After Wednesday night's long conversation with my wife I finally felt like I had shared everything but that changed on Friday night.
Friday night after an eventful day for our family, my wife and I were sitting on the couch when she turned to me and started asking questions. I thought after our last conversation that she understood that I had not entered into our marriage to deceive her but she wanted to know why I got married and threw questions out like daggers. She was angry and I was surprised. But today I realize she needed to be angry and that it was ok. I stayed patient that night and addressed all of her questions as best I could.
Her main question was why I had gotten married in the first place. I explained that I got married to do what is right. NOT the right answer. She demanded an explanation. I began by explaining to her that I didn't understand my feelings until after we were married and that throughout my life all I had heard was that if you had those feelings you prayed, served, fasted, and got married and it would all be ok. Well that was the biggest lie of my life. A lie that I explained to her had ben perpetuated by the church so she has to realize that me getting married was not just my fault. This upset her a little but I could tell she saw my side on this. Had the church been more open and understanding than I probably would not have gotten married because I could have explored my sexuality without fear and thus not forced a marriage in order to fit in. I explained that I loved her and loved the idea of marriage everyone made it sound like this was the answer for me to find peace and happiness.
My wife broke down after this she would not speak to me just sat and sobbed. I only got a few more words out of her. She was exhausted I could tell this had been weighing on her for the last few days.
We made our way to bed and talked a bit more. She felt so broken, ugly, trapped, and deceived (her words) I told her I can't change what has happened all I can do is support her as she figures out if she wants to continue our marriage. She cried herself to sleep in my arms that night as my heart broke. I wish I could say I don't blame the church but in some ways I do.
Saturday night she shut down. she would not talk to me at all. On Wednesday I convinced her we needed to reach out to others who are going through the same thing, she agreed, but she is having a hard time bringing up her courage to open up to someone she doesn't know. I know that if she will reach out to other wives she will start to be able to process her emotions and figure out what she wants. She seems to be where I was a month ago, filled with a mix of emotions and feeling like no one could possibly understand.
Needless to say I had a single day of joy on Thursday and now here I am on Sunday feeling like our marriage is doomed and I can't do anything about it.
Well, my 4 year old is sick and my wife is staying home so I can go to church and play the piano for primary (the best calling in the church by the way). I would rather stay home but I think she needs the time at home without me. Welcome, welcome Sabbath day, not really.
Anyway my emotions are still jumbled in my head so expect another post soon since this blog helps me sort everything out.