too much because sometimes he makes my mom cry." We have been going through a lot lately, obviously, but we thought we had been hiding it from him. The sisters didn't pay too much attention to it, but I did. Immediately after my wife said that I responded by saying I want out. I explained that our issues are obviously affecting our son more than we thought and we can't keep going the way we are. She agreed. She opened up about how hurt she is and how embarrassed. She said she can't get over the fact that I got married to her when I knew I was gay. (She doesn't understand how repressed I was and that I didn't even fully understand my sexuality back then.) She expounded a lot on this but long story short...she has a hard time not hating me because she feels I should have just chosen not to get married. I agreed. We discussed this in length, along with other specifics of how our families are going to react as well as the birth mother of our second son who is adopted. I was an emotional wreck throughout this conversation. I feel so guilty about everything. I just kept thinking a single question: Why couldn't I have been more brave and stood up for myself so that I wouldn't have caused all of this suffering?
So I guess what I need to ask myself, even though I don't want to is: Will I be brave enough now? Throughout the course of the Affirmation conference I cam to realize how much I desire to be an activist. I have often heard the phrase, "be the change you want to see." How can I stay married and pretend I am happy and committed when in fact I desire a change for those of us that are gay. I do not want to be married and I do not want other gay people to feel that they must get married. So, will I stand up and do what I feel is right....Will I stand up and work for change? I have to stand up and be brave now. I cannot just stand on the sidelines anymore and watch my life pass by.
I was so depressed after my conversation with my wife it took me two days of recovery just to be able to function. What I realized was that I wasn't depressed about my marriage ending, I was depressed because of the pain I have caused and the pain I will continue to cause if I stay married. My wife and I have moved closer to divorce. It feels that it is merely a matter of time and money before we pull the trigger and I think both of us feel it is for the best. We both are afraid of what everyone else will think and how many of them will hate me, but this will not be the reason we stay together. The chance of happiness is better than the continuation of suffering we are both feeling.
Well there it is. This is where I/we are at. We shall see what unfolds but I am beginning to feel strength developing inside and I am encouraged by what I learned at the Affirmation conference. I apologize for this post it was merely a means for me to unload so that I can further process everything. I will post again when things are a little more coherent.
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend the Affirmation conference. I went back and forth on whether I should attend or not. I wasn't sure if it would be a good fit for where I am at right now. I could not have been more wrong. This conference was exactly what I needed. I learned so much about myself that I cannot even attempt to share it all with you here, mainly because the written word is not my specialty...I would rather talk about it. Any way, it was wonderful to be with so many people who accepted me for who I am and where I am at in my spiritual journey. I was fed spiritually and emotionally. There were so many wonderful people in attendance and I am grateful I was able to meet new people and form new friendships. I am compiling ideas for a post to explore what I learned through the conference but needless to say I got a lot out of it and I am so glad that I was able to go.
I came home feeling uplifted and thought I was in a very good place emotionally and then my wife and I had a two hour conversation that changed all of that. I sank into a very dark place quickly. I have avoided just flat out telling her that I want a divorce because I was afraid of hurting her. But while I was away something happened that made me just blurt out that I wanted out in the middle of our conversations.
My wife had the sister missionaries over for dinner while I was gone. She told me how the sisters had asked my son if he missed his dad (my son is 4 ) his response hurt really bad but it is the truth...."he said yes but not too much because sometimes he makes my mom cry." We have been going through a lot lately, obviously, but we thought we had been hiding it from him. The sisters didn't pay too much attention to it, but I did. Immediately after my wife said that I responded by saying I want out. I explained that our issues are obviously affecting our son more than we thought and we can't keep going the way we are. She agreed. She opened up about how hurt she is and how embarrassed. She said she can't get over the fact that I got married to her when I knew I was gay. (She doesn't understand how repressed I was and that I didn't even fully understand my sexuality back then.) She expounded a lot on this but long story short...she has a hard time not hating me because she feels I should have just chosen not to get married. I agreed. We discussed this in length, along with other specifics of how our families are going to react as well as the birth mother of our second son who is adopted. I was an emotional wreck throughout this conversation. I feel so guilty about everything. I just kept thinking a single question: Why couldn't I have been more brave and stood up for myself so that I wouldn't have caused all of this suffering?
So I guess what I need to ask myself, even though I don't want to is: Will I be brave enough now? Throughout the course of the Affirmation conference I cam to realize how much I desire to be an activist. I have often heard the phrase, "be the change you want to see." How can I stay married and pretend I am happy and committed when in fact I desire a change for those of us that are gay. I do not want to be married and I do not want other gay people to feel that they must get married. So, will I stand up and do what I feel is right....Will I stand up and work for change? I have to stand up and be brave now. I cannot just stand on the sidelines anymore and watch my life pass by.
I was so depressed after my conversation with my wife it took me two days of recovery just to be able to function. What I realized was that I wasn't depressed about my marriage ending, I was depressed because of the pain I have caused and the pain I will continue to cause if I stay married. My wife and I have moved closer to divorce. It feels that it is merely a matter of time and money before we pull the trigger and I think both of us feel it is for the best. We both are afraid of what everyone else will think and how many of them will hate me, but this will not be the reason we stay together. The chance of happiness is better than the continuation of suffering we are both feeling.
Well there it is. This is where I/we are at. We shall see what unfolds but I am beginning to feel strength developing inside and I am encouraged by what I learned at the Affirmation conference. I apologize for this post it was merely a means for me to unload so that I can further process everything. I will post again when things are a little more coherent.
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