Well Wednesday night was an extremely long night. My wife and I had a significant conversation that lasted almost four hours and, leaving me with only three hours of sleep to face the day. This conversation did a lot in helping us understand one another. My goal, when I could tell that we were headed to a deep conversation, was to openly express all of my feelings.Which I actually followed thorugh and did just that. I shared everything, my fears, my desires, my struggle with the church, and how I have hated who I have become.
The core of our discussion centered on my indecision about our marriage. I explained that my mind has not been made up yet about whether to continue with our marriage or to pursue another path because I felt so emotionally broken that I just couldn't decide. I have hidden who I am for so long and now emotions are running rampant and I can't make heads or tails of them so I just can't commit to anything right now. I don't feel I have the ability to declare anything emotionally in any of my realtionships.
What we decided together was that we needed to work on our friendship first and foremost. I told her that we needed to strengthen our friendship so that should we decided to split up at least that way we would be able to work with one another and hopefully maintain our friendship. And if we decide to stay married then the foundation is in place to continue, she agreed and we are working on our relationship from the ground up.
This conversation had many other components but needless to say I sobbed so hard that there were times I couldn't speak. But the result of this conversation has been an overwhleming sense of peace within my heart. There are still unresolved questions in my mind but I know now that no matter what I will still have my wife's friendship and my son. My biggest fear has been that my wife would leave me and I would never see my son again so this reassurance has given me a deep sense of peace.
This late night conversation left me exausted all day Thursday, but today I was happy, for the first time in years I felt a deep sense of joy. I was excited to go to work and be around people, I haven't felt that way since my mission. I enjoyed talking with people and feel an overwhelming desire to build relationships with new people. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a life worth living, rather than a never ending "responsibilty" to uphold.
No definitive decisions have been made but I feel like I am headed in the right direction for now.