Tuesday, May 14, 2013

And here we have Idaho....

We have been in Idaho now for 2 weeks and we still have another 2 weeks before we go back to New York. I am going crazy here. I feel trapped in a close-minded world!!! (Though I am sure this more my own perception than reality)

I came to Idaho determined to tell my parents everything. I wanted so badly to share with them about my being gay and what I am currently feeling but my family quickly shut that down. I began to approach the subject one night but as we started talking about "the gays" there were many things said that I would classify as insensitive and bigoted. I shut down immediately and quickly changed the subject. What hurt the most was in the middle of that conversation my wife began to side with what was being said, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I am so frustrated right now! I am so sick of people being unwilling to understand different perspectives. I am not asking that everyone believe the way that I do but I would hope that would at least be able to listen and think about things before discounting anything. I guess I shouldn't be so upset because its not like I opened up and came out but the environment made me rethink my desire to tell anyone in my family. I hate how I feel right now. I feel myself slipping backward. Two weeks ago I felt so comfortable with who I am and I just wanted to share everything with everyone. One conversation with my family and I shrivel up and hide. I guess I have a lot of insecurity in regards to my family. I wish I was stronger and more self confident.

Since that conversation my wife and I have been fighting a lot more. From my perspective I feel like my wife is mad at me because of my feelings toward the church and my belief that being gay is a permanent part of who I am. Her true feelings emerged during the conversation and I can't get the look on her face out of my head when she began throwing subtle verbal daggers as I was trying to guide the conversation toward me coming out to my family.

I am so lost about my feelings right now. I feel like I just want to go back into the closet and shut my emotions down (it seems that this happens every time I have a set back emotionally). I realize that I can't do this but it is so appealing because it makes life seem so simple and easy in comparison to what I am facing right now.

Being home in Idaho makes me feel like the young and dumb guy I used to be. It is easy to want to slip into my old habits because this place triggers so many self loathing feelings and I just hate it! I am so excited to go back to New York and get back to the place where I feel like the real me. I know eventually I will need to find a way to be authentic to who I am when I am around family and in Idaho but right now it feels impossible.

Even though I am not out to anyone in my social circle in New York it still feels good to be around them because there are several gay guys in that circle and I know when I do come out it will not be a big deal. I guess the lack of emotional connection I feel here stems from my lack of friendships and honest relationships. But I guess I can endure this for a few more weeks and hopefully begin to figure out how to have more self confidence for the next time I come back to Idaho.