This post breaks from my traditional rants about my life and dives into my subconscious.Below is the retelling of a very vivid dream that I had last night and since this blog is my journal I of course had to share it....
I have not been a very heavy sleeper for many years now, in fact most nights I sleep so lightly that even a slight sound will wake me up and I only usually get around 6 hours of sleep on a good night. So I was shocked when I fell into a very deep sleep last night. For the first time in months I also had a vivid dream. I rarely remember dreaming, probably because I don't sleep very well, but last nights was fantastic in so many ways.
I was singing at a concert so I was all dressed up in a tux... Hugo Boss slim fit (like I said very vivid dream and also one of the fantastic things), I felt fantastic I had just finished singing and the audience loved it. After everything was done I came out from back stage and was standing next to a good friend. I consider this person to be a close friend but I had never thought about him romantically in anyway. Well it became apparent that he was there to see me perform and I remembered that we had been seeing each other but I thought it had been mainly just a friend thing. He looked fantastic by the way, in his tux (Ralph Lauren) and at this point in my blog I realized that I need to stop spending my free time browsing fashion websites/magazines....who am I kidding that isn't going to happen. moving on.....
So we chatted with people and then we decided it was time to go. We headed out the back when suddenly we stopped looked at each other and I blurted out "I love you" I grabbed my mouth and immediately wanted to run....so I started to leave. He grabbed my arm turned me around looked into my eyes and said "I love you too." My next statement was..."how can we love each other we haven't even held hands?" He didn't say a word he just grabbed my hand. Then instead of heading out the back exit we moved toward the main lobby in order to leave. I was super nervous because I had never had a boyfriend and I wasn't out to everyone yet. I was floating on cloud nine. I could not believe how wonderful it felt to be in love. It was amazing.
We made our way down the hallway and the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we ran into a missionary from my mission, someone I haven't thought about in years. I just wanted to run...rather than acknowledge him I turned to leave, but my friend, now boyfriend, stopped me and introduced himself. I cut in and said that he was my boyfriend. The missionary looked down at our clasped hands and nodded but looked shock. I was worried what he was going to say.
He smiled nervously like he didn't know how to respond so I started to leave, though I felt comfortable about my situation, he stopped me and said he really was happy for me. I smiled and I cannot explain how at peace I felt and how happy I was. I became extremely aware of my boyfriend's hand he was squeezing my hand I looked at him and I could instantly see how happy he was as well. We left the building and started down the stairs to get to the street.
Out of nowhere a group of guys in Knicks jerseys approached us, I could hear in the distance someone in the group say "fags" I recoiled from my boyfriend. He had heard it too. Someone on the street told us to run, my boyfriend began to leave but I froze. I couldn't move. One of the guys came up to me and asked me if we were gay. I nodded. My boyfriend grabbed me and wispered in my ear don't do this lets go. I shook my head. I verbally confirmed that we were in fact gay. The guy looked me in the eye shrugged his shoulders and turned around waving the crowd away. I stood there in shock....I didn't feel powerful but I felt in love.
This dream was amazing because I felt loved and accepted in ways that I do not right now, but it was also amazing because I faced a couple of my real life all time fears. I faced the fear of being rejected by admitting you love someone. I faced the fear of rejection from my friends by admitting who I am. I faced my biggest fear which is facing the bigotry and hate of society in general. I stood up to my fears in this dream and this was amazing, but it was not the most amazing part for me.
The most amazing part was feeling a deep bond and connection of love with someone I was attracted too. Feeling him support me through my weaknesses and seeing myself stand strong for that love when he needed me. This is what love is about, this is what I need in my life. I realize that this was in fact a dream and was fantasy, but I think I am a deep romantic at heart and I realized that I do not have that right now.
I wanted to cry when I woke up from this dream, because the dream was over, I didn't want to leave this place where I had love, acceptance, strength, commitment, and courage. Yet, I was still happy when I woke up because of how wonderful the dream had felt. Maybe someday my sweet dream can become my waking reality. We'll see.....
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Back on my feet and ready to run!!!
Well I can safely say that my personal crisis has been extinguished. It took 24 hours in bed with far too many episodes of Raising Hope but I marched my way out of the abyss that sucked me into such a dark place. I feel I must say that I am a stronger and better person having plunged to my personal rock bottom.
Since coming out to my wife in January my life has been filled with a lot of sorrow as I have searched to understand who I am. My rejection in my professional realm was similar to a 9.0 earthquake, no buildings were left standing, emotionally speaking I had my confidence completely destroyed. Throughout this whole process of coming out and even the dark days in the closet the only source of confidence I had that was real was my talent. This rejection was the final straw that had to break in order for me to truly dive inward. As I was sobbing in bed repeating to myself how worthless I am, I suddenly heard in my mind YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS....YOU ARE VALUED! I instantly stopped sobbing and no longer felt overwhelmed with sorrow or self-pity. I decided if I wanted to be a famous operatic tenor then I will just stand up on my own two feet and make it happen. I don't need the approval of one individual or organization to make that happen. I realized I had, for too long, bundled all of my sense of self worth into my abilities as a singer and this is very dangerous. I am worth more than how beautiful my voice is and I need to find value in all aspects of myself.
I got out of bed at midnight and marched to my computer and quickly typed a note to the director of the program and cordially thanked them for their consideration and all that I had learned from my past participation. I also asked if they had any recommendations as to what I could have done better to be more strongly considered to continue with them. They have yet to respond (and I highly doubt that they will) but I no longer feel weighed down by their decision. I took control the only way I can in this situation and asked for them to own their decision. I consider the matter closed and have already begun to plan my next move. I'm not sure I really want to sing professionally anymore but I know feel that I have the proper approach to be successful without being so overly invested in my career.
The next thing I realized after I had sent that email was that there is a major need for a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) support group. And people, LDS and non, need to understand how complex this type of relationship is and how much denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual. I pictured a website with a Q&A type format that will provide insight into these types of relationships. I picture support groups for those in these marriages and those that are transitioning out of them. What I realized as I thought about this was that I am not a thorough enough person to attempt this on my own. It then hit me that I am not alone, I have the whole moho blogoshpere. So I need everyones help.
I need questions.....
Send me any questions you may have about what it is like being gay and married to a woman. Anything at all. I want to use your questions to give a more detailed look inside my marriage and my situation. If you are in an MOM and would be willing to answer the questions I gather I would love that too, just let me know. I want this to be about many peoples experiences not just mine. Having multiple view points will give people more opportunity to get an authentic look at the dynamics of these types of marriages. If you were in an MOM and are no longer I would love your input as well.
This is not about picking a side in the debate on staying mormon or not it is about truth and understanding. And helping others to grasp the challenges and joys of being in an MOM.
In attending the Affirmation conference I felt that there were great strides being made in helping people understand what it means to be LGBT and mormon but I never felt that there was an attempt to understand what it means to be gay and in an MOM, which could be helpful for those who are considering entering into a MOM. I love Affirmation and support what they are doing, I just feel that this could be an additional way to save people from increase understanding.
In short I need your help. I need you to contact friends and family and get them to send me questions. I need your questions. I want people to understand better what it means to be in a MOM so that the advice I still here some giving to "just get married to the opposite gender", despite what the church says, will not be so flippantly given. My wife is a wonderful person and we are learning a lot about each other and about ourselves as individuals through this process but we both wish I would have made other choices so that we could have avoided a lot of sadness.
My biggest fear is that people will not send me questions so please help me out....no question is stupid and it will not be ignored. I will even send a personal response before I post the final document so you will get an in-depth answer to your question.
Please either comment below or feel free to email me at heldentenor82@gmail.com
* Fingers crossed and hoping that I will at least get a few questions...if not I can learn an additional opera role instead I guess. :)
Since coming out to my wife in January my life has been filled with a lot of sorrow as I have searched to understand who I am. My rejection in my professional realm was similar to a 9.0 earthquake, no buildings were left standing, emotionally speaking I had my confidence completely destroyed. Throughout this whole process of coming out and even the dark days in the closet the only source of confidence I had that was real was my talent. This rejection was the final straw that had to break in order for me to truly dive inward. As I was sobbing in bed repeating to myself how worthless I am, I suddenly heard in my mind YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS....YOU ARE VALUED! I instantly stopped sobbing and no longer felt overwhelmed with sorrow or self-pity. I decided if I wanted to be a famous operatic tenor then I will just stand up on my own two feet and make it happen. I don't need the approval of one individual or organization to make that happen. I realized I had, for too long, bundled all of my sense of self worth into my abilities as a singer and this is very dangerous. I am worth more than how beautiful my voice is and I need to find value in all aspects of myself.
I got out of bed at midnight and marched to my computer and quickly typed a note to the director of the program and cordially thanked them for their consideration and all that I had learned from my past participation. I also asked if they had any recommendations as to what I could have done better to be more strongly considered to continue with them. They have yet to respond (and I highly doubt that they will) but I no longer feel weighed down by their decision. I took control the only way I can in this situation and asked for them to own their decision. I consider the matter closed and have already begun to plan my next move. I'm not sure I really want to sing professionally anymore but I know feel that I have the proper approach to be successful without being so overly invested in my career.
The next thing I realized after I had sent that email was that there is a major need for a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) support group. And people, LDS and non, need to understand how complex this type of relationship is and how much denying your true sexual nature damages you as an individual. I pictured a website with a Q&A type format that will provide insight into these types of relationships. I picture support groups for those in these marriages and those that are transitioning out of them. What I realized as I thought about this was that I am not a thorough enough person to attempt this on my own. It then hit me that I am not alone, I have the whole moho blogoshpere. So I need everyones help.
I need questions.....
Send me any questions you may have about what it is like being gay and married to a woman. Anything at all. I want to use your questions to give a more detailed look inside my marriage and my situation. If you are in an MOM and would be willing to answer the questions I gather I would love that too, just let me know. I want this to be about many peoples experiences not just mine. Having multiple view points will give people more opportunity to get an authentic look at the dynamics of these types of marriages. If you were in an MOM and are no longer I would love your input as well.
This is not about picking a side in the debate on staying mormon or not it is about truth and understanding. And helping others to grasp the challenges and joys of being in an MOM.
In attending the Affirmation conference I felt that there were great strides being made in helping people understand what it means to be LGBT and mormon but I never felt that there was an attempt to understand what it means to be gay and in an MOM, which could be helpful for those who are considering entering into a MOM. I love Affirmation and support what they are doing, I just feel that this could be an additional way to save people from increase understanding.
In short I need your help. I need you to contact friends and family and get them to send me questions. I need your questions. I want people to understand better what it means to be in a MOM so that the advice I still here some giving to "just get married to the opposite gender", despite what the church says, will not be so flippantly given. My wife is a wonderful person and we are learning a lot about each other and about ourselves as individuals through this process but we both wish I would have made other choices so that we could have avoided a lot of sadness.
My biggest fear is that people will not send me questions so please help me out....no question is stupid and it will not be ignored. I will even send a personal response before I post the final document so you will get an in-depth answer to your question.
Please either comment below or feel free to email me at heldentenor82@gmail.com
* Fingers crossed and hoping that I will at least get a few questions...if not I can learn an additional opera role instead I guess. :)
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
What the Hell???? Why can't I just hide under a rock??
Just when I start to feel like I know where life is headed everything falls apart. I am months away from finishing my Doctorate and now I don't even know if I want to have anything to do with music. I just got a rejection from a young artist program I have already worked with. As if doubting myself as a gay man wasn't enough now I have to feel like I am worthless as a singer. Seriously when it rains it pours!!! I guess I'll have to take that as an answer to my recent self doubts.
I have been wondering if I even want to be a singer anymore (I know $150,000 in tuition and 12 years of my life and now I think I don't want to). I realized about a month ago that I used music and singing as a way to find acceptance from others. Much needed acceptance since I loathed myself as a gay person. I always hid behind my talent even though many would consider it a fairly gay talent. I even admitted to a friend that perhaps I don't want to be a singer anymore because I no longer feel the need to be accepted by others on their terms but rather on mine now that I am comfortable with being gay.
And then today I get a rejection from someone/a program that I felt was a place I belonged and could finally gain much needed experience. Well that has been shot to hell!!! I feel horrible...this only compounds all of the horrible feelings I have felt about my marriage, the church, and life in general. What do I have to learn that requires everything to be happening at once.
I guess the good thing is that this experience has made me reach out to a friend who is interested in starting a business. Since I have no musical engagements and no future plans I can begin to invest fully in this opportunity....if it doesn't get shot to hell. I texted him just after I got my rejection letter. Our plans for this business are one of the only bright spots in my life right now and I decided if he wasn't interested anymore I needed to know tonight so I can face all my rejection issues right now. So i can say everything went south but there appears to be very little left for me right now and the worst part is I don't feel like anyone I could talk to face to face would understand because I am not out to enough people yet. Why can't things get simpler why do they have to keep compounding.
Where do I go from here? My music career is stagnant....I don't really want to teach...I don't have good enough performance credentials to teach anywhere that will pay decent...I won't lie suicide crossed my mind but don't worry that won't happen because it would just leave my boys and their mom in a very bad situation as my life insurance policy isn't old enough....yep I went there the darkest place one can go but I can't because I can't afford to do it...damn finances always getting in the way of everything.
I just have to keep reminding myself how accepted I felt at the Affirmation conference and I need to figure out a way that I can keep that feeling so that I can move forward.
I will probably be contact a therapist tomorrow as the pressure of everything feels like it demands extra help. I am not ashamed of therapy and think it will do me some good but damn I thought I was handling everything really well until this very moment!!! I guess when you get a rejection from an organization that has helped you grow so much and you trust and rely on them and then they pull the rug out from under you it brings up a lot of sh*t.
Well its late and this post has been dark enough....I am going to try and force myself to write a post about the conference so I can get back to a positive place. Besides its late and I am tired...hopefully I can sleep despite my anxiety and sadness.
To be honest I don't comments about my suicidal thoughts....I know I know it gets better. Maybe if you want to comment tell me a positive change that has happened in your life that brought you a lot of happiness or alleviated some stress instead. I promise I will not kill myself but I had to be honest while posting what I feel in this moment right now. I just tend to bottle up my emotions. I think my wife will be surprised about how much this upset me when she reads this because to her face I was just shrugging it off. What the hell???? (is up with my life right now)?????? I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out!!!
I have been wondering if I even want to be a singer anymore (I know $150,000 in tuition and 12 years of my life and now I think I don't want to). I realized about a month ago that I used music and singing as a way to find acceptance from others. Much needed acceptance since I loathed myself as a gay person. I always hid behind my talent even though many would consider it a fairly gay talent. I even admitted to a friend that perhaps I don't want to be a singer anymore because I no longer feel the need to be accepted by others on their terms but rather on mine now that I am comfortable with being gay.
And then today I get a rejection from someone/a program that I felt was a place I belonged and could finally gain much needed experience. Well that has been shot to hell!!! I feel horrible...this only compounds all of the horrible feelings I have felt about my marriage, the church, and life in general. What do I have to learn that requires everything to be happening at once.
I guess the good thing is that this experience has made me reach out to a friend who is interested in starting a business. Since I have no musical engagements and no future plans I can begin to invest fully in this opportunity....if it doesn't get shot to hell. I texted him just after I got my rejection letter. Our plans for this business are one of the only bright spots in my life right now and I decided if he wasn't interested anymore I needed to know tonight so I can face all my rejection issues right now. So i can say everything went south but there appears to be very little left for me right now and the worst part is I don't feel like anyone I could talk to face to face would understand because I am not out to enough people yet. Why can't things get simpler why do they have to keep compounding.
Where do I go from here? My music career is stagnant....I don't really want to teach...I don't have good enough performance credentials to teach anywhere that will pay decent...I won't lie suicide crossed my mind but don't worry that won't happen because it would just leave my boys and their mom in a very bad situation as my life insurance policy isn't old enough....yep I went there the darkest place one can go but I can't because I can't afford to do it...damn finances always getting in the way of everything.
I just have to keep reminding myself how accepted I felt at the Affirmation conference and I need to figure out a way that I can keep that feeling so that I can move forward.
I will probably be contact a therapist tomorrow as the pressure of everything feels like it demands extra help. I am not ashamed of therapy and think it will do me some good but damn I thought I was handling everything really well until this very moment!!! I guess when you get a rejection from an organization that has helped you grow so much and you trust and rely on them and then they pull the rug out from under you it brings up a lot of sh*t.
Well its late and this post has been dark enough....I am going to try and force myself to write a post about the conference so I can get back to a positive place. Besides its late and I am tired...hopefully I can sleep despite my anxiety and sadness.
To be honest I don't comments about my suicidal thoughts....I know I know it gets better. Maybe if you want to comment tell me a positive change that has happened in your life that brought you a lot of happiness or alleviated some stress instead. I promise I will not kill myself but I had to be honest while posting what I feel in this moment right now. I just tend to bottle up my emotions. I think my wife will be surprised about how much this upset me when she reads this because to her face I was just shrugging it off. What the hell???? (is up with my life right now)?????? I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out!!!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
A Chance at Happiness
I have started this post many times but I can't get my thoughts organized. I have been depressed for a few days but the fog has lifted so I decided to give it another chance.
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend the Affirmation conference. I went back and forth on whether I should attend or not. I wasn't sure if it would be a good fit for where I am at right now. I could not have been more wrong. This conference was exactly what I needed. I learned so much about myself that I cannot even attempt to share it all with you here, mainly because the written word is not my specialty...I would rather talk about it. Any way, it was wonderful to be with so many people who accepted me for who I am and where I am at in my spiritual journey. I was fed spiritually and emotionally. There were so many wonderful people in attendance and I am grateful I was able to meet new people and form new friendships. I am compiling ideas for a post to explore what I learned through the conference but needless to say I got a lot out of it and I am so glad that I was able to go.
I came home feeling uplifted and thought I was in a very good place emotionally and then my wife and I had a two hour conversation that changed all of that. I sank into a very dark place quickly. I have avoided just flat out telling her that I want a divorce because I was afraid of hurting her. But while I was away something happened that made me just blurt out that I wanted out in the middle of our conversations.
My wife had the sister missionaries over for dinner while I was gone. She told me how the sisters had asked my son if he missed his dad (my son is 4 ) his response hurt really bad but it is the truth...."he said yes but not too much because sometimes he makes my mom cry." We have been going through a lot lately, obviously, but we thought we had been hiding it from him. The sisters didn't pay too much attention to it, but I did. Immediately after my wife said that I responded by saying I want out. I explained that our issues are obviously affecting our son more than we thought and we can't keep going the way we are. She agreed. She opened up about how hurt she is and how embarrassed. She said she can't get over the fact that I got married to her when I knew I was gay. (She doesn't understand how repressed I was and that I didn't even fully understand my sexuality back then.) She expounded a lot on this but long story short...she has a hard time not hating me because she feels I should have just chosen not to get married. I agreed. We discussed this in length, along with other specifics of how our families are going to react as well as the birth mother of our second son who is adopted. I was an emotional wreck throughout this conversation. I feel so guilty about everything. I just kept thinking a single question: Why couldn't I have been more brave and stood up for myself so that I wouldn't have caused all of this suffering?
So I guess what I need to ask myself, even though I don't want to is: Will I be brave enough now? Throughout the course of the Affirmation conference I cam to realize how much I desire to be an activist. I have often heard the phrase, "be the change you want to see." How can I stay married and pretend I am happy and committed when in fact I desire a change for those of us that are gay. I do not want to be married and I do not want other gay people to feel that they must get married. So, will I stand up and do what I feel is right....Will I stand up and work for change? I have to stand up and be brave now. I cannot just stand on the sidelines anymore and watch my life pass by.
I was so depressed after my conversation with my wife it took me two days of recovery just to be able to function. What I realized was that I wasn't depressed about my marriage ending, I was depressed because of the pain I have caused and the pain I will continue to cause if I stay married. My wife and I have moved closer to divorce. It feels that it is merely a matter of time and money before we pull the trigger and I think both of us feel it is for the best. We both are afraid of what everyone else will think and how many of them will hate me, but this will not be the reason we stay together. The chance of happiness is better than the continuation of suffering we are both feeling.
Well there it is. This is where I/we are at. We shall see what unfolds but I am beginning to feel strength developing inside and I am encouraged by what I learned at the Affirmation conference. I apologize for this post it was merely a means for me to unload so that I can further process everything. I will post again when things are a little more coherent.
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to attend the Affirmation conference. I went back and forth on whether I should attend or not. I wasn't sure if it would be a good fit for where I am at right now. I could not have been more wrong. This conference was exactly what I needed. I learned so much about myself that I cannot even attempt to share it all with you here, mainly because the written word is not my specialty...I would rather talk about it. Any way, it was wonderful to be with so many people who accepted me for who I am and where I am at in my spiritual journey. I was fed spiritually and emotionally. There were so many wonderful people in attendance and I am grateful I was able to meet new people and form new friendships. I am compiling ideas for a post to explore what I learned through the conference but needless to say I got a lot out of it and I am so glad that I was able to go.
I came home feeling uplifted and thought I was in a very good place emotionally and then my wife and I had a two hour conversation that changed all of that. I sank into a very dark place quickly. I have avoided just flat out telling her that I want a divorce because I was afraid of hurting her. But while I was away something happened that made me just blurt out that I wanted out in the middle of our conversations.
My wife had the sister missionaries over for dinner while I was gone. She told me how the sisters had asked my son if he missed his dad (my son is 4 ) his response hurt really bad but it is the truth...."he said yes but not too much because sometimes he makes my mom cry." We have been going through a lot lately, obviously, but we thought we had been hiding it from him. The sisters didn't pay too much attention to it, but I did. Immediately after my wife said that I responded by saying I want out. I explained that our issues are obviously affecting our son more than we thought and we can't keep going the way we are. She agreed. She opened up about how hurt she is and how embarrassed. She said she can't get over the fact that I got married to her when I knew I was gay. (She doesn't understand how repressed I was and that I didn't even fully understand my sexuality back then.) She expounded a lot on this but long story short...she has a hard time not hating me because she feels I should have just chosen not to get married. I agreed. We discussed this in length, along with other specifics of how our families are going to react as well as the birth mother of our second son who is adopted. I was an emotional wreck throughout this conversation. I feel so guilty about everything. I just kept thinking a single question: Why couldn't I have been more brave and stood up for myself so that I wouldn't have caused all of this suffering?
So I guess what I need to ask myself, even though I don't want to is: Will I be brave enough now? Throughout the course of the Affirmation conference I cam to realize how much I desire to be an activist. I have often heard the phrase, "be the change you want to see." How can I stay married and pretend I am happy and committed when in fact I desire a change for those of us that are gay. I do not want to be married and I do not want other gay people to feel that they must get married. So, will I stand up and do what I feel is right....Will I stand up and work for change? I have to stand up and be brave now. I cannot just stand on the sidelines anymore and watch my life pass by.
I was so depressed after my conversation with my wife it took me two days of recovery just to be able to function. What I realized was that I wasn't depressed about my marriage ending, I was depressed because of the pain I have caused and the pain I will continue to cause if I stay married. My wife and I have moved closer to divorce. It feels that it is merely a matter of time and money before we pull the trigger and I think both of us feel it is for the best. We both are afraid of what everyone else will think and how many of them will hate me, but this will not be the reason we stay together. The chance of happiness is better than the continuation of suffering we are both feeling.
Well there it is. This is where I/we are at. We shall see what unfolds but I am beginning to feel strength developing inside and I am encouraged by what I learned at the Affirmation conference. I apologize for this post it was merely a means for me to unload so that I can further process everything. I will post again when things are a little more coherent.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Turn it off!!!!!
I have really been getting into The Book of Mormon lately.
What, you ask has caused this sudden change?
Well, did you know that there is a musical by the same title...probably most of you do. I am a big fan!!! My next trip to NYC I will be seeing it! One of the songs had me rolling on the ground because it rang true to me and summed up my entire life until 8 months ago when I came out to my wife.
Enjoy!!!
There is nothing like a good musical to get you in touch with your personal reality. If your in a hurry scroll to around 3:00 and watch to the end that's when its really good.
What, you ask has caused this sudden change?
Well, did you know that there is a musical by the same title...probably most of you do. I am a big fan!!! My next trip to NYC I will be seeing it! One of the songs had me rolling on the ground because it rang true to me and summed up my entire life until 8 months ago when I came out to my wife.
Enjoy!!!
There is nothing like a good musical to get you in touch with your personal reality. If your in a hurry scroll to around 3:00 and watch to the end that's when its really good.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Loneliness
I finished my last summer class last Friday and I feel no sense of release, but rather, I feel a sense of loneliness. I am so alone right now....and the problem is I am not alone. my being alone stems from my lack of emotional connection to my wife. I have come to realize how disconnected I feel from my wife now that I have created relationships with others built entirely on the true/real me and I know now that I don't have that with my wife. i have tried to open up to her about how I feel but she just gets upset because my feelings toward the church differ from hers a great deal right now. I have tried to help her see my side but she just rights it off as anti-mormon BS and avoids talking about it further. She acts as if I have no reason to consider my personal experience about being gay. I feel like she wants me to just accept the churches stance and disregard anything that I feel. I feel so rejected by her that I have completely shut down again. It feels as if we are roommates who share parenting responsibilities.
I have discovered how wonderful it is for me to be out and open about my being gay and what I feel and now that I am back home, that freedom is completely gone. I can't handle sliding back into the closet it makes the loneliness increase and makes me feel trapped and smothered. I don't know what to do. I have shut down so completely that I have even given up on fights. She gets angry with me and says what's upsetting her and my response is, "add it to the list of things, it doesn't matter what I do any way you can't stand me so just add it to the list." I don't know what to do. I just want the loneliness to go away. Last week when I was in class and around a lot of people it was manageable, but over the weekend it kept deepening until I just can't stand it anymore. I long to be back in Salt Lake with all of my new friends. But I realize that that will not happen and even if we were all there again it wouldn't be exactly the same. I just need an authentic life, one where I am accepted and respected for who I am and what I believe. I wish I knew how to help my wife understand how I am feeling now. I don't know what to do. But knowing myself I will just bury these thoughts and feelings and it will all blow over in a few days. Maybe then I can look back with some perspective and figure out how to help my wife see my side of things.
Anyway, I have a lot of studying to do for a final doctoral exam so I guess I will bury myself in my preparations for the next 7 months and hope that will distract me enough so that I can function.
I have discovered how wonderful it is for me to be out and open about my being gay and what I feel and now that I am back home, that freedom is completely gone. I can't handle sliding back into the closet it makes the loneliness increase and makes me feel trapped and smothered. I don't know what to do. I have shut down so completely that I have even given up on fights. She gets angry with me and says what's upsetting her and my response is, "add it to the list of things, it doesn't matter what I do any way you can't stand me so just add it to the list." I don't know what to do. I just want the loneliness to go away. Last week when I was in class and around a lot of people it was manageable, but over the weekend it kept deepening until I just can't stand it anymore. I long to be back in Salt Lake with all of my new friends. But I realize that that will not happen and even if we were all there again it wouldn't be exactly the same. I just need an authentic life, one where I am accepted and respected for who I am and what I believe. I wish I knew how to help my wife understand how I am feeling now. I don't know what to do. But knowing myself I will just bury these thoughts and feelings and it will all blow over in a few days. Maybe then I can look back with some perspective and figure out how to help my wife see my side of things.
Anyway, I have a lot of studying to do for a final doctoral exam so I guess I will bury myself in my preparations for the next 7 months and hope that will distract me enough so that I can function.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Acceptance: Love the Journey
I have spent the last three weeks in Salt Lake City, Utah and I had no idea how much I was going to learn while I was there. I am admittedly not a fan of mormondom right now so the fact I spent three weeks in the heart of the kingdom and survived surprises me.
I auditioned for a special opera program back in March and I was thrilled when I got accepted. This program is an amazing opportunity as it gives rare voice types much needed training and support. I was so excited to attend until I found out it was going to held in Salt Lake City. I knew this program would be a huge opportunity for me but I never could have imaged how much it would help me learn about myself.
About a week into the program I decided I was going to tell some of the friends I had made that I am gay. Needless to say this was not a major event for them because almost all of the people I told were not surprised that I was gay they were surprised that I knew I am gay. The common answer when I told people was that they already knew they just weren't sure that I was aware of my sexual orientation. Talk about a relief. I became very comfortable with these people and we had so many quality conversations. They were intrigued by my being Mormon, gay, and married to a woman. I have never thought of myself as being a brave or adventurous person but my friends in this program kept telling me that I was so brave for coming out to my wife and being honest with those around me. I have to be honest even after they told me this I still didn't really accept the idea of me being brave, until I came out to my best friend and his wife.
I have been friends with this guy since I was twelve years old. We have always been close and I knew that I wanted to come out to him first of all of my childhood friends and even before my family. The process of coming out to people has been interesting to me. I get a definite feeling when it is time to share my secret with others. I have come out to 22 people now and each time I distinctly knew the right time. For my best friend the day came and I knew I was ready and that I would share with him. It took me an hour to work up the courage to tell him. We had spent the car ride together discussing his personal issues with the church right now and even had cycled through his thoughts on people being gay. He has always been very liberal minded and even about 9 years ago he turned to me in mid conversation and blurted out that it was ok if I was gay because he would still be my friend. I shrugged off this comment because I wasn't gay...hahaha. But this comment stuck with me even though he didn't remember making it. The time had arrived and I gathered up all my courage, after I had discussed my issues with the church with him, and told him that my issues stemmed from one thing. I had the issues I had because I am gay. He was surprised but then immediately said that it didn't matter to him at all and he was happy that I had shared the truth with him. Over the course of a few days I disclosed everything to him and his wife. She was super supportive as well and they both called me brave for coming out and sharing my struggles with them. I still didn't want to accept that I was brave but after a few days I began to feel that I have been. I may not be as brave as a solider but for my life I am brave.
Lessons learned:
Through the course of the past three weeks I have learned how much better life can be when you accept who you are and share your complete self with those around you. I had no secrets from all of my opera friends and it felt fantastic. They loved and accepted me for who I am. I didn't have any pretenses to keep up at all. I just got to be me, honest me. I have never felt so free in my entire life and I learned that freedom helps me find happiness.
I didn't think of myself as a different person but there was one guy in this program who has known me for two years and he told me that he couldn't believe how different I was. He was shocked after we talked more extensively and he began to understand where I was emotionally for the last few years. He was so supportive and has offered to be a constant contact to help me when things get rough. I learned through him how important it is to be true to yourself so that others can get to know you fully.
I learned that being gay and out is not nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be.
I never once went to church while I was in Salt Lake and I was happy. I always thought that not going to church would make me feel horrible but it was reversed. I took a group of people to temple square one Sunday and we went to Music and the Spoke word. This trip happened after I had come out to pretty much all of the program participants and nearly two weeks into my trip. Throughout the entire program I just couldn't shake how horrible I was beginning to feel. As we walked around temple square the feeling intensified. One of my friends that was with me asked if I was ok. I explained that all of this was making me feel horrible. Suicidal thoughts has begun to resurface, thoughts I haven't had since I came out to my wife six months ago. I was miserable and it was at church headquarters that I began to have these feelings again. A place supposedly filled with the spirit and I was feeling ill, both physically and emotionally. I realized that while I was on temple square I began to contemplate how I was going to go home and go back into the closet and put on the same old façade that I had been maintaining for years. These feelings helped me realize that I can no longer continue to do this, I must be fully out in order to find true self acceptance and in order to nurture my beliefs. I no longer feel that the church is the place for me because it will not allow me to believe what I do, nor will it allow me to be who I feel I need to be.
My final day at this program was fantastic. I had wonderful friends surrounding me that day who came to support me as I sang at the final concert. I was fortunate to even have a fellow moho come and my best friend and his wife. It was great to look out in the audience and see them as I sang. Later that evening I was able to go out with some of these people and I had a wonderful time. That night made me love life more fully. I cannot remember a time when I felt so accepted and loved by those around me. I realized that night that for me being gay is truly a blessing and living as a gay man will not be horrible but could be a source of great joy ( especially if I can maintain the friendships with those who were with me that night). I learned that I love being a gay man.
I am grateful for the experiences I was able to have through the course of these last three weeks. I feel like I am finally fully accepting myself and that I am no longer as concerned about what others will think about who I really am. Through all of this I realized that I am finally on the right path to self acceptance and I am loving this journey.
I auditioned for a special opera program back in March and I was thrilled when I got accepted. This program is an amazing opportunity as it gives rare voice types much needed training and support. I was so excited to attend until I found out it was going to held in Salt Lake City. I knew this program would be a huge opportunity for me but I never could have imaged how much it would help me learn about myself.
About a week into the program I decided I was going to tell some of the friends I had made that I am gay. Needless to say this was not a major event for them because almost all of the people I told were not surprised that I was gay they were surprised that I knew I am gay. The common answer when I told people was that they already knew they just weren't sure that I was aware of my sexual orientation. Talk about a relief. I became very comfortable with these people and we had so many quality conversations. They were intrigued by my being Mormon, gay, and married to a woman. I have never thought of myself as being a brave or adventurous person but my friends in this program kept telling me that I was so brave for coming out to my wife and being honest with those around me. I have to be honest even after they told me this I still didn't really accept the idea of me being brave, until I came out to my best friend and his wife.
I have been friends with this guy since I was twelve years old. We have always been close and I knew that I wanted to come out to him first of all of my childhood friends and even before my family. The process of coming out to people has been interesting to me. I get a definite feeling when it is time to share my secret with others. I have come out to 22 people now and each time I distinctly knew the right time. For my best friend the day came and I knew I was ready and that I would share with him. It took me an hour to work up the courage to tell him. We had spent the car ride together discussing his personal issues with the church right now and even had cycled through his thoughts on people being gay. He has always been very liberal minded and even about 9 years ago he turned to me in mid conversation and blurted out that it was ok if I was gay because he would still be my friend. I shrugged off this comment because I wasn't gay...hahaha. But this comment stuck with me even though he didn't remember making it. The time had arrived and I gathered up all my courage, after I had discussed my issues with the church with him, and told him that my issues stemmed from one thing. I had the issues I had because I am gay. He was surprised but then immediately said that it didn't matter to him at all and he was happy that I had shared the truth with him. Over the course of a few days I disclosed everything to him and his wife. She was super supportive as well and they both called me brave for coming out and sharing my struggles with them. I still didn't want to accept that I was brave but after a few days I began to feel that I have been. I may not be as brave as a solider but for my life I am brave.
Lessons learned:
Through the course of the past three weeks I have learned how much better life can be when you accept who you are and share your complete self with those around you. I had no secrets from all of my opera friends and it felt fantastic. They loved and accepted me for who I am. I didn't have any pretenses to keep up at all. I just got to be me, honest me. I have never felt so free in my entire life and I learned that freedom helps me find happiness.
I didn't think of myself as a different person but there was one guy in this program who has known me for two years and he told me that he couldn't believe how different I was. He was shocked after we talked more extensively and he began to understand where I was emotionally for the last few years. He was so supportive and has offered to be a constant contact to help me when things get rough. I learned through him how important it is to be true to yourself so that others can get to know you fully.
I learned that being gay and out is not nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be.
I never once went to church while I was in Salt Lake and I was happy. I always thought that not going to church would make me feel horrible but it was reversed. I took a group of people to temple square one Sunday and we went to Music and the Spoke word. This trip happened after I had come out to pretty much all of the program participants and nearly two weeks into my trip. Throughout the entire program I just couldn't shake how horrible I was beginning to feel. As we walked around temple square the feeling intensified. One of my friends that was with me asked if I was ok. I explained that all of this was making me feel horrible. Suicidal thoughts has begun to resurface, thoughts I haven't had since I came out to my wife six months ago. I was miserable and it was at church headquarters that I began to have these feelings again. A place supposedly filled with the spirit and I was feeling ill, both physically and emotionally. I realized that while I was on temple square I began to contemplate how I was going to go home and go back into the closet and put on the same old façade that I had been maintaining for years. These feelings helped me realize that I can no longer continue to do this, I must be fully out in order to find true self acceptance and in order to nurture my beliefs. I no longer feel that the church is the place for me because it will not allow me to believe what I do, nor will it allow me to be who I feel I need to be.
My final day at this program was fantastic. I had wonderful friends surrounding me that day who came to support me as I sang at the final concert. I was fortunate to even have a fellow moho come and my best friend and his wife. It was great to look out in the audience and see them as I sang. Later that evening I was able to go out with some of these people and I had a wonderful time. That night made me love life more fully. I cannot remember a time when I felt so accepted and loved by those around me. I realized that night that for me being gay is truly a blessing and living as a gay man will not be horrible but could be a source of great joy ( especially if I can maintain the friendships with those who were with me that night). I learned that I love being a gay man.
I am grateful for the experiences I was able to have through the course of these last three weeks. I feel like I am finally fully accepting myself and that I am no longer as concerned about what others will think about who I really am. Through all of this I realized that I am finally on the right path to self acceptance and I am loving this journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)