Well, we are no longer in Florida. Our trip to Disney world was a success in my eyes. There were a few rough moments and one feud but my wife and I survived a vacation with her family. We have now driven to Georgia to visit my wife's brother and his family. This is my favorite part of this vacation because I get to sit back and relax while I work on music for an important audition later this month.
In my previous post I had shared about my experience seeing a gay couple for the first time while I was on vacation at Disney World. This time I saw another gay couple but it was more than that, they were a family, there were two dads and a 9 or 10 year old boy. My heart melted when I saw the interactions of this family. I saw them several times in multiple parks, each time that I saw them it made me smile but at the same time it made me very jealous for the life that they have.
Don't get me wrong I love my family but I am jealous that they get to experience love in a way that I haven't been able to, a deep and complete love that I just can't seem to make happen in my relationship with my wife. There are times when loving her is easy but than there are other times when it feels like too much effort. Anyway.....
This little family brightened my Disney experience and warmed my soul not really anything else to say other than it deeply touched me.
This trip also had another good development. My wife and I had a three hour conversation to address some things that we both felt needed thorough attention. The only area I will share here is our discussion about the D word....divorce.
I have begun to feel that the only reason my wife wants to stay married is because she is worried about what people will think. So in the course of our conversation, which again took place late at night - making for a long first day at Hollywood Studios, I asked her what her main concerns were about divorce. She said that the her only concern was how she would take care of herself. She has relied heavily on me and she felt that she wouldn't be able to manage without me. I said I would address that but I had another question first. I felt she was holding back so I asked her why she wanted to stay married to me? Specifically, if it was because she was worried about what people would think if we got divorced? She admitted that a large part of her desire to stay married was because she was concerned about what people would think. I reassured her that her feelings in this regard are valid and that I was not offended.
I wasn't offended because for many years I have done exactly that and perhaps this is the reason I am married to a woman now. I find it fascinating how calm I am through all of our discussions. I don't get offended and believe me there have been many things said that could offend but the peace I have found through admitting who I am has far exceeded any possible offense from someone expressing their feelings.
We continued our conversation by discussing the logistics of a divorce, specifically, what it would mean for us. I explained to her that if we decided to get divorced I wouldn't just abandon her and leave her to fend for herself. I got us into this mess and I want to make sure that she doesn't suffer anymore than she already has. I know that sounds a little naïve but it is the truth, I know there is more pain and suffering for both of us if we decide to divorce. But no matter what I will not abandon her or our family I will always help them and make sure that they have what they need. She found that reassuring but the prospect of being alone still scares her.
I explained that should we get divorced I wanted us to be friends. I would want to get to know her future husband and maintain a friendship with them. I don't want her to feel that I am pushing her away so much as letting her go.
She expressed concern about my lifestyle choice and what that would mean for our son. She said she doesn't like the idea of our son being in a home with a gay couple and she worried what this would mean for our sons relationship with the church. She cried when she said this and as she apologized because she was worried this would hurt my feelings. I explained I wasn't offended and that I was glad she shared how she really feels. I skated around this a little because I don't know what the future holds. I know I have mentioned several times that I want a husband and family but I couldn't go into detail with her about this at that moment, it didn't feel right. Needless to say there will be some details to work out but throughout the course of our relationship I come to realize that my wife is quite liberal and empathetic as long as you allow her to process and deduce her own opinion. She used to be against gay marriage but now she fully supports it (a conclusion she reached well before she knew she was in a semi-gay marriage). So I know that with time and communication she could come to accept this and embrace our new dynamic if necessary.
As I stare at my monitor I realize that I am in such a state of peace after this conversation that I cannot even express my feelings in words. This conversation did a lot for both of us. In a sense it freed us from feeling trapped in our marriage (something we both acknowledge feeling since my coming out). It feels that we are starting to gain control over our relationship for the first time since we got married. For far too long we have gone through the motions of marriage and now we are deciding how our marriage will work or if it will continue.
Well, I need to get back to relaxing since we will be leaving in a few days to return home to work, school, and all the other fun things of life. Maybe someday I will have a husband and more children but then again maybe I will stay the course and come to enjoy my marriage, either way I feel that I am in a much better place now than I was a month ago.