****Warning: This is the MOST random blog I have ever posted, fasten your seat belt its going to be a bumpy ride.****
For the last week I have been feeling like I need to unplug from the cyber world and engage in the real world. I have been looking at ways to minimize my computer and phone time and have decided that blogging (and mainly social media) has become a bit much. I am starting to feel that I use my time blogging and facebooking as means to escape reality so that I don't have to face life. This is no way to live! I have set the goal to go one week without facebook and I keep procrastinating swearing I will start tomorrow, well, tomorrow has arrived. I just logged in checked everything and am now hoping I can stay away from midnight Saturday 10/19 until next Saturday. I am not as concerned about my blogging since I have not been as obsessed about writing. For a while it almost got to the point that everything I did I was thinking of ways to blog about it. I don't do that at all anymore, but rather I sit down and get the urge to blog about something and so I do. In fact I can't even remember what I have blogged about over the last two weeks (for the most part). This forum has become more a means for me to empty my mind than detail my life. Speaking of...
The last two weeks have been crazy! My wife declared that she wanted me to move out....but due to financial reasons that hasn't happened. As a means to facilitate her desires I immediately began looking for full-time jobs and have been applying like crazy...nothing yet but we'll see. We unloaded a lot in our conversation when she announced that and I think it helped us clear the air a little. The dust has settled and we seem to be in a better place than we have been in a long time. In fact she turned to me today and asked if I wanted to have another baby. Don't get me wrong I love babies but I have never felt so horrible in my life, I felt like my skin was far to tight for my body and I just wanted to claw my way out. My response was that we are in no position to have a third child. She just looked at me and said why not? I didn't get upset or even repeat myself...luckily I was saved by a dirty diaper (our 5 month old decided he needed to unload). I realized as I was changing my sons diaper that my wife wants to have more children because she feels she will not be able to remarry. She has said several times she thinks she won't find anyone because we are in upstate New York and she is 27 years old. I may be gay but my wife's beauty is not lost on me. She is drop dead gorgeous!!! She has a rockin body and is beautiful. (Man, I wish I was straight...She really is the perfect woman physically and in every other aspect, a guy couldn't ask for anyone better!) I just worry what the added stress of one more child would do to us. Our marriage is very broken. But, since I started therapy I have been finding myself thinking through possibly staying married for the sake of our children.
I have been vehemently against this idea for the last few months mainly because of my parents awful marriage. But, I have been finding more inner peace and working hard to be a kinder and more patient person and I think this is beginning to help our marriage. I still lean toward divorce because I will never be able to give her the physical relationship she desires (and deserves) but there apparently there is still a part of me that wants to save our marriage. I think it has to do more with being there for my boys each day rather than a few weekends here and there. This has also been part of the reason I am pulling back a bit from blogging and FB. I wonder how I would feel if I did constantly have single gay guys involved in my life (guys I love you but I have to ponder on this a bit for now). How much of my desire is out of envy for the gay life I never had? I think I just found what I will be discussing in therapy on Monday.
I just feel like a lot of my actions and desires have been led by outside influences (church/family/friends/etc) and that I haven't thoroughly thought things out and made an honest decision for myself. Hence, the feeling I need to unplug. I'll talk it over with my therapist and see what answer presents itself now that I am looking at everything this way.
Moving on....
So the dream I talked about a few posts back has come to life a little. I have been spending a lot of time at the library on campus to study for my comprehensive exams and the guy I dreamed about now works at the library. We have chatted a few times and play eye tag quite a bit. No I am not trying to develop a relationship I just wanted to give an update that this really cute guy (who is a little too young for me any way) is becoming more involved in my life. I really like him. We used to just bump into each other after classes and in the main hall, but now we cross paths a lot more (that's why I don't think I ever thought of him in a romantic way). Oh the life of a gay man married to a hetero woman.....One time my wife joked that I should have married a lesbian and this could have been a lot better for me....awkward yes, but still a little funny.
In other news....
I have officially joined the LGBT support group on campus...I am a little nervous mainly because I am so ashamed to admit that I am gay and married to a woman. And the fact that I will probably be the oldest person in the group, but I feel good about being involved and can't wait to start meeting. We will meet on Tuesday (Depending on how well I do unplugging from the cyber community I might "reward" myself and blog about it that night, if I've been not so dedicated I might wait until next weekend. Either way eventually it will make its way one here.
Big surprise....
I was looking at a moho website (kinda like facebook) and I found a friend from my BYUI days looking to date. I always knew he's gay (I wonder if he realized I was gay) and said so to a friend one time, she told him and he unfriended me from facebook a few years ago. Come to think of it that was a little bitchy of me to do but whats done is done and turns out I was right, maybe if I ever am fully out he and I can reconnect. That makes four for four of our group of guys from the BYUI music majors that are gay. Wow!!! Nope nohomos at BYUI right. Well not anymore now that we're all gone right? I hope he is able to find happiness, I am proud that he is being true to himself and did not get married just to hide it like I did.
Well, sorry for the randomness that is this post but to be fair the title did give that away. It is late I have a bad chest cold and need to get some rest. I don't see how this post can be useful to anyone but it shouldn't matter anyway because posting it is helpful to me. Good night.
I have been where you are in wanting to unplug. I actually did to a great extent and it has been rewarding. I am not completely off the internet, but Facebook time was slashed, and social media was burned. It has been great. However, it is impractical to go completely off the grid for myself, so I get one every once in a while. It was easy for me to do this, because I took small steps to unplugging. Not on giant pull, but small steps.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the moho website (like facebook) you found?
Well my unplugging episode lasted two days but hey I gave it a try, though I don't feel as strong a compulsion to be on FB.
DeleteThe site is corinvictus.com ( kinda like FB but could be a dating site if you choose).
As I read your post I had all kinds of thoughts in response to the things you said. The first thing that struck me is that it appears that you think you and your wife are old. I would say "not". You are still physically and mentally young and have a lot of future in front of you.
ReplyDeleteIt surprised me that your wife said she wanted a divorce but later asked about having another baby. Sounds to me that she is emotionally confused and doesn't know what to do about this development in her life and marriage. I think that she loves you but also feels betrayed and unsure of herself like my wife did. Both of you will need to come to a point where you can figure out your individual feelings and what to do about them.
Don't assume you can't give her the kind of love that she deserves. You can't really make that judgment. That is up to her. We gay men who are married find ourselves thinking some confused and conflicted thoughts about what our marriage is like, what it could be if we weren't gay, and what we would experience if we jumped the fence to "greener" pastures. We would have to experience both types of relationships and then compare. Most of us couldn't go through that. You can read my thoughts on this if you go to my blog and read my page on "My Marriage" at www.forever-silent.blogspot.com. You can also read what I have been through and see if you can relate to my experiences.
I have experienced that the more I obsess on being gay, the more unsettled and confused I become in my marital relationship. The most important thing I have done for my self is to except who and what I am and try to not let that knowledge and acceptance override every other aspect of my life.
Don't give up on your marriage and family yet. Let the dust settle. It feels like hell when you are going through this but believe me its best to take it slow and make the right decision for yourself, your wife and your children.
PS...Having more children if you are going to split up will have major financial ramifications for you after a divorce.
Adon,
DeleteThanks for your insight. I guess I make us sound old but I feel like our situation makes us feel beyond our years. We are limping along as we try to figure it all out. I am very hesitant to have another child because I feel that we need a clear path chosen before we commit to bring another child into the mix. I will check out your blog post. Thanks again.