First off, sorry for two posts in a single day but Tuesdays are my days to sit in on orchestra rehearsals and hear some very beautiful music, which of course gets me thinking. My thoughts today have weighed heavily on my heart.
I have been considering how I can have hope in my marriage as I am still unsure about my marriage. Let me explain this a little.
I keep saying I want to save my marriage but as I have thought about this today I don't feel that I have really reached that conclusion. Rather I have been saying it out of obligation, my wife found out something "horrible" about me and I am obligated to acknowledge this and do my husbandly duty and fix the problem, i.e. make things go back to "normal". Which I can never do, my coming out will never be undone and my attraction to men will never go away. Today I feel I need to have a definite conclusion that I want to save my marriage in order to save my marriage, otherwise I feel like I am slipping into my past method of suppressing who I am.
Is this really necessary, do I need a definitive conclusion or should I try to rely on faith....faith in what? Because of my status as a gay man I have many doubts and in some ways have lost hope and faith in various aspects of the church. I continue to be active more out of respect for my wife and her desires/goals than out of anything that I desire. I don't know if I can re-grow my faith nor if I want to right now. In many ways it feels like turning around to find my faith is stepping back into the closet and hiding who I am, but is that the case? Does saving my marriage mean I have to have faith in the church? I don't know right now.
My coming out to my wife means that for the first time I have been able to acknowledge my sexual desires and truly think about what it would mean if I was to pursue a relationship with a man. Right now if feel like I am standing at a fork in the road, there are two paths and the question is which do I choose? Do I choose my marriage or a new path that allows my full expression of my sexuality, a path that allows my needs to be met. Will this really mean that my needs will be met or is this just another "grass is greener" idea.
I find hope in the idea of this new path but not in my current path. The current path of staying the course in my marriage feels like ten cement blocks sitting where my heart should be, it feels as though my marriage is a never ending chore that is slowly choking me. The idea of ending my marriage and moving on brings me hope and happiness, in my mind both for my wife and for myself, but why is it so hard to move in that direction. I feel a great deal of love for my wife but I can't help but feel that this is a platonic love not the love of a husband and that by ending our marriage she could meet someone who could really love her fully. Then again she may not and I would be the cause of that pain as well. There are also no guarantees that I will find anyone who will meet my needs, I could be just as miserable in a gay marriage as I am in a mixed marriage. But is that a reason not to attempt to find complete happiness...if there is such a thing?
The hardest part of moving down the new path are the many unknowns. I don't know if I could ever find a man as wonderful as my wife (I don't know if that makes sense but that is how I feel). The next hardest part is breaking my wife's heart. I don't want to cause her pain. It causes my heart a lot of sorrow to think of how hurt she is, and could be should we separate. I have seen her buried in sorrow over the last few days as the full realization of what my sexuality means for us as a couple has set in for her. This has scared me significantly but is that enough to continue onward, should I allow my fear of how sad she will be stop me from moving towards what I am perceiving as a possible means of happiness? She aches because of the marriage we will never have and so do I, but for very different reasons. I guess not for very different reasons, what we both want is a husband who is 100% our own. How do I find the hope that I can actually be her 100% husband. Is that even possible for a straight man? Let alone a gay man? The reasonable person inside of me says that each of us must compromise and sacrifice and then we can find a balance and happiness, but in many ways I feel like that this sacrifice is what will burden us for the rest of our lives, it doesn't give me hope...a hope I must have in order to move forward with her.
How do I find hope in my marriage when my sexuality will not change and my desire to express my sexuality is strong? This makes me feel very selfish and makes life seem long and miserable. I certainly do not feel like I am here to find joy, at least not in my current situation. However, I do have faith in God and I know he can help. I guess my gaining hope in my marriage will rely on my continued search for hope and perhaps I will eventually find it, but in this moment it doesn't feel very attainable.