My personal journey out of the closet has been very emotional and has made me question many things in my life. The most recent questions that I haven't been able to escape are: Am I going to stay in my marriage and perpetuate the fallacy that mixed orientation is acceptable or am I going to acknowledge that I have been misled and stand up for what I now believe? Am I going to perpetuate a cycle that leads to suffering? Am I selfish for considering ending my marriage?
They hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday and I haven't been able to shake them. These questions helped me realize what has been holding me back from fully committing to my marriage. I think I feel that by continuing my marriage I am only serving to further an agenda forced upon me by a belief system that I no longer hold. I feel that by furthering the fallacy that mixed orientation is a requirement of salvation I only aid in perpetuating the cycle of suppressing people from identifying their true selves.
If I had known all that I know now I would never have chosen to marry a woman. I would have stood tall and announced I am gay and moved on with my life. And I feel that this is perhaps how I should proceed now. I feel like there has been so much deception about the nature of being homosexual in the church (at least in my experience) that I cannot allow myself to be used to further that deception. If I could sit down with my sixteen year old self I would have a very frank conversation about my sexuality. But this only gives me another "what if" to dwell on so enough with that idea.
I thought that the idea of ending my marriage would make me feel unsettled, but instead I feel more at peace with myself. I feel I am beginning to grasp why I have struggled to forge ahead with my marriage, to really commit. I struggle because deep down I do not want it to continue because it feels like a continuation of the lies that I have been feed throughout my life about being gay.
I believe that I can find happiness as a gay man. I could choose to stay in my marriage and endure ( and probably find some joy) or I could choose to move forward with my life and find a man I can share it with. I mean a strong and committed relationship, I have never been interested in non-committal relationships. The joy I feel at the prospect of sharing my life completely with someone who understands me is overwhelming to the point of tears. These tears are tears of joy, joy at the thought of me being free to choose how I will proceed with my life. Over the last two months since coming out to my wife this is the happiest I have felt. I think the bonds that bound me to just endure are finally breaking and I feel as though I get to be the one that chooses rather than the one who merely follows the dictates of others. Perhaps I will choose to stay and improve my marriage but now it feels like it will be my choice rather than just keeping up the status quo.
I don't even know what to say about the selfish aspect of all of this. All I feel in this area is guilt. Guilt because I feel selfish even considering ending my marriage. I feel this way because my wife is fully committed to our marriage and I feel like the bad guy who is just looking out for himself. I obviously need to spend more time analyzing my guilt and if in fact I am selfish for considering divorce so no more comments on this area (perhaps more later when I figure it out a little more).
So, what now? What do I do with this realization? How do I explain this all to my wife. There are some major happenings right now in our family and I don't know if now is the time. I am not afraid to tell her but I do want to be mindful of how much she can process in such a short time after all it took me my lifetime to reach this point I can't expect her to grasp it in a few months. I feel strongly that I need to bring this up with her tonight so strongly in fact that I am pretty sure tonight is the night to at least open the door and shine some light on these questions that have been my constant companions for the last few days. Hopefully all will go well.