I finished my last summer class last Friday and I feel no sense of release, but rather, I feel a sense of loneliness. I am so alone right now....and the problem is I am not alone. my being alone stems from my lack of emotional connection to my wife. I have come to realize how disconnected I feel from my wife now that I have created relationships with others built entirely on the true/real me and I know now that I don't have that with my wife. i have tried to open up to her about how I feel but she just gets upset because my feelings toward the church differ from hers a great deal right now. I have tried to help her see my side but she just rights it off as anti-mormon BS and avoids talking about it further. She acts as if I have no reason to consider my personal experience about being gay. I feel like she wants me to just accept the churches stance and disregard anything that I feel. I feel so rejected by her that I have completely shut down again. It feels as if we are roommates who share parenting responsibilities.
I have discovered how wonderful it is for me to be out and open about my being gay and what I feel and now that I am back home, that freedom is completely gone. I can't handle sliding back into the closet it makes the loneliness increase and makes me feel trapped and smothered. I don't know what to do. I have shut down so completely that I have even given up on fights. She gets angry with me and says what's upsetting her and my response is, "add it to the list of things, it doesn't matter what I do any way you can't stand me so just add it to the list." I don't know what to do. I just want the loneliness to go away. Last week when I was in class and around a lot of people it was manageable, but over the weekend it kept deepening until I just can't stand it anymore. I long to be back in Salt Lake with all of my new friends. But I realize that that will not happen and even if we were all there again it wouldn't be exactly the same. I just need an authentic life, one where I am accepted and respected for who I am and what I believe. I wish I knew how to help my wife understand how I am feeling now. I don't know what to do. But knowing myself I will just bury these thoughts and feelings and it will all blow over in a few days. Maybe then I can look back with some perspective and figure out how to help my wife see my side of things.
Anyway, I have a lot of studying to do for a final doctoral exam so I guess I will bury myself in my preparations for the next 7 months and hope that will distract me enough so that I can function.
