And here we have Idaho....

We have been in Idaho now for 2 weeks and we still have another 2 weeks before we go back to New York. I am going crazy here. I feel trapped in a close-minded world!!! (Though I am sure this more my own perception than reality)

I came to Idaho determined to tell my parents everything. I wanted so badly to share with them about my being gay and what I am currently feeling but my family quickly shut that down. I began to approach the subject one night but as we started talking about "the gays" there were many things said that I would classify as insensitive and bigoted. I shut down immediately and quickly changed the subject. What hurt the most was in the middle of that conversation my wife began to side with what was being said, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I am so frustrated right now! I am so sick of people being unwilling to understand different perspectives. I am not asking that everyone believe the way that I do but I would hope that would at least be able to listen and think about things before discounting anything. I guess I shouldn't be so upset because its not like I opened up and came out but the environment made me rethink my desire to tell anyone in my family. I hate how I feel right now. I feel myself slipping backward. Two weeks ago I felt so comfortable with who I am and I just wanted to share everything with everyone. One conversation with my family and I shrivel up and hide. I guess I have a lot of insecurity in regards to my family. I wish I was stronger and more self confident.

Since that conversation my wife and I have been fighting a lot more. From my perspective I feel like my wife is mad at me because of my feelings toward the church and my belief that being gay is a permanent part of who I am. Her true feelings emerged during the conversation and I can't get the look on her face out of my head when she began throwing subtle verbal daggers as I was trying to guide the conversation toward me coming out to my family.

I am so lost about my feelings right now. I feel like I just want to go back into the closet and shut my emotions down (it seems that this happens every time I have a set back emotionally). I realize that I can't do this but it is so appealing because it makes life seem so simple and easy in comparison to what I am facing right now.

Being home in Idaho makes me feel like the young and dumb guy I used to be. It is easy to want to slip into my old habits because this place triggers so many self loathing feelings and I just hate it! I am so excited to go back to New York and get back to the place where I feel like the real me. I know eventually I will need to find a way to be authentic to who I am when I am around family and in Idaho but right now it feels impossible.

Even though I am not out to anyone in my social circle in New York it still feels good to be around them because there are several gay guys in that circle and I know when I do come out it will not be a big deal. I guess the lack of emotional connection I feel here stems from my lack of friendships and honest relationships. But I guess I can endure this for a few more weeks and hopefully begin to figure out how to have more self confidence for the next time I come back to Idaho.

The Importance of Friendship

During my teenage years I would have considered myself a very outgoing and friendly person. I had many friends from multiple high schools and I was always doing things with my friends. I had four extremely close friends and I loved each of them. I had a lot of fun with them and miss those days, it still fun to catch up with them every so often but distance and life have caused us to grow apart. But the older I got the more I began to realize that I was different. I liked guys.

My first year of college was a time of transition and change for me. I began to shut myself off from those around me. I had great roommates for my freshman year and they did a lot to try and include me but I hide behind my homework and classes so that I wouldn't have to do much with them. At the time I didn't realize that I was doing this because I was attracted to one of my roommates. It was easier to avoid him and thus the group than face what I was feeling. My freshman year began the "new" non-emotional me. This pattern of social avoidance started that year and continued until I finally came out to my wife earlier this year. I had begun to hide who I was because I felt ashamed that I was attracted to guys. It wasn't until the second year of my masters, and nearly 10 years after my freshman year that everything fell into place and I realized I had done all of this because I was gay.

I didn't really form any lasting friendships while I was in undergrad and getting married made this much worse for me. I had three part-time jobs and was a full time student giving ample excuse not to venture out socially. I hide behind the piano and organ at church so I wouldn't have to interact with people until eventually I no longer sought to establish friendships or even simply talk with people anywhere I went. I came across to people as being very stern and "business" focused. I thought I was ok with this, I thought I would be able to keep up this façade for the rest of my life so that I would never have to face the fact that I am gay. Boy was I wrong!!!

Since January, when I came out to my wife, I have had no choice but to explore my emotions and assess how I have cheated myself out of truly living. Establishing quality friendships is one of the biggest areas I have cut myself short. I was/am emotionally stunted but I feel this changing each and every day. I have begun to force myself to not only respond to people when they speak to me but I seek people out to establish better relationships.

I have never been one to have a guys night out nor have I been one to go out to lunch with a group of school mates. But this week I took a big first step and went out for drinks and lunch with a couple of the TAs I teach with. I had a fantastic time we spent two and half hours talking, laughing, and having fun. I can't believe that in all of the years of my education this is the first time I have done this. This experience was the catalyst for me to realize how cut off I have been in terms of friendships. This is changing and I am excited for this part of my journey. Besides working to cultivate deeper friendships with those around me I have begun to reach out to all of my past friends and I am working to build lasting friendships with new people.

I just cannot believe how stunted I have become emotionally because of my suppression of who I am. The next step for me in my journey is to continue to cultivate the friendships I have with other gay men and expand that circle to include many more people who will be a support system for the difficult times ahead.  I now feel ready to begin coming out to some of my friends who are gay and are probably unaware of my orientation. The thought of coming out to them is exciting and encouraging, quite the opposite of how I thought I would feel.

My growing friendships have given me new hope for life. Getting in touch with my emotions has made me cherish each day and I am excited for each new day because each day is a chance for me to engage in living rather than just pretending to live. I now understand the importance of friendship and I am excited for life!

Stuck in a Cycle

It feels as though I haven't posted in forever, but I finally have some time and something to share. Things with my wife have settled into what I have deemed the "cycle of tolerance." It feels as though we each are living separate lives and we meet at night to say prayers and sleep. So basically we just tolerate life with one another and go about our own business. I go about my school stuff and work all day, she is busy with church stuff and friends and then around 8 in the evening we see each other at home hardly say a word and then go to bed only to begin again the next day.

I have to say that this  cycle makes things much easier for me, though I realize it is not very healthy. I can just go about my day without having to worry about my being gay or even acknowledging it. We both just tolerate the elephant in the room and move around it as if there isn't anything bothering us. Our home life is quite and peaceful but it is void of anything that resembles a real relationship to me. I can't say that I want that to change. Emotionally I am ready to divorce and move on, but the reality of what is happening in our lives will not allow us to do that just yet. She has admitted that she isn't in love with me anymore and I have said the same to her, but I think we are both just too afraid to move in the direction that we know we should because our lives are just too messy right now. I think that as the dust settles from all that we have been dealing with (not related to my coming out/being gay) that we will be able to truly evaluate our relationship and see how we should proceed. The cycle we are in will not last forever and I know I don't want it to.

Despite the lack of connect between my wife and I, I still feel at peace. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I wouldn't change that for anything.

In other news we get to speak in church on Sunday, I'm not sure how I will approach this talk now that my dedication to the church is waning. But I do have a testimony of Christ which luckily my topic is Christ as our Savior, so I should be able to pull this off. Part of me wants to lay my being gay on our ward, which is way too stuffy and closed minded,  but I guess that probably would not be a very wise move. I let you know if there is anything to report.

I guess for now I'll just keep treading water and maneuver through life in the cycle my wife and I have fallen into. I know I titled this stuck in a cycle but I'm choosing to stay in the cycle so I guess I'm not really stuck.

Plan of Happiness????

When I finally admitted to my wife that I was gay our initial approach to our situation was that we could "overcome" this "temptation." I remember my first meeting with our bishop. I told him that I loved my family more than some "temptation" I realize now that I was so naïve about what my being gay was going to mean for me personally.

My beliefs have changed drastically since I initially came out to my wife. I now believe that my being gay is a part of my personal plan of happiness. This is a part of who I am and it is not something that will change or go away. I do not believe that this part of myself will disappear when I die, I do not hold out for some magical transformation. I believe that God made me how I am and that he accepts every part of me, including the gay part. When the reassuring confirmation came letting me know that I was accepted by God I struggled to accept the answer I was receiving. But eventually peace settled within me and I accepted what I was being told. I just kept wondering how I could be receiving this answer? This had to be wrong. No one was supposed to be gay. I have never felt such overwhelming peace in my life and I finally realized that this part of myself was meant to be and was natural. Many point to the rest of the animal kingdom to support this notion citing the more than 1500 species that have homosexual interactions/pairings to support their claims. While I find this fact reassuring the peace I felt gave me more in terms of support than science can right now.

My personal acceptance of being gay has made me take a long hard look at where I fit within the plan of salvation ( and for that matter the church as a whole). The reality of my personal experience with being gay does not mesh with what I heard growing up within the church. This is what happens when dogma collides with personal experience. I am trying to decide how I should proceed. Do I pretend that my personal inspiration and experience do not matter and are false or do I assess what the church has said and reject that which conflicts with my reality. Recently the plan of "happiness" has weighed heavily on my mind. I have had to assess where I fit within this plan. Initially I feel like there is no place for me within the plan as I understand it. I cannot accept an eternity married to a woman. I am struggling to survive the here and now being married to a woman. I do not feel like being married to a woman would be  a source of happiness for me. Right now I do not see my marriage as a source of happiness and my wife agrees with me. We have fallen into a cycle, we have a huge fight, a solid discussion, and then a few days of relative happiness; which in my mind only seems like happiness because there is an absence of frustration and anxiety.

I truly believe that there is happiness to be found. My situation and personal feelings make me feel that it will be best found outside of my marriage. I haven't shared this with my wife yet but in an effort to continue to be honest will bring this up when the time is right. I am still assessing where I stand and deciding if this is truly what I want. In our last conversation I explained my feelings about the plan of salvation, the church, and my personal stance. She was far more understanding than I expected. I agreed not to act hastily but that I would continue with our routine while continuing to discuss my change in beliefs. Today in church the speaker made a comment about how wonderful it is to have a solid testimony of the church and my wife leaned over to me and said "don't you want that again" I looked her in the eye and said that I don't think it will ever be the same for me. She smiled and went back to listening to the speaker I on the other hand began to ponder on the things I am sharing here.

I don't know what the future holds but I am moving forward. I am feeling peace more consistently as I continue to accept myself and formulate what I believe. I am excited to learn more about myself and accept what I find. Maybe some day soon I will understand more clearly where I fit within God's plan of happiness, but for now I am happy creating a plan for my own happiness.

What do I do now?

I have been relatively silent compared to my typical blogging  behavior and feel I need to explain. Since coming out to my wife I promised myself that I would be completely honest with her about everything. I have lived up to that promise but it has made saving our marriage much more difficult in some ways. Over the last week my wife and I have been in a very difficult place, fortunately everything came to a head on Saturday night (true to form we had a long and emotionally charged discussion in the middle of the night).

This semester has been hectic and has demanded that I miss a lot of class and cancel my students lessons. A few weeks ago I decided that I would schedule lessons on Saturday April 6, I did this on purpose. I had no desire to listen to conference and was glad I had a reason to miss two of the three sessions that day. I got home from teaching and didn't want to go to the Priesthood session but out of respect for my wife I went. Since my mission I have struggled with believing in the church. I had some bad experiences on my mission that left my testimony weakened to say the least. My coming to terms with being gay pushed me over the edge and I have decided I no longer believe in the church. A few weeks ago I expressed some concern about my testimony when I was having a conversation with my wife. She said she need time to process this and that we would talk again. Well two weeks later and I am ready to walk away from the church. My reasons are personal so they will not be shared here but I did share them with my wife.

She has been very depressed all day today and says she doesn't know what to do with this information. I told her I understand why she feels this way and that I would allow her time to figure out what she wants to do.

In the course of our conversation it became clear to me that the main reason we thought we wanted to save our marriage was because of our testimonies about the plan of salvation. For me this is no longer a consideration as I do not feel that I personally fit in that plan as I am gay and feel that this is not a temporary condition but one that will continue. She said she understand why I feel this way....I think she is starting to grasp that this is not a condition that will be removed through "faithful" living, at least not from where I stand.

Sunday I slept the majority of the conference sessions but was amazed when my wife said she would understand if I didn't want to listen to conference with her. I said I would just to spend time with her and to maintain a sense of consistency for our son.

On Sunday night we continued our conversation after finding out that the parents of my wife's good friend are getting divorced. This got us discussing where we stand and how we were going to proceed. I detailed my feelings for her about how being gay meant that I would always be gay and that I did not see an end to this part of myself. I told her my fear is that I will become more bitter and angry if I try and suppress this part of myself, like I did prior to coming out to her. I admitted that I had very little hope that saving our marriage would bring us happiness because I can't see myself happy continuing on the path we are on. I asked her if she would even consider me husband material after all of my confessions, (some of which I just mentioned). She stated that no, I would not make the cut because I am a very different person now than the man she married. I agreed with her.

In the course of our conversation it came out that she doesn't trust me. I feel I must explain this. I have been involved in pornography and masturbation, which I have confessed to her and our bishop three almost four months ago after I came out to her. I have gained self control and have been honest with her about all of it. I have NEVER had another relationship with anyone since I got married. Besides my viewing pornography I have never cheated on my wife, I realize this is still horrible but I have never sought relationships with men. Sure I am attracted to a lot of guys but I have never reached out to anyone. In order to keep myself clear of temptation I have even kept myself from developing friendships with anyone other than those couples my wife chooses. My response to her lack of trust surprised her. I was discouraged and let her know that I don't see a reason for us to try to save our marriage if there is no trust. She said she would work on gaining trust in me again. I feel so frustrated. I just want this all to end. I feel like I have a gaping wound and every time it starts to heal the wound tears open even bigger. By the end of our conversation I basically had told her that I just don't see a happy way to continue our marriage and that I felt maybe we should consider other options (hinting at divorce). I couldn't bring myself to say the words I know I need to: "I want a divorce." I can't say them because I know it will deeply hurt my wife, but then I keep thinking if I feel like I have a wound that keeps growing wouldn't she be feeling the same way????

I usually try to make my posts flow and feel organized but tonight I am just to emotionally and physically exhausted to edit and refine this post (maybe later). I don't know how much more I can take of this emotional rollercoaster. I just had to get some of these thoughts off my mind so that I can focus on all of the final projects I need to do tonight.

The only question resounding in my head now is: What do I do now? Hopefully a good nights rest will bring come clarity and further insight.

Activism

My post tonight is coming from a very different place for me. For the first time I feel calm and centered. I have been thinking a great deal about the current debate centered on gay marriage. I am very much in support of gay marriage but this is not what has been humming around in my mind. I made a major realization for myself.

I have mentioned before that had my parents and the world in general been more understanding of gay people I probably would have chosen a different life path. As I have been following the political discourse surrounding gay marriage I realized that by staying married I am in fact continuing the cycle that I have felt kept me from accepting myself fully. It dawned on me that this could be the main reason I have struggled to commit to stay married. I feel that by continuing my marriage I am continuing a lie that was told to me when I was young and impressionable. I was told that marriage was the answer to everything, that if I prayed hard enough, served diligently enough, and had self-control, I would marry and life would be wonderful. I can guarantee you that this was not the case for me.

I have come to understand that for me personally I want to be an advocate for change, a force for equality and freedom. I want to stand on top of the rooftops and shout that being gay is acceptable and for me preferable. I want to be politically involved, I don't want to silently rejoice when gay rights are moved forward, I want to be part of the process. I want to reduce the pain for teens and young adults unsure of what their sexuality means for them. I want to provide help for the suffering teens in Utah forsaken by their families and abandoned by their government. I have discussed these desires with my wife and she says she understands why I feel this way but anytime she sees me watching news reports centered on gay marriage she quickly suggests I change the channel. I think, based on some things she has said, she thinks if I avoid all things gay I will be able to "overcome" my gayness and we can be a normal couple. I don't want to hide who I am any more and I don't want to be a mute observer of the changes happening within our society. So what do I do?

As I see it I have two legitimate options: 1- I stay married and become more vocal about who I am and what I stand for, convincing my wife to be more open and to help her understand that being an advocate doesn't have to mean that I embrace a different life path. 2- I end my marriage, move forward in a new life as a gay man, and pursue my dreams to be a gay rights activist/advocate. I have to be honest, I think I prefer #2 because it allows me the freedom to truly live and advocate what I believe in, I don't have to justify a hetero appearance with the homosexual within. I would get to be what I feel would be authentic.

I can't shake the passion I feel about standing up for equality. I want to be a source of goodness in this world and feel like a fake as a married gay Mormon. I still have not decided about my marriage but with these strong desires to be a gay rights advocate I don't see how I can justify/sustain a mixed orientation marriage. Anyone got any suggestions?

Inner Peace

It seems that any time I have massive amounts of homework all I can think of is writing my next post. I have been in a very introspective mood today and have had a few thoughts that I have to explore.

First, there has been a major shift in my personal sense of self over the last week. I realized today that what used to be a sense of emptiness and darkness within myself has lifted, it happened without my noticing and I realized as I was working out this morning that I have found a sense of peace and comfort that I never knew was possible. My entire life my being gay was an obstacle standing in the way of personal acceptance and peace. I cannot remember a time in my life where I didn't feel this emptiness/darkness, because of my hidden secret, but today as I sit and think about who I am I feel a strong sense of peace and acceptance. I haven't figured out everything for myself but I finally feel like I matter and I deserve peace and happiness.

A single thought has begun to simmer in my mind during this same time. If I have found peace in accepting myself as a gay man could I find happiness through living the lifestyle I am drawn to. By "lifestyle" I mean a committed gay relationship where I am married to a man and creating a life for ourselves. I used to think that my being gay just meant that I was attracted to men. But I have come to realize that it is much more than that. By analyzing my marriage with my wife we have come to realize that my being gay has affected every aspect of our interactions together. My attraction to men is deeply ingrained in all aspects of my personality. I have come to realize that for me, in every aspect of my relationship with my wife I have some sort of emotional block because of my attraction to men. I consider my wife to be a friend but don't feel she is my partner. Even she has acknowledged that our interactions as a couple seem more like friends who share a bed rather than a couple in love. We sometimes joke that we are really good roommates but an awkward couple.

I have begun to assess what is keeping me from fully committing myself to divorce since I have been analyzing what has been keeping me from committing fully to my marriage I decided I need to turn the coin over and do some analyses. If I am honest with myself I have to admit that the idea of getting a divorce and moving on with my life gives me a sense of peace in many ways. Yet there are a few things that keep me from accepting divorce as the answer. 1- I will miss he daily contact with my son as my wife would move back to Idaho and I would be in New York. I love my son completely and him being absent from my life makes me extremely sorrowful. 2- I am very concerned with how my family and friends would react to our divorcing, especially when they find out that I am gay. 3- I am afraid of being single and alone. I do not consider myself very outgoing so I am afraid that I would forever be alone which would be far worse than my current situation. These three things are what keep me from requesting a divorce. What makes me feel horrible about this list of concerns is that losing my wife isn't on the list. I would be sad if our relationship went south and we were unable to be friends, but I would not miss our marriage (at least I feel this way standing in the middle of the situation). I feel like our marriage is so much work. It doesn't feel motivated by the type of love that should sustain a marriage. I worry about what would happen to her if we divorced, though I know she would find someone and move on.

The initial thought is that of all these concerns #1 is the crucial concern because it concerns my son. The other two have to do with personal insecurity and should not be reasons for stopping yourself from pursuing a course of action. But I have said before that I will not stay in a rough marriage just for my son because my parents marriage was horrible and they stayed in it just for me and my sister. My experience dictates that this isn't something I can recommend for myself now.

Funny how you can have a sense of peace with a whirlwind of concerns swimming around in your head. I am growing accustomed to the juxtaposition of peace and concern though because it seems to be the center of my daily experience.

So what do I do? Have I considered all that I should? Maybe tomorrow I'll have some more ideas.