Tuesday, February 26, 2013

There is beauty all around....even inside me

Three years ago (almost to the day) I was fortunate enough to be accepted into one of the greatest music schools on the planet. This has meant a great deal to me as a student and as a person. As I write this post I am sitting in a rehearsal for one of the nations best orchestras and I can't help but feel gratitude to have been blessed with such an opportunity. Music has been a integral part of my life as an aspiring opera singer I of course spend most days entrenched in music for several hours. Music in many ways is work for me but right now I am an observer listening to beautiful music fill this enormous concert hall. As I listen I can't help but think how much I enjoy music as a means of personal expression. I have been able to explore music in many manners but my favorite has always been emotional exploration. There is nothing as gratifying to me as figuring out how a song is alive emotionally and working to express each songs individual story. This realization now seems ironic to me because I am only now beginning to realize how emotionally cut off I have been for a good portion of my life.

Throughout my life I have done little to nurture my own emotionality. I have worked hard to hide all traces of my inner self so that no one would discover what I thought was a hideous and disgusting part of myself. (The gay part) This cover up left me dull and sarcastic. I mourn for all the years I spent hiding my true self because I now realize that I have a very caring and warm nature that has been suppressed. I never thought that by attempting to bury a part of myself, I would become emotionally stunted and flat out mean. Since coming out to my wife my emotions have been very close to the surface. I find my self crying in movies and while reading, something I thought to "gay" to be appropriate before. The challenge with this is that I find myself getting overly emotional at times, but this is a challenge I prefer because this way I am in touch with my inner self. I never thought that I was killing myself emotionally by hiding a part of myself but the gay "part" of myself was so key to who I was/am that by burying it I have hidden away a great deal of myself.  I know I am now on a journey to rediscover who I am and in a sense experience life instead of just living through it. Life has new meaning for me, I am now an emotionally invested person who gets to have meaningful experiences and interactions with those around me. I no longer need to bury my feelings or push people away. This will probably not be easy but it is exciting.

The world offers so many beautiful and enriching opportunities, which I am ready to experience. There truly is beauty all around even inside me.

1 comment:

  1. I've been there. In trying to suppress my attraction to men and hide who I was I became as emotional as a zombie for a few years. It is very hard to have real friendships and relationships when you're constantly burying your innate feelings. I'm so glad you're feeling again.