This post breaks from my traditional rants about my life and dives into my subconscious.Below is the retelling of a very vivid dream that I had last night and since this blog is my journal I of course had to share it....
I have not been a very heavy sleeper for many years now, in fact most nights I sleep so lightly that even a slight sound will wake me up and I only usually get around 6 hours of sleep on a good night. So I was shocked when I fell into a very deep sleep last night. For the first time in months I also had a vivid dream. I rarely remember dreaming, probably because I don't sleep very well, but last nights was fantastic in so many ways.
I was singing at a concert so I was all dressed up in a tux... Hugo Boss slim fit (like I said very vivid dream and also one of the fantastic things), I felt fantastic I had just finished singing and the audience loved it. After everything was done I came out from back stage and was standing next to a good friend. I consider this person to be a close friend but I had never thought about him romantically in anyway. Well it became apparent that he was there to see me perform and I remembered that we had been seeing each other but I thought it had been mainly just a friend thing. He looked fantastic by the way, in his tux (Ralph Lauren) and at this point in my blog I realized that I need to stop spending my free time browsing fashion websites/magazines....who am I kidding that isn't going to happen. moving on.....
So we chatted with people and then we decided it was time to go. We headed out the back when suddenly we stopped looked at each other and I blurted out "I love you" I grabbed my mouth and immediately wanted to run....so I started to leave. He grabbed my arm turned me around looked into my eyes and said "I love you too." My next statement was..."how can we love each other we haven't even held hands?" He didn't say a word he just grabbed my hand. Then instead of heading out the back exit we moved toward the main lobby in order to leave. I was super nervous because I had never had a boyfriend and I wasn't out to everyone yet. I was floating on cloud nine. I could not believe how wonderful it felt to be in love. It was amazing.
We made our way down the hallway and the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we ran into a missionary from my mission, someone I haven't thought about in years. I just wanted to run...rather than acknowledge him I turned to leave, but my friend, now boyfriend, stopped me and introduced himself. I cut in and said that he was my boyfriend. The missionary looked down at our clasped hands and nodded but looked shock. I was worried what he was going to say.
He smiled nervously like he didn't know how to respond so I started to leave, though I felt comfortable about my situation, he stopped me and said he really was happy for me. I smiled and I cannot explain how at peace I felt and how happy I was. I became extremely aware of my boyfriend's hand he was squeezing my hand I looked at him and I could instantly see how happy he was as well. We left the building and started down the stairs to get to the street.
Out of nowhere a group of guys in Knicks jerseys approached us, I could hear in the distance someone in the group say "fags" I recoiled from my boyfriend. He had heard it too. Someone on the street told us to run, my boyfriend began to leave but I froze. I couldn't move. One of the guys came up to me and asked me if we were gay. I nodded. My boyfriend grabbed me and wispered in my ear don't do this lets go. I shook my head. I verbally confirmed that we were in fact gay. The guy looked me in the eye shrugged his shoulders and turned around waving the crowd away. I stood there in shock....I didn't feel powerful but I felt in love.
This dream was amazing because I felt loved and accepted in ways that I do not right now, but it was also amazing because I faced a couple of my real life all time fears. I faced the fear of being rejected by admitting you love someone. I faced the fear of rejection from my friends by admitting who I am. I faced my biggest fear which is facing the bigotry and hate of society in general. I stood up to my fears in this dream and this was amazing, but it was not the most amazing part for me.
The most amazing part was feeling a deep bond and connection of love with someone I was attracted too. Feeling him support me through my weaknesses and seeing myself stand strong for that love when he needed me. This is what love is about, this is what I need in my life. I realize that this was in fact a dream and was fantasy, but I think I am a deep romantic at heart and I realized that I do not have that right now.
I wanted to cry when I woke up from this dream, because the dream was over, I didn't want to leave this place where I had love, acceptance, strength, commitment, and courage. Yet, I was still happy when I woke up because of how wonderful the dream had felt. Maybe someday my sweet dream can become my waking reality. We'll see.....