Sunday, April 27, 2014

What's next?

So I just had a very depressing conversation with my wife and it only lasted maybe a minute. Today had been a very long day for me. Sacrament meeting was annoying as I had to sit through early 20 somethings talk about how much they know the church is true and blah, blah, blah. Then in Primary the theme for the month is "The Family is Ordained of God." The children have to repeat a quote from the proclamation. I just want to stand up and scream, " what about me and all of us LGBT people?" I am tired of feeling like a trapped rat. Then church was finally over and it was our week to do the cleaning of the building. My wife had a meeting so I wandered the building cleaning and wishing I could just run away. I got home in time to prepare a lesson for home teaching....which I love doing ;). I have to really carefully word things so that I don't feel like a liar. By the time I got home from home teaching I was done with everything. I refused to go to choir practice which frustrated my wife, but luckily our youngest fell asleep just in time for me to have an excuse.
When my wife got home it was business as usual. Watched an episode of Once Upon a Time, then Turn and she then started to get texts like crazy. I asked who is texting she said it was her sister (the one she has confided in about our situation). I didn't think anything of it but then she suddenly came into the living room and said that her sister texts her a lot because she knows everything now. I said ok, that's fine. Then she blurted out that her sister was worried that I was physically abusing her and forcing her to stay with me. I rolled my eyes and hide the tears. She laughed and said that she had finally convinced her sister that I was not abusing her and that she is in control of her situation. I shut down immediately I just wanted to sob. I am still holding back the tears as I type. Everyone is in bed and I am too upset to sleep. I mean what the hell??? So because I am gay I am now the scum of the earth and treat everyone like shit? I admit there are very intense moments between my wife and I but I have never even thought about going into a physical realm and I work hard to make sure that I avoid hurtful things in my speech when I am upset. I try to stay calm and use words to work myself through whatever I am feeling. This just makes me wonder what my wife has been telling her sister. I know she feels betrayed because of my being closeted for so long and that she feels deceived, I have acknowledged that her feelings are justified and I continually apologize. I thought that her sister was being supportive and understanding but instead it seems that she is trying to make things worse. My wife already wants a divorce, and we are trying to make that happen according to our own timeline, but it seems that her sister is trying to spur her on because she feels that my wife will give up and just stay. After my wife had shared this with me she didn't ask how I felt, she just turned to me and said  "I told you she would push for me to get out." I just shook my head. I am tired of feeling like a horrible person and my wife doesn't help because she is so flippant about everything in how she says it to me. It feels as though she thinks that our situation doesn't cause me any pain. I feel that for her I will forever be the asshole that married a woman to cure the gay and wasn't faithful enough to make it happen.
It is getting to the point that each night I go to bed exhausted emotionally most nights I feel on the verge of tears. Then each morning I wake up hoping for a good day only to end the day thinking what will happen tomorrow to make me feel worse. You see, on top of all of this personal bullshit, my career is in the toilet. Every audition is a resounding NO, because I am too young, not developed enough, lack experience, etc. I am beginning to wish I could move to Alaska and live off the land and never be around people again. But then I remember how much I love not having to kill my own food. Plus I would not have any malls and as a gay man I need a good mall in order to survive : ).
If I could have one wish I would wish to be out of this situation just so I can find happiness again. I don't consider myself a negative person (even though this post testifies otherwise), but I long for peace and happiness. I still find joy in my boys, I love and cherish every moment with them because I know there is change coming, but I feel I would be such a better father if I wasn't in a situation that constantly reminds me of all of my failures. Plus then I wouldn't always be wondering what's coming next?
To be fair to myself I feel that through my therapy and support group I have gotten a lot better at handling all of this, I mean I think the old me would have broken down and stayed in bed a long time ago but the new me keeps trucking onward (maybe this is a benefit of all of my pioneer ancestry). I do believe that eventually this will pass so for now I will just have to vent to my blog.


  1. Hang in there Drew. It must be tough where you are at right now in your life. I could be in the same situation at most any time. I found out quickly that openness has a price so I shut down. It's too bad honesty has to have such a negative result. I'm hoping that your life will settle down and you can feel better....Adon

  2. I am of course not super familiar with your situation and even less familiar with your wife, but I do know that oftentimes, people use a show of "flippancy" in order to hide other feelings, as a defense mechanism. Based on what I've read on your blog, it sounds like you and your wife have talked an awful lot about everything. She will need to deal with things in her own way too, and maybe trying to make you think she is blasé about it is a part of that process. I don't know... I definitely am baffled about the connection to being physically abusive just because you're gay. But, there again, people will vilify anyone they need to in order to justify their own feelings. There is light at the end of your tunnel, Drew. Just keep looking toward that. :)

  3. Vent away Andy--

    I know it is hard to imagine there being a light at the end of a tunnel but there will be, one way or another. I'm glad therapy is giving you a venue for help. You're in my thoughts-it-does-get-better...